The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Inspired By True Events But Not The Actual Story Of The Day: Gold, starring Michelle Williams and Matthew McConaughey
Hey guys. Got some bad news. Matthew McConaughey’s Sea Of Trees just got booed hardcore at Cannes. Everybody hated it. So let’s try to be supportive of him in this Newsies. Michelle Williams has joined McConaughey and Edgar Ramirez in Gold, the latest entry in the Fool’s Gold Cinematic Universe. Williams will play McConaughey’s wife in the movie, which is “inspired by true events, but isn’t the actual story of the 1993 Bre-X Minerals mining scandal, in which vast amounts of gold were reportedly discovered in the Indonesian jungle.” Stephan Gaghan will direct. McConaughey will be amazing!!!!!
Tee Hee Of The Day: Stalin
Remember Stalin? Armando Iannucci, the brilliant mind behind TV’s Veep, is set to direct a Stalin satire. “Stalin wasn’t a satire?” you ask. I know it’s confusing, but no, Stalin was real. The film will adapt Fabien Nury’s acclaimed 2011 graphic novel, The Death Of Stalin, which “opens with the stroke of the Soviet dictator in March 1953 and shows how his regime unraveled in the days following his death.” No, it is funny. You’ll see. You’ll all see.
Let It Be Of The Day: There WERE five Beatles, okay?
Remember the Beatles? There were four of them, right? WRONG. Did you even pay attention during Beatles class? Tight black British T-shirt Simon Cowell is here to appropriately school you with his upcoming movie, The Fifth Beatle, based on the life of Beatles manager Brian Epstein. The screenplay, written by Vivek J. Tiwary, is an adaptation of his graphic novel that “recounts how Epstein discovered the Beatles in a cellar in Liverpool and guided them to worldwide success.” In a cellar? Jesus. That’s dark. Unless it was one of Stalin’s classic practical jokes. In which case, good one, Stalin.
Bleak French Thing Of The Day: Personal Shopper, starring Kristen Stewart
Kristen Stewart will star in Olivier Assayas’ Personal Shopper, based on the true story of how Stalin once moonlighted as a personal shopper for other fledgling fascists. Assayas, who previously directed Stewart in Clouds Of Sils Maria, wrote the film, which is a “Paris-set English-language ghost story taking place in the fashion underworld.” K, that’s weirder than the thing I came up with. Olivier, you crazy fuck! I love you.
Cool Sports Movie Of The Day: Jay Baruchel will direct Goon: The Last Enforcers
Jay Baruchel is set to make his directorial debut with Goon: Last Of The Enforcers. The film is the follow-up to Michael Dowse’s “hockey comedy” Goon, which I have not seen, but which sounds redundant, because hockey is already hilarious. Not as hilarious as Stalin, but close. Have you seen those shoulder pads? Or how about those... bad scores? Am I right? Sean William Scott is set to reprise his role as “hockey enforcer Doug ‘The Thug’ Glatt,” who will see his team, the Halifax Highlanders, “reunite with a host of new players during a pro lockout.” Reached my hockey ceiling, bye.