The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Most Conflicting Emotions Of The Day: Elle Fanning cast in The Neon Demon
The preternaturally talented 16-year-old Elle Fanning, whom I imagine to be a totally lovely human being, has signed on as the lead in The Neon Demon, the next project from Drive and Pusher director Nicolas Winding Refn. The Wrap describes Neon Demon—which begins shooting in March—as a “female-driven horror film,” which is exciting, because a female-driven anything is exciting, and any horror film that doesn’t indiscriminately kill off its women is exciting. What’s less exciting is this quote from Refn about the inspiration for the movie: “One morning I woke and realized I was both surrounded and dominated by women. Strangely, a sudden urge was planted in me to make a horror film about vicious beauty.” Yeah, that sounds like a veritable minefield for misogyny. Let’s hope Fanning, who's talked about the importance of portraying “iconic women,” nips that shit in the bud.
Most Sighs Of Relief After Previous News Piece Of The Day: Amy Poehler is Woman Of The Year
In possibly the most important awards news of this generation (besides the award I just gave), Harvard University’s Hasty Pudding Theatricals has named Poehler its 2015 Woman Of The Year. It’s about time, Harvard. (Must remember Harvard is known for being slow on the uptake.) The award bodes well for its recipients: Last year’s winners Helen Mirren and Neil Patrick Harris went on to become both immortal and best friends. Also, “the man of the year will be announced later” is the most (unintentionally?) hilarious way the AP could possibly conclude this piece. (Must remember AP is known for throwing well-timed shade.)
Most Insecure Person, Place, Or Thing Of The Day: The Academy
After tricking 45 million people into watching its Oscars broadcast last year, the Academy is panicking about its 2015 numbers. Subsequently, according to a report prepared by Haworth Marketing + Media and obtained by The Hollywood Reporter, the organization is pouring $5.5 million into off-network media buys to help drive interest in and “overcome potential threats” to this year’s broadcast. And while host Neil Patrick Harris is immortal and Helen Mirren’s BFF, his 12.6 million Twitter followers “pale” next to 2014 host Ellen DeGeneres’ 37.2 million, so Haworth is helpfully suggesting the Academy up its social-media buy by a mere 82 percent. In other words, the Academy really wants us to turn on our TVs and ignore each other for four-to-five hours Feb. 22, and it will stop at nothing—including murder—to make sure it doesn’t lose us. This all smacks of desperation, Academy, but chill, we’ll be there.
Egads, It’s Josh Gad Again! Of The Day: Josh Gad
Though the Newsies have only existed for three (3) days, the esteemed committee behind them has already given Josh Gad two awards. This marks a milestone for the nascent Newsies, and for the somewhat-older Gad. Congrats to Gad, who we’re recognizing for his Reddit AMA, in which he revealed that “uh, you know…the script is actually done” for Triplets, a sequel to 1988’s Twins. He went on to explain that only vocal public support will get the film off the ground: “I would say if there’s an outpouring of affection, that may move the needle, but I think it’s on hold right now. But everybody read the script and loved it, so I hope it sees the light of day at some point.” Let’s all yell it together: “I do believe in Triplets! I do! I do!"
Best Reason to Put Ant-Man Aside For The Day Of The Day: Paul Rudd and The Revised Fundamentals Of Caregiving
It’s hard to remember a time before Paul Rudd was Ant-Man, but try to dissociate the two for a minute. Rudd, the real person, has been cast in The Revised Fundamentals Of Caregiving, based on the 2012 novel by Jonathan Evison and written by Letterman producer Rob Burnett. According to a review in the New York Times, the book follows Ben Benjamin, a man who’s lost almost everything and who strikes up a friendship with a teen in the advanced stages of muscular dystrophy. Not unlike NPH and Helen Mirren once did, the two bond on a madcap road trip. Production on the indie film starts later this month in Atlanta. Okay, now he can be Ant-Man again.