The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Scariest Real Person Of The Day: Tom Hardy
Tom Hardy has dropped out of Suicide Squad, according to The Hollywood Reporter. I’ll let everyone take a minute to process this information. Please don’t do anything rash. Hardy was slated to play Rick Flagg, leader of villains-turned-heroes Will Smith, Margot Robbie, Jared Leto, Jai Courtney, and Cara Delevingne. (Leader of their characters, I mean. But probably also their real-life leader, because Tom Hardy is scary.) According to “sources” (more like sorcerers, am I right?! How do they know everything unless they’re magic?), Hardy dropped out due to scheduling—he’s currently shooting The Revenant, a frontier drama directed by Alejandro González Iñárritu and starring Leonardo DiCaprio that’s taking way too long to shoot. “Scheduling conflicts” are the “admitted to the ER because of exhaustion” of movie roles. We all know the truth, Hardy! You’re scary! You scared Will Smith.
Most Violent Emotional Shift Of The Day: Jake Gyllenhaal
Jake Gyllenhaal, who is almost certainly crying himself to sleep in a bath of warm pudding right now because of his dearth of Oscar nominations, has reason to smile and return all of the pudding he just bought. Apparently, milliseconds after Hardy dropped out, David Ayer began “courting” Gyllenhaal to replace Hardy in Suicide Squad. Take some time to mourn, David! This isn’t healthy! This scintillating info comes from “multiple individuals [sorcerers] familiar” with the project. My sorcerers tell me that Ayer just showed up at Gyllenhaal’s house carrying a beheaded Oscar trophy, a baseball bat (to play baseball with after they talked business), and a sandwich (he was hungry), and joined him in the bath of warm pudding. (It’s a big tub; Jake is very wealthy.)
Best Response To Anything Ever Of The Day: Phil Lord’s Lego Oscar
Meanwhile, across town.... Phil Lord, who was also snubbed by the Academy for the irreverent and delightful The Lego Movie, responded in the most Lego-Movie-esque way possible: by making his own Oscar (or at least tweeting a picture of one). Out of Lego bricks. We can all learn something from Phil Lord, guys. If you don’t get something you want—a job, a spouse, a hefty life-insurance policy—just make it out of Lego bricks. Don’t have Lego bricks? Make your own Lego bricks!
Hmmmmmmmm Of The Day: Eddie Murphy
Eddie Murphy, star of Norbit, Holy Man, Beverly Hills Cop (the TV movie), The Adventures Of Pluto Nash, Daddy Day Care, Imagine That, and Dr. Dolittle 2, said this today in Rolling Stone when asked if he was filming a new Beverly Hills Cop movie: “Nah, they still trying to get that script right. I'm not doing a Beverly Hills Cop unless they have a really incredible script. I’ve read a couple things that look like they can make some paper. But I’m not doing a shitty movie just to make some paper. The shit got to be right.” Okay.
Most Shamelessly Beautiful Bid For Cash Of The Day: Ian Ziering and Tara Reid
I haven’t seen any of the Sharknados, because they hit too close to home for me—I lost my first tooth during the sharknado of ’89. But, apparently Ian Ziering and Tara Reid survived the first two Sharknados and are back for round three. Honestly, this is refreshing. We have Eddie Murphy up in Rolling Stone talking about his standards, and then we have Ian and Tara, who are just like, “Fuck it, I want to make some cash so I can have nice things.” And that they likely will: Sharknado 2: The Second One was Syfy’s most-watched original movie ever, bringing in 3.9 million viewers. Ian and Tara, God bless you and may your bravery carry you through even the sharkiest of 'nados.
Most Solemn Newsie Of The Day: Lion
Sharknado, can you go just…go over there for a second while Mom and Dad talk privately? Great, thanks. On the exact opposite end of the spectrum, we have Nicole Kidman and Dev Patel, who will star in Lion, an adaptation of Saroo Brierly’s novel that recounts how he was separated from his family in India as a young child and rescued by an Australian family. Top Of The Lake co-director Garth Davis will direct, which means the movie will likely be a gritty and disturbing march straight into the darkest corners of your own mind.
More Pudding Of The Day: Chris Pratt’s Hasty Pudding Award
First of all, I swear I wrote Jake Gyllenhaal’s warm pudding paragraph before this Newsie was even born. But here we go, more pudding: Chris Pratt has been named Harvard Hasty Pudding Theatricals’ Man Of The Year, a week or so after Newsie recipient Amy Poehler was named its Woman Of The Year. Hasty Pudding President Jason Hellerstein says the fact that they’re both on Parks And Recreation is just a coincidence and not at all an example of favoritism and corruption. I don’t trust Jason Hellerstein because I don’t know him at all. Jason, if you really want to talk conspiracy theories and corrupt voting practices, please contact me or the Academy Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. (ZING!!!!)