The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Pudding-Tub Dweller Of The Day: Jake Gyllenhaal
Oh, to be young and Jake Gyllenhaal, the world at your shriveled fingertips. You may recall a few Newsies ago, when after, Tom Hardy decided not to play Rick Flag in Suicide Squad, director David Ayer went over to Gyllenhaal’s house, sat in his pudding-tub, and begged him to take over the role. Today, Jake was like, “Naw, but thanks.” He actually didn’t even say thanks, I made that part up. What he really said was, “Ayer, no, but try some of this pudding.” The movie is set to premiere in August of 2016, and David Ayer is set to have a fucking panic attack in 14 seconds. Jake, on the other hand, is just soaking up his pudding, solidifying release dates for his forthcoming pic, Southpaw (July 31, if you’re wondering), in which he plays a left-handed polar bear growing up in Antebellum Atlanta.
New Internet Company Thing Of The Day: Vimeo’s VOD storefront
Hey, Overstock.com. Yeah, you, over there, with your plans for world domination. Vimeo sees your “skinny Netflix” and raises you one VOD storefront. The “Internet video company” has officially opened up its VOD catalog of 16,000 titles to let third-party web publishers (at this point, CBS Interactive, The Atlantic, and TEN) sell or rent them directly on their sites. In other words, users will be able to purchase movies like crazy, all over the damn Internet. In yo face, Patrick Byrne! Okay, this one-upping is getting tiring, Internet companies. Let’s all calm down, have a snack, talk tomorrow?
Public Service Of The Day: The trimmed-down Hobbit trilogy
Some kind soul in Philadelphia has re-cut The Hobbit trilogy into a single, three-hour movie. I haven’t watched it yet, and I probably never will, because time is money and money is happiness and happiness is immortality. But I can assure you it’s better (at least for our health?) than Peter Jackson’s zillion-hour version. It’s also probably better than the book, which I picked up as a nerdy, bookworm-y fourth-grader, and which, mid-way through, made me cry because I was so confused and unstimulated by a “classic” that I felt existentially conflicted. (I recognize that I was 9 and that may have contributed to this reaction.) The only other time I cried out of boredom was at a Cubs game. (Again, was also 9 here.) See my point, guys? I don’t really know what it is, either, except that sometimes, less is more, being 9 is hard, and baseball is terrible.
What Is Reality? Of The Day: Megan Ellison tackles virtual reality
In other news about virtual things that are slowly but surely overtaking the physical world and rendering it obsolete, Megan Ellison and her production company, Annapurna Pictures, are expanding into the (virtual) world of virtual reality. Ellison, whose company is behind the likes of Her and American Hustle, announced today that she’s partnering with VRSE.farm and artist Chris Milk to develop and produce virtual-reality content. That’s all we know so far. Oh, also, your entire life is a piece of virtual-reality content developed by Megan Ellison. Sorry to tell you this way.
Internet-Free Zone Of The Day: Zac Efron and Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates
Ah, a much-needed, non-Internet-related palate cleanser, a piece of news that relates only to the physical realm. Zac Efron, who, despite my better judgment, I am drawn to like a moth to a very physically fit flame, is set to star in Fox’s upcoming comedy Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates. It’s written by two dudes, and centers on two other dudes, both of whom post an online ad requesting dates for an imminent wedding—only to have the ad go viral. Wait, no! This has so much Internet in it! Nothing is sacred and nobody is safe.
Poor, Insensitive Choices Of The Day: Michael Bay, Paramount, and Dean Israelite
Our first Newsie to go to three entities at once! Michael Bay, who always makes good decisions and good movies, is the target of some controversy today. In a trailer for his studio’s forthcoming Project Almanac, characters watch footage of a plane crash, footage that families of two victims of a 1994 Air Force crash believe is pulled straight from their real-life tragedy. Paramount assured the families that it’s actually footage from a 2009 crash in Tokyo. Oh, that’s better, Paramount. Bay then threw some very public, very passive-aggressive shade at Project Almanac’s director, Dean Israelite, who, to be fair, totally fucked this one up: “I let film directors make their movies at Platinum Dunes [Bay’s production company] and give them tremendous responsibilities. Well, unfortunately a very bad choice was made to use a real crash instead of creating a VFX [visual effects] shot, without realizing the impact it could have on the families.” Paramount is removing the footage, but don’t worry, the movie won’t be affected. Just the families who had to watch that footage. I am shaking my Internet head at all three of you punks. Aren’t you all supposed to be really good at fake blowing stuff up? Seriously, that’s like… all you guys have in your arsenal. I can’t believe I’m typing this, but please fake blow stuff up more.