The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Life Unaffirming TV Remake Of The Day: The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Fox is prepping to remake The Rocky Horror Picture Show , but on TV, because I don’t even know anymore. It’ll be a “two-hour musical event special” directed by Kenny Ortega of High School Musical fame. Real talk: I enjoyed High School Musical 3, what with its Zac Efron and its meta commentary on life imitating art imitating life imitating Zac Efron. Realer talk: Kenny Ortega is in no position to remake The Rocky Horror Picture Show, unless you all feel like seeing a Tim Curry wannabe angrily storming around a golf course, singing about peer pressure. (I of course want to see that in general, just not in this context.) I am going to go stick my head in a pile of sand.
Not Just A Blade Leg of The Day: Sofia Boutella cast in Star Trek 3
Sofia Boutella has been cast as the lead in Star Trek 3. You might remember Sofia from her “sharp turn as the sexy blade-legged assassin” in Kingsman: The Secret Service, but you might also remember her from that time she stabbed you in the leg with her blade leg. Deadline reports that “prying loose info on this project is difficult” (not as hard as it was to pry loose that blade from your leg, though), and they’re not sure “whether she’s on the side of good or bad.” A trenchant comment on human nature in general, Deadline.
Calm Down Everyone Of The Day: Warner Bros. desperate for James Wan to direct Aquaman
James Wan, who just forced everybody to start making movies about cars, is in line to direct Aquaman. There are potential problems, though, that might prevent this: Wan might return to Fast And Furious franchise, he is about to direct the Conjuring sequel, and he feels threatened by Jason Momoa’s raw sexuality. But Warner Bros is “high on Wan” (a controlled substance) and wants him anyway. Anyway, there are literally three years until this movie is released, and there’s not even a script yet, so really everyone just needs to calm down and enjoy their weekends, spend some time with their families, pick up a hobby, not compare humans to drugs.
Gone Girl Vibe We Were Waiting For Of The Day: Maestra, maybe produced by Amy Pascal
Sony is in negotiations to buy “the hot book on the street” for Amy Pascal to produce. It’s called Maestra, and it’s a thriller by S.L. Knight—nay, a “sexy thriller” with a “Gone Girl vibe.” Oh no. We’ve officially hit peak Gone Girl-vibe and it’s only April 10. This particular sexy thriller centers on “an assistant at an art auction house who gets fired for identifying a forged painting. The assistant then goes on a mission that involves seducing an art dealer connected to the forgery, all in the name of learning the fraud game.” Whew! Is it hot in here, or is it just this forged painting? Or is it just that the book is so hot and then it was on the street for a while?
Oh Of the Day: Karl Lagerfeld won’t be in Zoolander 2
Karl Lagerfeld, who is known for being a jaunty person who loves laughter, refuses to be in Zoolander 2. He told Grazia, “I don’t want to be in the movie! They wanted me to be in the movie [exclamation points Grazia’s]!” Lagerfeld also shared that he was unimpressed by Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson’s recent Fashion Week stunt, which saw them storming the Valentino runway in character. “I didn’t like it,” he said. “I’m not an actor.” Incidentally, I’m also not an actor and I didn’t like it, and also refuse to be in Zoolander 2. I am also Karl Lagerfeld.
Goddamn Liar Of The Day: Johnny Depp, who hates (!!) chocolate
Johnny Depp and America have a relationship based on trust and mutual respect. Which is why it comes as a massive blow to learn that, though he starred in the chocolate-centric movie Chocolat, he hates chocolate. Juliette Binoche exposed Depp’s treachery in an interview with The Hollywood Reporter: “To tell you the truth, the shop was all fake chocolate. [Ed note: Another lie.] Because of all the lights, chocolate wouldn't have been able to stand up with that heat. But of course we did have to eat some. I discovered that Johnny Depp actually didn't like chocolate. He was spitting it out after each take, and Alfred Molina didn't like chocolate that much, either. It was a funny experience dealing with them and the faces they would make.” It’s both fascinating and tragic that, after filming Chocolat, Depp signed on for several additional chocolate-based movies, including Blow and Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. This revelation throws Depp’s recent hand injury while filming Pirates Of The Carribbean into stark relief—what if it wasn’t a hand injury at all, but rather, an aversion to pirates? What if he tears off his pirate beard in a mutinous rage at the end of every scene, spluttering his many regrets into the harsh ocean winds?