The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
You Don’t Even Know What It Was Like, Brad! Of The Day: Brad Pitt
Lots of big news in the Newsies today. Let’s start with what’s arguably the biggest: Previous Newsie winner Angelina Jolie’s main piece Brad Pitt has rounded up a bunch of attractive, famous males and placed them in another adaptation of a Michael Lewis book, this time called The Big Short. Christian Bale and Ryan Gosling are set to star, and Adam McKay will write and direct the movie, which is not about squat lawn gnomes. Rather, it takes a look at the housing and credit bubbles that incited the financial crisis of 2007-forever. Pitt, who was forced to move in with his parents during the financial crisis and is only now finding work again, is producing through Plan B.
I Don’t Know Why, But I Love Selena Gomez Of The Day: Selena Gomez Cast In Revised Fundamentals Of Caregiving
I don’t know why, but I love Selena Gomez. Almost all of her movies have been terrible (I say “almost all” because I haven’t seen most of them and I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt because I love her), she dates Justin Bieber, who is a stain on the human race, and she tries to sing and just… doesn’t do it very well. But I love her, you guys! She’s now starring alongside Paul Rudd (who, remember, is not only Ant-Man) in The Revised Fundamentals Of Caregiving, playing Dot, “a sassy 17-year-old who hitches a ride with the pair during a road trip, and whose forwardness and lack of embarrassment about Trevor’s condition causes him to develop a crush on her.” She’s being sassy! I love her.
It’s Time To Accept This Of The Day: G.I. Joe 3
G.I. Joe 3 is happening. I beg of you, make peace with this now, before it’s too late and you are swept away by a sea of rippling muscles. Paramount is now in “early discussions” with D.J. Caruso (Disturbia, I Am Number Four, Eagle Eye) to direct the movie, which is “now built around Dwayne Johnson.” Just like all of my dreams.
National Hero Of The Day: Idris Elba
Idris Elba, who I will not deign to objectify here in the Newsies even though I want to, is turning Marc Olden’s historical thriller Poe Is Dead into a trilogy. The 1978 book centers on patriot Edgar Allan Poe, who famously fought “demonic forces and his personal demons” in 1840s New York City. We all know how this turns out, because we commemorate Poe’s bravery each year on Edgar Allan Poe Fights Demonic Forces And His Personal Demons Day. But let’s still see it; it’s only right.
Best Reason To Buy More Heineken Of The Day: Anthony Hopkins in Kidnapping Mr. Heineken
Indie distributor Alchemy has acquired yet another true story, Kidnapping Mr. Heineken, starring noted Selena Gomez fanboy Anthony Hopkins. Hopkins plays Alfred Heineken, the beer magnate who was kidnapped in 1983 and released for 35 million Dutch guilders. Say it with me now: That’s a lot of guilders! Alchemy will release the film March 6 in theaters and on VOD, so you can stay at home and sip Heineken while you watch it and feel like a clever girl, Clarice. Too much happening in that sentence; let’s move on.
Best And Saddest Commercial Of The Day And Maybe Ever: This One With Leonardo DiCaprio and Robert De Niro
When Martin Scorsese, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Robert De Niro aren’t busy being very, very famous best friends, they film international commercials for fun. I’m kidding, of course; they do it for $13 million each. To promote a casino in the Philippines. Watch and laugh and then cry as De Niro and DiCaprio play themselves (but with more beard), vying for the same role in Scorsese’s film. Apparently, there’ll be a “full short film” to follow. To promote a casino in the… I can’t write about this anymore.
Best Thing Of The Day That Requires No Exposition: This Picture of Dustin Hoffman
He’s hiding behind a mailbox!