You know that feeling when you read a very stupid movie summary, and you sigh really loudly to yourself for a few minutes, then wonder whether you should stand up, walk outside, hail a cab, go to the airport, fly to Cuba, change your name to Belarmina, and live out the rest of your days Under The Tuscan Sun-style, except in Cuba, repainting your vaulted ceilings and pretending the Internet was never invented? That’s happening to me right now, as I type this news item about Bad In Bed, an upcoming “sex comedy” from Paramount potentially starring Justin Timberlake and Josh Gad.
“A sex comedy with Josh Gad?” you cry. “But how! He is not easy on the eyes! Is Paramount trying to make negative money?” Worry not, faithful readers; said summary I am about to share with you addresses this concern head-on: “[Bad In Bed] follows a hunk fitness instructor whose world is turned upside down when he his told that he is lacking in bed, leading him to consult an overly sensitive love-making genius who isn’t as easy on the eyes in order to get in touch with his emotional side.”
To be as clear and non-upsetting as possible, Justin Timberlake is in talks to play Zack Sorensen, the “womanizing fitness instructor that finally realizes that it is important to be in touch with his sensitive side,” while Gad is being eyed to play Andre Lemkey, the “overly sensitive man that channels his emotional side when he is intimate during sex.” Imagine, if you can, the mind-melting oxymoron—nay, the post-modern riddle—that this film presents: Two men, one sensitive and disgusting, the other not sensitive and a prime piece of man-meat, both getting laid on the reg. But it is the first man—who is, remember, so disgusting—who is better at boning. I know, it’s confusing to me, too; I just had to draw a little diagram.
Bad In Bed has, somehow, been in the works since 2011, when the first draft of the screenplay was penned by The Wedding Planner duo Pamela Falk and Mike Ellis (the script has since been rewritten by Sex And The City’s Cindy Chapack; I don’t know how to feel about this). Back then, our own Kate Erbland, over at Film School Rejects, penned several fascinating predictions about the film’s plot. “The film will be about a successful, beautiful careerwoman who holds one dirty little secret—she’s really a virgin. Instead of a forward-thinking film that doesn’t place value judgements on anyone’s sexual experiences or choices, Bad in Bed will make our leading lady (likely to be played by Kate Hudson) feel like a loser and an idiot who no man will want unless she gives it up,” wrote the Erbs. “She’ll meet a man she wants to impress, which will lead her down a rabbit hole of sexual debauchery with a number of other men, all in a desperate attempt to bank up all that sexin’ she ‘missed out on.’ She’ll then discover that the object of her affection is also a virgin. Whoops!”
How stunningly prescient, my dear Kate. Just swap out your Hudson for a Timberlake (because nobody wants to watch movies about women learning to be intimate DURING sex, just after sex, when they intimately shave your chest), subtract a virginity or two, and throw in a cast member of The Wedding Ringer to attract hordes of rich, homophobic frat boys. Otherwise, you pretty much nailed it—sex-comedy pun intended! Anyway, see you guys in Cuba.