The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.

X-Men Thing Of The Day: Josh Boone will direct The New Mutants
The Fault In Our Stars director Josh Boone has signed on to write and direct the X-Men spinoff The New Mutants, which is a standalone film that will exist within the X-Men universe and also the real universe, hopefully, when we all watch it. The film will “introduce a new crop of mutant characters born with special powers,” because you can never have too many mutants and you can never have too many crops. I’m down with this as long as none of the new mutants make out in Anne Frank’s house, Boone.

Bleak Russian Thing Of The Day: The Seagull, starring Saoirse Ronan and Annette Bening
Saoirse Ronan and Annette Bening are set to star in a filmic adaptation of Anton Chekhov’s The Seagull, a dark Russian play based on the short, tragic life of Scuttle from The Little Mermaid. The film will be directed by Michael Mayer, who won a Tony for Spring Awakening, and was adapted for the screen by Stephen Karam (Sons Of The Prophet). Corey Stoll and newcomer Billy Howle are also on board for The Seagull, which is a “slice of life drama” set in the Russian countryside (where everybody is a mermaid). 

Wherefore Art Thou Nicole Kidman Of The Day: In How To Talk To Girls At Parties
Nicole Kidman is in talks to reteam with Rabbit Hole director John Cameron Mitchell on How To Talk To Girls At Parties, a sci-fi romance described, for real, as “Romeo And Juliet with punks and aliens (replacing the Capulets and Montagues).” Eh, what’s in a name/origin planet? Elle Fanning will play the lead, an “extraterrestrial visitor to Earth who meets two teenage boys in the most dangerous spot on the planet: the London borough of Croydon in the 1970s.” It’s not clear what role Kidman might take in the film (she feels more “alien” than “punk” to me, but I’m not a doctor), but apparently she “responded very quickly and enthusiastically to the script with John sent it to her” as it “appeals to teens and adults.” Spontaneous suicidal romance is for everyone!

Non-Russian Bleak Thing Of The Day: Collateral Beauty
Me And Earl And The Dying Girl’s Alfonso Gomez-Rejon has lined up his next movie already. Okay, Alfonso. I see you. It’s called Collateral Beauty, and it’ll star Hugh Jackman and Rooney Mara. The screenplay, from Allan Loeb, “is set in a New York ad agency and focuses on a man whose life is flipped upside down after experiencing an incredible tragedy that sends him down a path of deep depression.” Wait, is the incredible tragedy the end of Mad Men? That’s been hard on all of us, bro. No need to spiral. 

Too Real Of The Day: The plot of To Hell And Back, starring Mila Kunis and co.
Mila Kunis, Danny McBride, T.J. Miller, Bob Odenkirk, Susan Sarandon, Jennifer Coolidge, and Rob Riggle are all starring in a stop-motion animated comedy called To Hell And Back, for sale at Cannes. Tom Gianas (SNL) and Ross Shuman (Robot Chicken) directed the movie, which tells the story of “two best friends who must rescue their friend after he’s accidentally dragged to hell.” This is, funnily enough (except not funny at all), the exact thing that happened to Scuttle. Except he never came back. May God rest your soul, dear Scuttle.

More Animated Stuff Of The Day: Ratchet & Clank, starring Paul Giamatti and co.
Paul Giamatti, John Goodman, Bella Thorne, Sylvester Stallone, and Rosario Dawson will lend their pipes to Ratchet & Clank, a CG-animated film based on a PlayStation videogame based on the sounds Scuttle made as he was being dragged to hell by a group of pitchfork-wielding humans who couldn’t understand how he was able to speak English. The film “follows the two unlikely heroes (a foolhardy ‘lombax’ and a pint-sized robot) as they struggle to stop a vile alien named Chairman Drek from destroying every planet in the Solana Galaxy.” Some of the original voice talent from the game franchise will reprise their roles, including James Arnold Taylor and David Kaye as the titular characters; Sylvester Stallone will play Scuttle’s strangled cries for help.