The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Best Word Of The Day: “Untot"
Hayden Christensen has “set his sights” on Untot, an action-horror film set during World War II. Though in English, “to untot” means to turn a toddler upside down so all of its quarters fall out of its pockets, in German, “untot” means “undead.” Who knew? The movie will revolve around an “elite military unit commanded by Lt. Fredrick Hank (Christensen)” that “encounters something they’ve never been trained for”—namely, a toddler with absolutely no loose change.
The Three Best Friends That Any Whistleblower Could Have Of The Day: Melissa Leo, Zachary Quinto, and Tom Wilkinson
Melissa Leo, Zachary Quinto, and Tom Wilkinson have all joined the cast of Oliver Stone’s upcoming Edward Snowden movie. They’ll play documentary filmmaker Laura Poitras, lawyer/journalist Glenn Greenwald, and The Guardian’s defense and intelligence correspondent Ewen MacAskill, respectively. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is already set to play NSA whistleblower Snowden, while Shailene Woodley will play his longtime squeeze, Lindsay Mills. Oh, and Scott Eastwood’s here, too. The film doesn’t have a title yet—Oliver, might I be so presumptuous as to suggest Snowed-in? I’m thinking let’s make it a nice, cheerful comedy about a group of crazy old friends who’ve gathered on the ski slopes of Russia to reminisce about terrible, secret government policies. K, you just let me know.
Interchangeable Actors Of The Day: Peter Dinklage and Oprah Winfrey
Peter Dinklage, best known for being wildly sexy and murderous (qualities that are not mutually exclusive) on Game Of Thrones, has joined Melissa McCarthy in the Universal comedy Michelle Darnell. The movie centers on a “titan of industry who’s sent to prison after she’s caught for insider trading [and untotting].” Dinklage will be playing the antagonist; in a fascinating, what-the-fuck aside, Variety notes that “Universal has gone back and forth on whether the role should be a male or female, caring more about a landing a star who can chew up every scene he or she is in. The studio had also considered Sandra Bullock, Jon Hamm and even Oprah Winfrey for the role.” Oprah Winfrey and Peter Dinklage have a storied history of competing for the same roles: In her self-titled autobiography, Oprah recounts how she almost snagged Dinklage’s role on Game Of Thrones before Dinklage proved he was better at chewing up scenes; in his own autobiography, also entitled Oprah, Dinklage reveals he almost played Oprah on Oprah before a staggering final audition by Oprah.
Worst Way To Deal With Stress Of The Day: Blowing up your husband’s mine
Amanda Seyfried and Theo James have signed on to star in Black Lung, a supernatural thriller from producer Cary Fukunaga. The movie will follow a “young wife whose premonition about a pending disaster saves her husband, but puts her under suspicion when an explosion entombs a group of miners.” Oh, and, “worse, her visions point to a sinister force at work inside the mountain.” I think the message here is clear: Getting married young will make you do crazy shit, like blow up your husband’s mine, then blame it on ghosts.
Best Way To Deal With Stress Of The Day: Turning two news items into one news item
It’s Wednesday, and there are 4,000 feet of snow outside, and everybody is just trying to get by without blowing up their husband’s mine or robbing every toddler in sight. I am drinking a casque (yes, a helmet) filled with absinthe at my desk; Deadline decided to put two pieces of casting news in one item. I respect and admire that kind of coping mechanism. Here are the two things: Since yesterday, Tina Fey’s wartime comedy has been named Fun House, and Nicolas Braun has joined the cast as Fey’s cameraman. Jena Malone has signed on to play the lead in Things You Missed While You Were Gone.
Everything’s Changing So Fast Of The Day: Maggie’s Plan and its “new spin” on rom-coms
Ethan Hawke, Bill Hader, Maya Rudolph, and Travis Fimmel will star alongside Julianne Moore and Greta Gerwig in Maggie’s Plan. Based on a story by Karen Rinaldi, the film is a “screwball take on the fluctuations of modern love that puts a new spin on the romantic comedy.” I cannot take any more new spins on anything, Hollywood. Stop spinning. Just stand still for a second and let me drink from my casque in peace.