The theme of today’s Trailer Park: Films That Could Not Have Less In Common, And One Thing That Is Not Actually A Film But Rather An Eight-Part Series Based On A Film. Let’s get started:

Grab your gurnals, y’all—it’s time to return to Camp Firewood. David Wain and Michael Showalter have rounded up everyone we loved from their bizarre, sweater-fondling 2001 cult comedy Wet Hot American Summer (Amy Poehler, Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Michael Ian Black, Bradley Cooper, Marguerite Moreau, Molly Shannon, ad infinitum) for an eight-part Netflix prequel to the film. Though in reality, all of these actors have aged 14 years (or more; Ken Marino ages two years at a time), the prequel sees them playing their characters on the first day of camp in 1981, because time is a construct and aging is insignificant in Hollywood. Chris Pine, Kristen Wiig, and Jon Hamm have joined the cast this time around because they’re poor and unattractive and starving for work. Also, four campers are stuck in the ropes course; I meant to tell you about that yesterday. Could you get to it now?

The trail of the tape
Title: Wet Hot American Summer: First Day Of Camp
Director: David Wain
Screenwriter: David Wain, Michael Showalter
Cast: Janeane Garofalo, Jason Schwartmzan, Paul Rudd, Marguerite Moreau, Christopher Meloni, Ken Marino, Joe Lo Truglio, Amy Poehler, Bradley Cooper, Molly Shannon, Michael Ian Black, Michael Showalter, Elizabeth Banks, David Hyde Pierce, Judah Friedlander, John Slattery, Jordan Peele, Lake Bell, Jon Hamm, Chris Pine, Kristen Wiig, I have to stop at some point 
Release date: July 31, 2015 on Netflix
The entire trailer in one line of dialogue: “Camp Firewood is more than just a summer camp. Camp Firewood is an idea.”
The entire trailer in one screengrab: 

Many of us know Rupert Friend as an assassin on Homeland, other know him as a real-life assassin (these people are mistaken), others still know him because he’s named Rupert Friend and that’s adorable. This summer, though, Rupert Friend is Agent 47, an elite, genetically engineered assassin with a barcode tattooed on his neck and a bone to pick with… whomever. Agent 47 originated in a videogame and was the center of a very bad 2007 movie called Hitman starring Timothy Olyphant. Aleksander Bach, best known for directing commercials for Mercedes Benz and Chevrolet and Nivea and other essential male products, is making his feature-film debut with this adaptation, which includes a cast member named Angelababy. I’m not feeling incredibly optimistic about this one. This new trailer is also very long so please hydrate.

The trail of the tape
Title: Hitman: Agent 47
Director: Aleksander Bach
Screenwriter: Michael Finch, Skip Woods
Cast: Rupert Friend, Zachary Quinto,Hannah Ware, Thomas Kretschmann
Release date: August 21, 2015
The entire trailer in one line of dialogue: “You, my [Ed note: Rupert?] friend, are a riddle to me.”
The entire trailer in one screengrab: 

Many of us aren’t exactly mentally ready to look at Kit Harington right now because Jon Snow, but here we are. This is our job. Harington and Andy Samberg are starring in 7 Days In Hell, a Christopher Guest-esque HBO mockumentary about the (completely made-up) longest tennis game in human history. Harrington is Charles Poole, an Englishman who doesn’t understand the word “strategy” (you and me both, Charles); Samberg is Aaron Williams, a “reverse Blind Side” kid who’s taken in by a black family and who “does not play country-club tennis because he’s from the streets.” Serena Williams is Serena Williams. John McEnroe is John McEnroe. Can Kit Harington be funny, even though the last time we saw him he was [redacted]? TBD.

The trail of the tape
Title: 7 Days In Hell
Director: Jake Szymanski
Screenwriter: Murray Miller
Cast: Kit Harington, Andy Samberg, Mary Steenburgen, Michael Sheen, June Squibb, Lena Dunham, Karen Gillan, Will Forte, Howie Mandel, Fred Armisen, Serena Williams, David Copperfield, I have to stop at some point
Release date: July 11, 2015 on HBO
The entire trailer in one line of dialogue: “Second serve now, after killing a man.”
The entire trailer in one screengrab: 

Back in March, when the first trailer debuted, we gave you an in-depth look at the real-life, extremely idiotic crime behind the forthcoming Masterminds. Essentially, back in the ’90s, David Ghantt, a disenfranchised Loomis Fargo employee, teamed up with some pals to rob his own bank. The foursome managed to get away with $17 million, but both Ghantt’s pals eventually turned on him, hiring a hitman to find him in Mexico; soon enough, the cops got wind of the assassination plot and just arrested the hell out of everybody. It’s not totally clear how faithful Napoleon Dynamite director Jared Hess and his team of writers were to the real story—did Ghantt really shoot himself in the butt? Hard to say. Did his work crush, Kelly Campbell, really stuff his underwear full of cash?  Actually, I think that did happen.

The trail of the tape
Title: Masterminds
Director: Jared Hess
Screenwriter: Chris Bowman, Jody Hill, Danny McBride, Hubbel Palmer, Emily Spivey
Cast: Kristen Wiig, Owen Wilson, Jason Sudeikis, Zach Galifianakis
Release date: August 7, 2015
The entire trailer in one line of dialogue: “So. Who y’all want me to kill?
The entire trailer in one screengrab: