The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Knockout Collabo Of The Day: Roger Deakins and Denis Villeneuve in Blade Runner 2
Roger Deakins will shoot Denis Villeneuve’s Blade Runner 2. I’ll give you all a moment to digest this info, hug each other, cry in the rain, pretend you aren’t Replicants, etc. This marks the duo’s third collaboration—they’ve previously worked together on Prisoners and Sicario, which just premiered at Cannes. In a related and troubling development, Ryan Gosling, previously announced as Blade Runner 2’s star, isn’t mentioned in this latest press release. Has Gosling dropped out? Do Deakins and Gosling have beef? Should we start that rumor together? Who’s calling US Weekly, you guys or me?
Knockout Collabo, Again, Of The Day: Barbra Streisand and her memoir
Barbra Streisand has been talking about her memoir for so long she could write a memoir about it!! (Holding for applause.) But truly, we’ve been waiting for a really long time to hear the actress/filmmaker/singer/songwriter/passionate interior decorator/Instagram sensation’s fascinating life story—most since 2009; me since I was a baby (being delivered by Dr. Barbra Streisand) (a little-known period of her life she’ll definitely cover in her memoirs). Today brings news that Babs will finally publish that memoir in 2017; in it, she’ll “reflect on her childhood, her career, and on the private life she has carefully guarded [including the time she spent delivering babies].” Also, apparently Barbra has previously published an “illustrated book featuring her Malibu, California compound” titled My Passion For Design oh my God I love you so much Barbra.
Casting Switch-Ups Of The Day: The Magnificent Seven
Peter Saarsgaard is in “final negotiations” to play Bartholomew Bogue in The Magnificent Seven remake. Bogue is “a robber baron whose hired thugs kill the husband of a woman who hires a group of mercenaries to take back the small town that has become Bogue’s stomping grounds.” Okay! Meanwhile, Jason Momoa has dropped out of the film (he was playing a gunman) because, rumor has it, he “just didn’t have enough to do” and “not much to say in the film.” As opposed to his role on Game Of Thrones, where he had lots of raping to do and lots of raping to talk about.
Utterly Surreal Thing Of The Day: 50 Cents Of Humor
Apparently, every clip of Spy that lands online is accompanied by a video starring 50 Cent (yes, that 50 Cent) providing a “scientific breakdown of the comedy of Spy.” This “show” is called 50 Cents Of Humor, a title I had to speak out loud to understand its tragic, fragile double meaning. I’ve so far been able to watch one clip without entering a state of existential panic; in it, 50 Cent breaks down why a joke that Jason Statham makes about Face/Off is funny. On a related note, I am going to host a YouTube series accompanying every episode of 50 Cents Of Humor, providing a scientific breakdown of why it is the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.
Sequel Thing Of The Day: Bad Santa 2
A Bad Santa sequel has been in the works for years, just like Barbra Streisand’s memoir and 50 Cent’s raw, quiet desperation. Bad Santa 2 might finally start filming in September or October—director Doug Ellin told Collider that he’s currently working on a script, and that Billy Bob Thornton is definitely on board. Even though it’s basically Christmas right now, and even though we were all so good this year, and even though it’s highly likely that somebody came up with the idea for Paul Blart: Mall Cop after viewing the damage wrought by Thornton’s mall-safe-robbing Santa and somebody owes us an apology for that, Ellin refused to share any details about the film, his face a mask of utter indifference. So it’s safe to assume that Bad Santa 2 will star 50 Cent as himself, explaining why Bad Santa was funny.