On Monday we had the honor of introducing you to Bound, the Asylum's “answer” to the upcoming romantic monolith Fifty Shades Of Grey starring Charisma Carpenter as a heavy-breathing single mother who falls for younger BDSM-loving paramour “Ryan Black,” a not so subtle nod to Fifty Shades Of Grey bad boy Christian Grey. Now it’s time for the faithful to enter the fray with Old Fashioned, an explicitly Christian answer to Fifty Shades Of Grey that asks, “Why not counter a kinky BDSM romantic thriller with a Christ-loving, old-fashioned romance with no bondage, no masochism, and no sadism, but instead a big old heaping of Christ’s love and old-fashioned Christian values, you know, the ones the Duck Dynasty people can get behind?”
Old Fashioned looks to be exactly like Fifty Shades Of Grey, only its opposite in every conceivable way. It’s a little like putting out an “answer book” to Madonna’s notorious X-rated coffee table book Sex that consists of nothing but pictures of puppies frolicking near an open fire hydrant. I mean, sure that’s a lot different than Madonna’s book, but it’s not going to negate it in any real way.
The trail of the tape
Title: Old Fashioned
Director: Rik Swartzwelder
Screenwriter: Rik Swartzwelder
Cast: Rik Swartzwelder, Elizabeth Ann Roberts
Release date: Feb. 13, 2015
The entire trailer in one line of dialogue: N/A
The entire trailer in one screen grab:
In case anyone misses the connection, at every turn, Old Fashioned separates itself from Fifty Shades Of Grey, opening with a credit insisting it’s NOT based on the best-selling book Fifty Shades Of Grey, that it’s about a “sincere small businessman,” not a “sexy corporate mogul,” features not a “naive ingenue” but rather a “sweet Midwestern girl with a cat” (we hope this cat plays a central role in the courtship), and promises “healing” in place of “manipulation,” “chivalry” instead of “exploitation,” and “brain-melting tedium” in place of “seedy, BDSM sex at least as hot as that found in Exit To Eden,” although I added that last comparison myself. For those who want to preserve their innocence and bore themselves into oblivion, Old Fashioned opens the day before Valentine’s Day, the same day as Fifty Shades Of Grey.