The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Sadness Of The Day: Jennifer Lawrence and X-Men will part ways post-Apocalypse/Bradley Cooper’s general demeanor
Jennifer Lawrence told MTV News that X-Men: Apocalypse, which will premiere next year, will be her last X-Men movie. “It is my last one, actually,” is what she said, verbatim, during an interview that saw Bradley Cooper silently looming next to her like a specter of doom. (Sup, Bradley? You good, bro?) In other words, there’ll be no Mystique spinoff, but there will still be a solo Deadpool film, in theaters soon, about that particular feeling in the pit of your stomach that you get as a kid when you open your locker and it’s filled with roiling seawater. In a related interview (these crazy kids are shilling Serena so hard), Variety helpfully reports that Jennifer Lawrence thought VOD was a disease and Bradley Cooper tried to fix Serena in the editing room. Maybe that’s why he’s so sad?
Fight Club For Babies Of the Day: Lullaby
Fight Club author Chuck Palaniuk will turn another novel, Lullaby, into a movie, marking his fifth big-screen adaptation and his first Newsie. Congrats, Chuck! You scare me a little bit. Lullaby is a heartwarming account of a mother’s attempts to help her tiny infant sleep with the soothing sound of her own voice just kidding it’s about an African death chant that kills babies. Andy Mingo will direct from a script he’ll likely co-write with Palahniuk, and Josh Leake will produce the film, which will probably be a hit with the under-2 crowd, who love to confront their own mortality in a safe space.
Leviathan Of The Day: The Leviathan
Last week, Charles Bramesco introduced us all to The Leviathan, not to be confused with Leviathan or the other Leviathan. Or the other Leviathan. Nay, this Leviathan, introduced in a ridiculously high-quality proof-of-concept video last week, is about space whales who moan gutturally and eat ships. Today brings news that X-Men’s Simon Kinberg, who is currently outside of Jennifer Lawrence’s door, weeping, asking her to voice the lead space whale, has boarded the project as producer, and will help it reach its feature-film destiny. Neill Blomkamp, whose name remains my favorite to type and think about, will join as executive producer.
Unnecessary Sequel Update Of The Day: Mallrats 2
Remember how Kevin Smith is doing Mallrats 2? My computer doesn’t, because it keeps autocorrecting that to “Mallards 2,” which honestly sounds like it might be a more interesting project, but I digress. (Can somebody write Mallards 2? I’m thinking it’s 300-meets-Romeo And Juliet-meets-Howard The Duck.) Film School Rejects reports that Smith’s been sharing photos of the project on his social-media accounts, likely confirming who’ll be back for the sequel; so far, he’s posted pics of Jason Mewes, Michael Rooker, Stan Lee, and Shannen Doherty. What of Ben Affleck or Jason Lee or you know, the other ones? Real talk, there’s no way they’re doing Mallrats 2, guys.
Most Annoying Place To Hide Treasure: Under a lake in war-torn Serbia in The Lake
J.K. Simmons, plus Charley Bewley from Twilight and Diarmaid Murtagh from Sons Of Liberty, have joined the cast of The Lake, an action-thriller from Luc Besson’s EuropaCorp. Written by Richard Wenk and Besson, the story “focuses on a group of Navy SEALS who attempt to solve an age-old mystery involving a treasure underneath a lake in war-torn Serbia.” Sounds just like the plot of Mallards 2, but whatever. Simmons is playing the Rear Admiral and “leathery boss” (?) to the SEALS. Directed by Into The Storm’s Steven Quale, it’s supposed to be one of the most expensive projects for EuropaCorp to date, partly because it will require underwater filming, and partly because of all of the leather.
Marvel News Of The Day: Avengers: Infinity War finds directors and Spider-man’s secret, shady audition
The Russo brothers, who almost definitely filled your locker with seawater, will be directing Avengers: Infinity War. Previously, they have directed Captain America: The Winter Soldier—which is a true story about how I bravely wore full-overall snow pants for the majority of my childhood against my will—and high-fived a lot while playing catch, because they are brothers. Also, there are rumors that Marvel held a secret audition in somebody’s home for a 16-year-old for the Spider-man movie; if true, this means that the movie will either follow a high-school-age Peter Parker, or some unsuspecting actor is about to have his organs harvested.