The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Deeply Offensive Human Of The Day, Every Day: Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler, usually a classy paragon of moral rectitude who handles issues regarding gender and race with the utmost respect, is in deep shit. Indian Country reports that the Ridiculous Six’s Native cultural advisor, along with approximately a dozen Native actors, walked off the film’s set in indignation yesterday. “The actors,” reads the piece, “who were primarily from the Navajo nation, left the set after the satirical western’s script repeatedly insulted native women and elders and grossly misrepresented Apache culture.” That sounds so unlike him, you say? I cannot believe it, you cry? Here’s more: “The examples of disrespect included Native women’s names such as Beaver’s Breath and No Bra, an actress portraying an Apache woman squatting and urinating while smoking a peace pipe, and feathers inappropriately positioned on a teepee.” Navajo Nation tribal member Loren Anthony told the publication that “though he understands the movie is a comedy, the portrayal of the Apache was severely negligent and the insults to women were more than enough reason to walk off the set.” Another cast member, David Hill, said, “This isn’t my first rodeo. If someone doesn’t speak up, no one will.” Yet a third, former Dartmouth student Allison Young, said, “I was just standing there and got emotional and teary-eyed. I didn’t want to cry but the feeling just came over me.” (Netflix has since released a statement defending Sandler’s film as a “satire,” if you want to read some nonsense.)
Best News Of The Day And My Life: Nickelodeon acquired Mary Kate And Ashley Olsen’s filmography
Is it my birthday? Because Nickelodeon just gave me the best gift of my entire life. I am genuinely verklempt to report that the network has paid homage to my childhood (and my adulthood, I won’t lie to you, not here) by acquiring Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen’s vast filmic and TV repertoire, including four series, seven TV movies, and two “music video specials.” Nickelodeon will start airing the twins’ 1990s/early aughts gems on April 27 (whoa I have no time to emotionally prepare), starting with their short-lived comedy series So Little Time, in which they totally mindfucked every young child in America by swapping character types. Ashley—normally the straight-laced sister—starred as Chloe, the free-spirited twin with curly hair, while Mary Kate—the sister most likely to get high under the bleachers, even as a 7-year-old—played Riley, who ironed her locks and acted responsibly. (Both shared a dope nanny played by Taylor Negron.) Later, Nickelodeon will serve up smash hits like When In Rome, which sees the sisters cavorting around the titular city with foreign dudes, and Winning London, which sees the sisters cavorting around the titular city with foreign dudes, and Holiday In The Sun, which sees the sisters cavorting around the titular city (the sun) with foreign dudes and Megan Fox.
Hollywood Dicks Of The Day: Marvel and Sony, casually putting fragile young men on a “Spider-Man short list”
Because Hollywood is full of total dicks, a Spider-Man shortlist has been released, essentially pitting five young and impressionable actors against one another in the public square. Sony and Marvel are wondering, out loud, to all of the world (but unofficially, of course), whether they can rest their precious comic-book franchise on the bony, underdeveloped shoulders of Nat Wolff, Asa Butterfield, Tom Holland, Timothy Chalet, or Liam James. To add insult to injury, these barely-pubescent dudes are being considered “among others,” too. “To be clear,” adds The Wrap, “none of the five actors above have test offers, but multiple individuals with knowledge of the situation have confirmed they are strong contenders who are definitely in the mix as of right now, and the group paints a picture of the kind of actor the studios want.” I don’t even remotely know what any of that means. Except that Hollywood people are dicks.
Sequel Thing Of The Day: Tyler Perry set to star in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2
Tyler Perry of Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas fame is set to join the cast of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. He’ll play scientist Baxter Stockman, who, in previous iterations of the franchise, “was responsible for the creations of the Mousers, machines meant to seek out and destroy sewer rats.” Hey, thanks, Tyler Perry! I hate sewer rats. What's that you say? “The villainous Shredder learns of this invention and hires Stockman as his own scientist, with the intent of using the Mousers to destroy Splinter, mentor to the Turtles”? I thought we were cool just now, Tyler Perry.
Star Wars Thing Of The Day: Sam Claflin and Riz Ahmed in talks to star in Rogue One
Sam Claflin is being eyed for “one of the starring roles in Star Wars: Rogue One,” and Riz Ahmed is in talks to join the cast, too. That’s really all of the news; if you wanted more info, please remember that this is Star Wars, which means every piece of actual news surrounding it will be shouted from rooftops and written in the skies and tattooed onto newborn babies’ foreheads and scribbled sloppily over all of the signatures on The Declaration Of Independence and carved into every fresh corpse and projected into alternate dimensions and sent back in time to notify the apes so that they might stop evolving for a moment, hold a hairy palm to their hearts, and weep.
Tom Cruise’s New Scientology Recruit Of The Day: Domhnall Gleeson, who may join Cruise in Mena
Domhnall Gleeson, best known for [redacted] in Ex Machina and [redacted] in Star Wars: The Force Awakens, is in talks to join the cast of Tom Cruise’s Mena. Based on a spec script by Gary Spinelli, the film follows “Barry Seal, a TWA pilot recruited by the CIA to provide reconnaissance on the burgeoning communist threat in Central America. Seal finds himself in charge of one of the biggest covert CIA operations in the history of the U.S., one that spawned the birth of the Medellin cartel and eventually almost brought down the Reagan White House through the Iran Contra scandal.” Small potatoes when you compare it to the fact that Star Wars did in fact bring down the Reagan White House. (Reagan was really into Star Wars and stopped being the president so he could watch it more.)