The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Times May Change Me, But I Can’t Change Times Of The Day: The New York Times film review policy is different
The New York Times has announced that it’s officially changing its film-review policy from “we review everything” to “whatevs.” “Because of the increasing volume of new films released each year, The Times is no longer able to guarantee reviews of all New York theatrical releases,” wrote A.O. Scott, the Times’ chief film critic, in an email obtained by Variety. He added that the paper will review as many films as possible, on a “case by case basis.” This is bad news for indie and documentary filmmakers, who often rely on a review in the Times for prestige and awards consideration, but it’s good news for A.O. Scott, who has been chained to a chair with his eyes forced open, Clockwork-Orange style, since the birth of the universe.
As An American, I Think This Is Totally Fine Of The Day: Gaspar Noe thinks 12-year-olds can see his 3-D porno, Love
Gaspar Noe’s 3-D porno, Love, premiered at Cannes to varying reviews and more importantly, as The Guardian politely explains, “contains scenes of vaginal penetration, mutual masturbation, and an ejaculation that—thanks to 3-D technology—arcs out of the screen towards the audience.” Cute! As an American, I find that cute. In an interview with journalists at the fest, Noe shared that there was “nothing nasty” about the film. “I think it’ll be banned for those under age 16,” he added. “If I was part of the committee, I would set the age limit at 12 or 13 maybe.” He went on to call Americans “square,” so now I can’t say anything about how 12-year-olds might not be the ideal audience for this movie without proving him right. Hell, I’m taking my 12-year-old sister to see it right now! As soon as we finish this diorama she’s making for school based on the orgy scene from Eyes Wide Shut.
Wholly Unfounded Thing Of The Day: Matthew McConaughey might play Norman Osborn
Flagrant rumors abound that Matthew McConaughey may play “inspiring but malevolent genius” Norman Osborn in the new Spider-Man reboot. Yep. Well, he’ll either be played by McConaughey or your dad. This totally unfounded and random news comes on the heels of McConaughey’s announcement the other day that he was open to playing a superhero. Say what you will about people—they endanger children by showing them sexually explicit materials, they didn’t review your indie film, etc.—but damned if we’re not good at circulating made-up shit (myself included!).
Fun Gender-Swap Of The Day: The Crow’s villain is a woman
In actual, real news, The Crow remake, which has struggled to fly the coop over the past few years, has finally cast its villain. In a mind-boggling turn of events we haven’t seen since the likes of Mrs. Doubtfire, he is a she. Yes, female human Andrea Riseborough is in talks to play Top Dollar, who, in the novel and original movie was “the baddest of the bad guys [emphasis on guy] in the story of Draven, who comes back from the dead to avenge his girlfriend’s death after both were killed in a deadly attack. The evil is part of a larger syndicate led by Top Dollar, played by Michael Wincott in 1994.” Women: We can fuck up undead people, too!
Women On The Edge Of An Animated Breakdown Of The Day: Leslie Mann and Kat Dennings in The Croods 2
Leslie Mann and Kat Dennings have joined the voice cast of The Croods 2, a movie about how even cavemen were too square to appreciate Gaspar Noe’s Love. The movie “continues the prehistoric misadventures of the caveman family and their one Homo Sapien companion.” Nicolas Cage is returning as “the dad,” Emma Stone as “the feisty daughter,” and Ryan Reynolds as “Guy, the human,” which is how we should always describe Ryan Reynolds from now on. Mann will play the “matriarch of an upscale family that competes with the Croods”; Dennings will voice her daughter, “someone whose instinct to hunt is being suppressed.” Ooh, is the Croods 2 getting feminist? Or just, like, pro-hunting?