The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Who's Playing Rick Flag Of The Day: Karl Urban
You may recall last Friday’s Newsies, when I promised that today, we’d finally resume talking about Who Might Play Rick Flag in Suicide Squad, starring a never-ending stream of human males. And here we are. Today brings whispers that Karl Urban may be in the running to play Rick Flag; he might not, and might take a role in Aquaman instead. Who’s to say? Probably Karl. Karl’s to say. Does Karl even know what’s going on? Or is his name just a pawn in David Ayer’s sick, sick bid to get Jake Gyllenhaal out of his pudding bath and into this movie? Rick Flag’s dad, also named Rick Flag, might be played by Ed Harris and/or Max Martini. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if they both played Rick Flag, Sr., and it was never explained or referenced, à la That Obscure Object Of Desire? Or am I just so tired of wondering who will play Rick Flag that I am laughing at nothing to cover up my profound pain?
Different Casting News Of The Day: Michael Huisman, 2:22 and The Forest
In other casting news (thank you, sweet and merciful universe), Game Of Thrones and Orphan Black star Michael Huisman has landed the lead role opposite Teresa Palmer (remember her from 30 minutes ago?) in the psychological thriller 2:22. The film follows a man whose “life is permanently derailed when an ominous pattern of events repeats itself in exactly the same manner every day.” Could the ominous pattern of events that repeats itself in exactly the same manner every day… be a shift in casting for Suicide Squad, perhaps? No, I mustn’t even plant this seed. Moving on, Huisman has also been cast in The Forest, set in Japan’s Aokigahara forests, where many people have gone to end their lives. In other words, suicide. There is literally no escaping Suicide Squad, you guys. I give up.
Update On The Forthcoming Adam Sandler-ssaince That None Of Us Can Stop Of The Day: Ridiculous 6 casting lineup
Adam Sandler has cast everyone he’s ever met in his whole life in Ridiculous 6, a movie that promises to “put a comedic spin on ensemble westerns.” We’ll see about that whole “comedic spin” thing, but we can definitely confirm the “ensemble” part. The movie is the first he’ll produce under his new, life un-affirming Netflix deal—yes, the very same deal Netflix’s Ted Sarandos candidly and hilariously admitted was only agreed upon so Netflix could make a lot of money to spend on other, less Sandler-y things, like projects from the Duplass brothers. In Ridiculous 6, Sandler will star alongside Taylor Lautner, Nick Nolte, Blake Shelton, and Whitney Cummings, as well as Sandler stalwarts Steve Buscemi, Rob Schneider, Dan Aykroyd, Will Forte, Nick Swardson, Terry Crews, Jon Lovitz, and Vanilla Ice. Luke Wilson, Steve Zahn, Danny Trejo, Chris Parnell, and Lavell Crawford are also set to star. That is a gigantic list of mostly dudes—mostly white dudes—all ready to fall right on their swords for Sandler. Also, is this title related at all to Tarantino’s Hateful Eight? Is it possible that Sandler is set to spoof Tarantino’s spoof? Is this the world we’ve wrought for ourselves?
More Actors’ Names Of The Day: Jackson Rathbone, Sung Kang, and Michelle Chen
If you thought you were done reading casting news, you thought wrong, my friend. There are many movies to be made, and many actors to make them (basically, everybody I just listed in the above item). Jackson Rathbone (Twilight), Sung Kang (Fast & Furious), and Michelle Chen (You Are The Apple Of My Eye) have just been cast in Pali Road, a thriller that’s currently filming in Honolulu. Keeping in line with the lighthearted fodder that’s populated today’s Newsies, the film tells the story of a young woman who gets into a terrible car accident the night her boyfriend proposes to her. Should we all just lie down for a while?
Not Acting Chill At All Of The Day: Scientology
Going against type, the Church of Scientology is not acting chill at all. Its PR people have created a Twitter account to systematically discredit Alex Gibney’s forthcoming doc, Going Clear: Scientology And The Prison Of Belief. As every human and every Shakespeare knows, protesting something too much immediately boosts your credibility. The account, called Freedom Media Ethics (catchy, guys!), has published three tweets so far. They all link to a website with a statement from the Church that reads, in part, “The Church has documented evidence that those featured in Gibney’s film regurgitating their stale, discredited allegations are admitted perjurers, admitted liars and professional anti-Scientologists whose living depends on the filing of false claims.” Admitted perjurers, you say? Well, that changes everything. I’m really glad Scientology has cleared this up and we can all move on with our lives, knowing how awesome Scientology is.