The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
He’s Not Starring In Chiraq Of The Day: Kanye West
Yesterday, we confidently reported that Kanye West would star in Spike Lee’s Chiraq. Everyone rejoiced (at the very least, me and Charles Bramesco). The streets filled with revelers. (Charles and I, in separate cities, took to our respective streets and fist-pumped for a few minutes.) Which is why I am sorry to tell you (Charles) that actually Kanye West is not at all in Spike Lee’s Chiraq. The rapper’s rep told Entertainment Weekly, “Contrary to published reports, Kanye West will not be starring in Chiraq. However, there are discussions for West’s possible involvement in the film’s soundtrack, schedule permitting.” It’s unclear who started this rumor, but I am certain it was Kanye, who loves to stunt on the entertainment industry. Well done, Kanye. Consider Charles and me stunted.
Perfect-Sounding Natalie Portman Movie Of The Day: Planetarium
After spending the past few years getting married to a ballerino, having a baby, hiding in Paris because America is crazy, and directing a movie in Hebrew because America is crazy, Natalie Portman must be feeling kind of cooped up. Someone should have told her you can only make so many beret-shaped crepes and foreign-language films before you start to get bored. In the past week alone, she was cast in Alex Garland’s Annihilation, cast as Ruth Mother Bader Fucking Ginsburg in On The Basis Of Sex, and, as of today, has signed on to star in Planetarium, a 1930s-set drama directed by Rebecca Zlotowski. She and Lily Rose Depp, Johnny Depp’s young progeny, will play “spiritualist sisters” (?) in the film, which “follows the journey of sisters who are believed they possess the supernatural ability to connect with ghosts.” Oh, that kind of spiritualist. “They cross paths with a visionary French producer while performing in Paris.” Zlotowski and Robin Campillo, who previously wrote The Returned (!), will co-write the film. If Natalie Portman doesn’t stop joining the cast of perfect-sounding movies I am going to actually die and become a ghost and she will have to commune with me.
She’s Lovin’ It Of The Day: Laura Dern set to star in The Founder
Laura Dern, once arrested on charges of eating all the Happy Meals at small-town airports across America, is in talks (with her mouth full of Happy Meal) to join Michael Keaton in The Founder, about the rise and fall of the McDonald’s fast-food empire. Oh, sorry, just the rise; McDonald’s is still risen (for now, thanks to Laura Dern’s rave Yelp reviews). Dern will play Ethel Kroc, wife of Ray Kroc, a salesman from Illinois who met Mac and Dick McDonald, who were running a burger operation in 1950s SoCal, and was “impressed by the brothers’ speedy system of making the food and saw franchise potential. He maneuvered himself into a position to be able to pull the company from the brothers and create a billion-dollar empire.” Ethel “suffers through his business scheme” and is neglected by Ray. Considering her storied history with the brand, I imagine it will be tough for Laura—as it would any actress; nay, any human—to play “suffering and neglected” while jamming her face full of hot fries, but I know she has it in her.
Most British Casting Of The Day: Eddie Redmayne, in J.K. Rowling’s Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them
Eddie Redmayne was recently named Warner Bros.’ “first choice” to play Newt Scamander in Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them, J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter thing that is not a prequel and not a sequel. Now, Rowling’s made progress on the screenplay, and a “formal offer” has come through for Redmayne via the owl mails or whatever. The book, which I have not read, is based quite confusingly on another book—a textbook written by Scamander, used by Harry Potter and his friends at Hogwarts. More movies based on fake textbooks, is what I always say.
Exceptionally Full Circle Thing Of The Day: Luke Greenfield to direct Destiny for his “idol” Steven Spielberg
Luke Greenfield, director of movies that are definitely…movies, The Girl Next Door and Let’s Be Cops, will direct another movie called Destiny. “This one is exceptional because it brings full circle his absolute devotion to DreamWorks chief Steven Spielberg,” notes Deadline. This is not as creepy and cult-like as it sounds. Actually, it kind of is. See, when Greenfield was just a young kid, his mom sent her son’s Super 8 films to Spielberg, asking if he had “what it took” to become a filmmaker. Spielberg responded enthusiastically and with lots of advice, writing, “maybe someday our paths will cross.” After Spielberg saw The Girl Next Door, he asked Greenfield to come in for a meeting, where he told him to pitch something. Greenfield pitched Destiny, a “supernatural love story about a struggling designer who must overcome his fears and uncertainty.” A designer of what? Luke, be specific when you pitch!! Anyway, DreamWorks is now producing the feel-good film in a story worthy of a feel-good film, and life is a road, and love is a journey, etc.
Best Reason To Have A Wedding Of The Day: To use it as a trap for drug dealers, like in The Wedding Sting
After a “quite competitive” bidding war, Paramount has optioned the rights to the Atlantic article The Wedding Sting, about the beautiful wedding of two bees! No, it’s about drugs. Set in Flint, Michigan in 1990, the piece “tells the tale of how the local police department devised a plan to create a fake wedding in order to lure all the local drug dealers to one party…The case became so legendary that law enforcement agencies all over the world began using it as a tool to teach future undercover agents how to practice successful drug stings.” And you said weddings were pointless! Or actually I said it, but still.