The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Most Ridiculous Six Of The Day: The Ridiculous Six
Netflix needs Adam Sandler in order to produce other, better movies, and Adam Sandler needs Netflix in order to keep his yacht teeming with endangered Sumatran tigers. Meanwhile, the rest of us, forced to follow the ever-fluctuating details of Sandler’s endless onslaught of movies, need only mercy. Today, Sandler moved his ensemble comedy The Ridiculous Six—which he previously moved from Sony to Paramount—to Netflix, his benevolent and omniscient benefactor that will almost certainly one day desert him. In related news, Sandler added Lost alum Jorge Garcia to the movie’s cast; he’ll play one of Sandler’s character’s millions of half-brothers (others include Taylor Lautner, Rob Schneider, Luke Wilson, Terry Crews, and everybody who has a desk at Netflix). As a quick refresher, The Ridiculous Six follows Sandler as he ranks all of his movies in order of ridiculousness, but stops at No. 6 when he gets tired.
Seminal Literary Adaptation Of The Day, Complete With Seminal Music: Norman Mailer’s Armies Of The Night
Norman Mailer’s The Armies Of The Night has been optioned for the big screen by RadicalMedia. Joe Berlinger will direct the movie, based on Mailer’s award-winning book about the 1967 March On The Pentagon. According to TheWrap, the film will be “fully scripted and cast with actors, but will be shot documentary-style and interspersed with actual footage from the events,” just like The Ridiculous Six. Should you feel immediate concern that Mailer’s epic will be scored by a theme song called “We Marchin (To The Pentagon, The Official Illuminati Headquarters)” by Ariana Grande featuring Big Sean, producers “promise that the seminal rock and folk music from the era will play a significant role in the film.”
Michelle Williams and Kelly R. Of The Day: Michelle Williams and Kelly Reichardt
Michelle Williams is reteaming with Kelly Reichardt (Night Moves) for an “untitled indie drama.” It’s the fourth time the two have collaborated: They’ve previously worked on Meek’s Cutoff, Wendy And Lucy—for which Williams won best actress at the Toronto Film Festival—and were both original members of Destiny’s Child. Reichardt will write and direct; presumably, Williams will act, though this is not specified and it is also possible she will just stand near the set and offer words of encouragement. Plot details are totally unknown at this time, so all we can do is follow Michelle Williams around Brooklyn for the next few months until she inevitably “drops” the script at a coffeehouse and winks.
More Than A Bit Of A Dick Of The Day: “Ridge” in Deadpool
Somebody, probably one of the Michelle Williams’, “accidentally” released a casting call for Deadpool, a Marvel movie about a billiards hall that spontaneously bursts into flames. The studio’s looking to fill several roles that, currently, have fake names and hilariously bad descriptors. Take “Ridge,” who’s “big, muscular, dangerous, violent, vain, insecure and more than a bit of a dick…but with a sense of humor [i.e., a Benedict-Cumberbatch type].” Or “Lindsay,” a woman who’s “any ethnicity, 20s, attractive and worldly [can one be both?]. Smart, tough, beautiful, but a little bit broken [now this is making more sense; a Meryl-Streep type].” They’re apparently also looking for a new Colossus—Daniel Cudmore just confirmed he won’t be back, as flammable billiards tables run in his family and it would just be too hard.
Most Unforeseeable Partnership Of The Day: Josh Hutcherson and Ron Howard
Josh Hutcherson is famous for playing Peeta in the Hunger Games movies and for going to music festivals with Vanessa Hudgens. In an effort to escape being typecast as a person who trails after his would-be girlfriends as they run around in fields and ignore him, he’s joining Ron Howard—a man who hasn’t been photographed at Coachella—for the director’s “Project Imagination: The Trailer” contest, which invites amateur filmmakers to create trailers from footage of their everyday lives. Both of the men will choose the winner, and then Hutcherson will star in and produce a movie-length version.
Most Southerly and Westerly Festival Roster Of The Day: South By Southwest roster
South By Southwest has announced its full roster, presumably on purpose and not via Michelle Williams. Highlights include producer Christina Vachon (Boys Don’t Cry, Far From Heaven) as the fourth Film Keynote speaker; the world premiere of French comedy Moonwalkers; and a conversation with Ryan Gosling, Sally Field, Amy Schumer, Jeff Nichols and Michael Shannon, and Henry Rollins about how they’ve all signed on to play Adam Sandler’s half-brothers in The Ridiculous Six.