The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
HMMMMM Of the Day: Maika Monroe cast as older Mae Whitman in Independence Day 2
It Follows’ Maika Monroe has somehow managed to leave her house, evade all manner of murderous zombie demons, and land another movie role. She’s been cast as the female lead in Independence Day 2, playing Liam Hemsworth’s love interest and President Bill Pullman’s daughter—a role previously held by a young and staggeringly adorable Mae Whitman. Some people (I won’t name names, but Scott’s been crying all day) are upset that Monroe is taking over Whitman’s role, especially considering the fact that Whitman’s grown up to be a wonderful actress in her own right and the fact that Monroe will be stalked by a vengeful monster for the rest of her life until it finds her and has sex with her to death. I’m personally a fan of both actresses, but I do think it’s a little bit shitty to give Monroe a part that Whitman could play just as well. In response, Whitman has been subtweeting the shit out of this casting news by retweeting her defenders—like Anna Kendrick—and blowing up the White House.
Delightful French Ensemble Comedy Of The Day: Xavier Dolan’s It’s Only The End Of The World
Xavier Dolan, the man behind a little film we like to call Mommy, because that’s what it’s called, has lined up his next project, a French-language film called It’s Only The End Of The World. The film will star every French person you have ever personally known or heard of, including Marion Cotillard, Lea Seydoux, Vincent Cassel, Nathalie Baye, and Gaspard Ulliel, and probably my eighth-grade French pen pal Nathalia (bonjour, girl). Based on the play of the same name by Jean-Luc Lagarce, the film will center on a writer who “goes back to his hometown, planning on announcing his upcoming death to his family [I don’t understand this part but okay]. As resentment soon rewrites the course of the afternoon, all attempts of empathy are sabotaged by people’s incapacity to listen and love.” People sound kind of mean in France.
Best Pile Of Money Of The Day: The one the bore the Six Billion Dollar Man
Wild Tales’ Damian Szifron will write the screenplay for Six Billion Dollar Man, an upcoming movie that sees Mark Wahlberg playing a man who emerges, fully formed, from a pile of 6 billion dollar bills. Wahlberg, Steven Levinson, and Bob Weinstein will produce the film, based on the classic TV series of the same name, which follows “military office Steve Austin [not the Stone Cold one, probs] who becomes part of a top-secret government program after a horrific accident leaves him near death…Steve is brought back to life with extraordinary strengths, making him the world’s first truly bionic man.” So fun that the world’s second truly bionic man, Mark Wahlberg, gets to play him.
Maybe Made Up But Maybe Great Thing Of The Day: A female-led 21 Jump Street spinoff
Sony is allegedly working on a “female-led spinoff” of 21 Jump Street, written by Broad City’s Lucia Aniello and Paul Downs. That’s literally all the info we have on this. Anyway, let’s talk about you. How have you been?
Florida Man Of The Day: Ansel Elgort in Dukes Of Oxy
Michael De Luca is in talks to produce Dukes Of Oxy, based on an article in Rolling Stone “about a pair of teen high-school wrestlers from Florida who built a multimillion-dollar business smuggling OxyContin and other painkillers.” Ansel Elgort and Emily Gerson Saines are in talks to star, which would probably be exciting for those OxyContin dealers if they weren’t on so much OxyContin. In a strange “coincidence,” this Rolling Stone piece was written by Guy Lawson, who also wrote the article that became the basis for the upcoming Arms And The Dudes, another movie about two teenage bros who hail from Florida and deal stuff (weapons). It’s just like I always say when I’m high on OxyContin: Florida is the land of hopes and dreams.
Potential Troll Of The Day: Ben Affleck, who showed up on the set of Suicide Squad
The media gave Ben Affleck a lot of shit last week for being bold enough to descend from ancestors who owned slaves. After unsuccessfully trying to quash the story, Affleck gave up and took to Twitter to answer questions about those dickish ancestors, then called up Matt Damon and just sat on the phone with him, breathing. But then the media was like, wait, Ben Affleck’s ancestors didn’t have slaves, sorry. Today, photos popped up of Affleck on the Toronto set of Suicide Squad, suggesting that he’s going to make a cameo in the film or he’s just fucking with the media right back. Hard to say.