The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Thirstiest (And Hungriest!) Studio Of The Day: Lionsgate
There’s only one more Hunger Games movie left, and this scares Lionsgate very, very much. I’m scared, too. I hate change and I hate the the thought that I only have roughly three hours left to try and understand Peeta. In a frantic attempt to strengthen its viselike grip on Jennifer Lawrence’s intricate fishtail braid, Lionsgate announced that The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2 will be released in IMAX-3-D; Hunger Games: The Exhibition will launch in July in New York City (there are also potential plans for a theme park, which seems…wrong); and that it’s considering ways to extend the franchise through sequels or prequels. This seems like a shameless bid for cash, but I’m okay with it, because it means I have more time to study Peeta’s strange and unnatural hair color. I volunteer (as tribute) to write the sequel, which will see Peeta letting himself go and returning to his brunette roots in old age.
Tiniest News Item Of The Day: Brad Pitt and an “untitled romantic thriller”
Brad Pitt will star in an “untitled romantic thriller” from Paramount, director Robert Zemeckis, and writer Steve Knight. That is legitimately all of the info that we, the people of the United States, have on this project. What else do you guys want to talk about? Do you prefer Brad in his Thelma & Louise jeans or Brad in his Legends Of The Fall hat? If you could have dinner with one Pitt, living or dead, would you pick Brad, his mom Jane, or William S. Pitts, the American physician and composer?
Totally Unconfirmed Thing Of The Day That May Kill People: Ryan Gosling as the Beast
Speaking of Ryan Gosling and his indirect contributions to feminism, there are whispers in the air that the Lost River director will play the Beast to Emma Watson’s Belle in the forthcoming live-action Beauty And The Beast. The Twitterverse’s reactions to this totally unconfirmed news ranged from “I will die with happiness” to “my ovaries might explode.” In other words, Ryan Gosling’s Beast casting may be responsible for the deaths of millions. To get really personal for a second, I also kind of feel like I might die today because I’ve had “Uptown Funk” in my head for at least two weeks.
“Female Twist” Of The Day: Neighbors 2
Zac Efron, Rose Byrne, and Seth Rogen have all signed on for Neighbors 2, the follow-up to last summer’s hit comedy Neighbors. Good news, everyone: This time around, it will have a “female twist”—namely, after a sorority moves next door to Rogen and Byrne, they “enlist their former nemeses from the fraternity to help battle the raucous sisters.” Why do I feel like this is a minefield for misogynistic comedy? Who wants jello shots?
Oops! Of The Day: Accidentally killing your husband during a violent fight
Lena Dunham—a divisive figure in that she is a woman who has the nerve to voice her opinions out loud in a public forum —will star with Diane Kruger, Norman Reeds, and Gilles Lellouche in Sky, a “thriller-cum-road-movie that unfolds across the U.S.” Kruger will play Romy, a woman who takes an innocent little trip to Cali with her husband (Lellouche) and “accidentally kills him during a violent fight.” Now that’s what I call a “female twist”! She “flees the scene and embarks on a life-changing solo trip across California and Nevada,” joins a sorority, moves next door to Seth Rogen, and ruins his life.
Most Brutally Honest Fake Therapist Of The Day: Eddie Izzard
Eddie Izzard has signed on to star in Carrie Pilby along with Hailee Steinfeld. The movie, based on the coming-of-age novel by Caren Lissner, stars Steinfeld as a 19-year-old genius who graduates from Harvard and has no idea what to do next. That does sound very stressful, Hailee. It reminds me of the time Diane Kruger accidentally murdered her husband and then had to figure out what to do next. Might I suggest a fun road trip? Izzard will play her therapist, who will roundly mock her for her #firstworldproblems in a very British way, hopefully.
Celeb Biopic of the Day: Oppenheimer Strategies
Michael Sheen, Steve Buscemi, and Josh Charles have joined the cast of Oppenheimer Strategies. The movie stars Richard Gere as a man whose “life dramatically changes after the young politician he befriended during a dark period in his life becomes an influential world leader.” Gere confirms that the movie is an allegory for Destiny’s Child’s rise to fame and subsequent downfall, focusing primarily on the current relationship between Michelle Williams and Beyonce.