The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Sharpest Diss Of The Day: Jessica Chastain
Remember Monday? Me neither, but I checked, and that was the day I gave Russell Crowe an award for opening his mouth, shoving his foot in it, and somehow still managing to loudly share that he thinks women over 40 aren’t cast in movies because they don’t want to act their age on screen. Yesterday, Jessica Chastain, who is rapidly becoming the best person alive (not an official Newsies award… yet), responded. From People: “I think he’s getting his foot stuck in his mouth…[Ed note: Yes.] I think there are some incredible actresses in their 50s and 60s that are not getting opportunities in films. And for someone to say there are plenty of roles for women that age—they’re not going to the movies enough.” Did you hear that, Russell Crowe? Jessica Chastain says you aren’t going to the movies enough. Get your foot out of your mouth and go to the movies.
Best Film Festivals Premiering Films Involving Self-Indulgent Dudes Of The Day: SXSW and Slamdance
Deadline solemnly reports that SXSW will open with Russell Brand doc Brand: The Second Coming, while Slamdance will premiere James Franco’s latest, Yosemite. Maybe Russell Crowe should go to both? One stars a man named Russell, which should entice him. Anyway, title aside, Brand’s film could be compelling, as it tracks his rise from drug addict to movie star to, as the piece puts it, ahem, “political disruptor.” Franco’s feature, meanwhile, is based on his own short stories again, and takes place in Palo Alto again, because why not? It’s nice there and they have the sun. I wish I could take place in Palo Alto.
Best Map To The Stars That Isn’t A Tool For Celebrity Stalkers Of The Day: The Maps To The Stars Trailer
Maps To The Stars has wallowed in release-date limbo and hasn’t gotten the beeeest reviews thus far (The Hollywood Reporter said it “comes off more like a prank than a coherent take,” which actually isn’t an insult if you love a good prank, which I do!), but Julianne Moore is a goddess, and the new trailer for the movie is replete with Julianne Moore. Maps, now out Feb. 27, explores the “dark side” of Hollywood (the five-block radius around Justin Bieber’s house), and Moore plays “fading star” Havana Segrand, who’s desperate to revive her career by reprising a role originated by her late mother. Segrand, much like Bieber, is surrounded by enablers: Mia Wasikowska shows up from Jupiter, Florida and/or Jupiter the planet, begging to be Segrand’s assistant; Robert Pattinson chauffeurs her around town; and, drawing on his real-life experience as Justin Bieber’s life coach, John Cusack plays her life coach.
Fastest Moves Of The Day: Ansel Elgort
Ansel Elgort, who is not not a Grimms’ Fairytales character, has had a big and confusing year. In Divergent, which our own Genevieve Koski gave two and a half stars, he plays Shailene Woodley’s brother. In The Fault In Our Stars, which our own Tasha Robinson gave four stars, he plays Shailene Woodley’s lover. It’s okay. Let’s move on. Now, he’s slated to star in November Criminals, a thriller that sees him romancing Chloë Grace Moretz, who has never played his sister but whose first name is very annoying to type. Ara Keshishian, president of Lotus Entertainment, breathlessly described the film as “a beautiful love story between two teenagers set against the backdrop of a murder mystery.” By the way, the person who’s murdered is their friend. Everybody’s favorite aphrodisiac.
Most Talented Time Traveler Of The Day: Matt Bomer
Matt Bomer has signed on for Monty Clift, an upcoming HBO biopic of the actor, known for films like From Here To Eternity and A Place In The Sun. Bomer, who’s been lauded for his work in HBO’s The Normal Heart, for coming out publicly in an industry that basically discourages it, and for having great hair, will play Clift. This is particularly appropriate casting because Clift and Bomer look exactly the same. What if Bomer is Clift? What if, Parent Trap-style, they’ve swapped places (through time-travel, obviously) to fix all of our love lives? I have to go.