The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
IS THIS REAL LIFE? Of The Day: Natalie Portman will play Ruth Bader Ginsburg
I was already sitting down when I read this news item, but I had to stand up, sit down again, stand up again, do 25 jumping jacks while crying, and then sit back down in order to properly process and report it. Natalie Portman is set to play Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg in On The Basis Of Sex. That’s right: The Notorious Natalie P. will portray the Notorious RBG. The film will “follow the travails of Ginsburg as she faced numerous obstacles to her fight for equal rights throughout her career.” HOLD PLEASE while I do 56 more jumping jacks, this time to Beyonce. I’m not even going to make jokes about this. That would be very disrespectful.
Perfect People Playing Imperfect People For Funsies Of The Day: Angelina Jolie Pitt and Brad Pitt in By The Sea, now being released during awards season
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt (yeah, that’s a thing now) recently filmed a movie called By The Sea, in which they played a dueling married couple, just to be dicks. Like, okay Brad and Angie, we get it, your lives and marriage are so pristine that it’s fun for you to get together and play anti-house. Today it was announced that Universal will release the film, directed by Jolie Pitt, on Nov. 13, smack in the heart of awards season. Sounds like somebody wants an Oscar (Zahara). The movie follows “an American writer named Roland (Pitt) and his wife, Vanessa (Jolie Pitt), who arrive in a tranquil and picturesque seaside resort in 1970s France, their marriage in apparent crisis. As they spend time with fellow travelers, including young newlyweds Lea (Melanie Lauren fuck yes) and Francois (Melvil Poupaud), and village locals, the couple begin to come to terms with unresolved issues in their own lives.” Kind of like how writing about this movie is forcing me to confront my unresolved issues with the Jolie Pitts.
Baby Driver’s Baby Mama Of The Day: Lily James
Cinderella’s Lily James is set to join Ansel Elgort in Edgar Wright’s Baby Driver, about a man who drives a van full of babies to Anne Geddes’ house every day in exchange for eternal life. Elgort will play a “skilled getaway driver who is coerced into working for a crime boss on a doomed heist that threatens his life and freedom and well as his love interest,” played by James. Right, so we don’t have a name or any motivations for James’ character other than “love Ansel Elgort soooo much,” so let’s move on.
Breaking Away From Breaking Bad Of The Day: Aaron Paul will star in The Parts You Lose
Aaron Paul, best known for being Breaking Bad’s most lovable drug dealer, will star in The Parts You Lose, directed by Dutch filmmaker Paula van der Oest. Fun fact: I am in love with Aaron Paul. Funner fact: Aaron Paul is in love with Uber. The film centers on Wesley, an “8-year-old hearing-impaired boy who encounters an injured and potentially dangerous fugitive in his small North Dakota town. The two form an unlikely friendship and Wesley finds an unexpected refuge from the troubles of his home and school life.” Unlikely friendships and unexpected refuge! Yeah, bitch!
Rosamund Pike Thing Of The Day: Rosamund Pike may star in David Oyelowo’s A United Kingdom
Fan of the U.S. Postal Service Rosamund Pike is in talks to board David Oyelowo’s “passion project” A United Kingdom, about an exotic, magical kingdom on the other side of the world where people called fries “chips” while being racist. The movie “tells the true story of Prince Seretse Khama of Botswana, who caused an international stir when he married Ruth Williams, a white woman from London, in the 1940.” Speaking of Ruths, remember how Natalie Portman is playing Ruth Bader Ginsburg? Wow. This movie sounds good, too, though.
Mark Wahlberg’s Baby Mama Of The Day: Kate Hudson in Deepwater Horizon
Kate Hudson has been cast as, sigh, Mark Wahlberg’s wife in Peter Berg’s Deepwater Horizon, the sequel to Deadpool that takes place at the bottom of the pool, where all of the dead people like to hang out and watch the sun rise. Hudson will play Felicia Williams, married to Wahlberg’s Mike Williams, a Deepwater Horizon oil rig engineer who was working on the rig in the Gulf of Mexico when everything went to shit back in 2010. Kurt Russell is in the film, too, which marks the first time he and Hudson have starred in a movie together, and the first sign of the apocalypse foretold by the Mayans.