The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Saddest Comedy Trailer Of The Day: Spy
Today, Fox released a trailer for Spy, starring Melissa McCarthy as Susan Cooper, a “CIA analyst who’s going into the field for the very first time.” It is predictably rife with weight- and appearance-related gags—like McCarthy accidentally eating a hand towel, falling over the hood of a car, and being called a “lunch lady”—which is really depressing. Spy might be funny? I can’t tell because I’m just sad. Hold on while I eat this hand towel.
Deadpool Thing Of The Day: Brianna Hildebrand cast as Negasonic Teenage Warhead
Brianna Hildebrand has been cast in Deadpool, the Marvel movie about the feeling you get when you’re about to make a deadpan joke and then somebody waterboards you out of nowhere. The newcomer will play Negasonic Teenage Warhead, a “telepath with precognitive abilities” who so far has the best name I’ve ever read in my entire life. Hildebrand, known (as of right now) for her dry wit, is already undergoing physical and stunt training for the part, as to escape from aforementioned marauding waterboarders.
Cross-Brand Marketing Coup Of The Day: Rachel Weisz in the untitled Donald Crowhurst biopic
Rachel Weisz—whose visage, as I recently discovered on my Southeast Asia trip, graces several Vietnamese hair products—is in talks to star opposite Colin Firth in an untitled Donald Crowhurst biopic. The film, from director James Marsh, is based on the true story of amateur sailor Crowhurst and his attempt to win the first round of the World Yacht Race in 1968. Deadline doesn’t say who she’ll play, but I’m guessing she will play either a love interest or, in a savvy bit of product placement, a Vietnamese hair-dye salesperson. You know what they say: Cover your roots at night, sailor’s delight; show your roots at sea and you’ll be tossed overboard because you’re old.
Second Leatheriest Face Of The Day: Stephen Dorff (no offense, Stephen)
Last month, we reported on speculation that Sam Strike of EastEnders and of general hotness was going to play Leatherface in the forthcoming Texas Chainsaw Massacre prequel. He still may be involved, but Stephen Dorff is confirmed to star as Hartman, a lawman who chases down a “violent teen who will one day become Leatherface” who “escapes from a mental hospital with three other inmates, kidnaps a young nurse, and takes her on a road trip from hell.” More like to hell!! Because she is going to die, guys.
Biblical Lesson Of The Day: Discovering Who Apostle Paul Is (Hugh Jackman)
Speaking of hell and who is and is not going there, Warner Bros. is working on a new faith-based movie titled Apostle Paul, with Hugh Jackman in the lead as the “Jewish man of God (also known as Saul of Tarsus) who crossed over to speak to the Romans and preach the word.” Jackman is also slated to produce, along with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. As a very lackadaisical Jew who failed Hebrew school (no, really), I don’t know a ton about Apostle Paul, but I am learning a lot from Deadline, which seems safe. As they tell it, Jesus blinded Paul with great, white light (? rude), but a man named Ananias prayed and restored his eyesight. So then Paul decided to become an important messenger of Jesus (?? he blinded him like one sentence ago) and went on to write 14 books of the New Testament. At least it sounds like he put his restored eyesight to use. Anyway, seems we’re getting a lot of faith-based movies soon, so it’s nice when we can brush up on our bible studies together.
What Happened To Johnny Depp’s Hand? Of The Day: I don’t know, please tell me
Speaking of legends, earlier this month, Johnny Depp was felled in a tragic hand-injuring incident while filming Pirates 5 and had to be swooped back to the U.S. to get a pin inserted into his finger (because they don’t have finger-pins in Australia; they are very difficult to procure, especially if one’s hand is injured). As a result, production has shut down for several weeks, and is expected to resume April 15. Seriously, I really want to know what happened to Johnny Depp’s hand. Do you know what happened to Johnny Depp’s hand? Nobody is saying what happened, just that it happened “off set,” which means he was probably punched in the hand by Jesus.