The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Ultra Chill News Of The Day: New American Ultra plot details and poster
We already knew that American Ultra, one of The Dissolve’s most anticipated summer films, would follow Jesse Eisenberg as small-town stoner Mike and Kristen Stewart as his girlfriend, Phoebe. A new summary released today explains the plot further: “Mike is hoping to propose to Phoebe, but on their trip out of town when he’s about to pop the question, she discovers he’s actually an agent, and the government is hunting him down.” Wait, is that not sexy? Promotional posters from the film were released today, too. They depict Eisenberg and Stewart, both clad in their stoner best (T-shirts, flannel, bright orange hair because weed makes your hair orange), with plumes of what’s presumably pot smoke drifting from their open mouths. The smoke drifts casually—it’s not cool to rush when you are a plume of pot smoke—up to the top of the poster, where it spells “American Ultra.” Screenwriter Max Landis was unimpressed with the posters, taking to Twitter to call them “…weird.”
Motherloving Great News Of The Day: The Lonely Island movie
The Lonely Island—a.k.a. the music/digital-short wizards Andy Samberg, Akiva Schaffer, and Jorma Taccone, of boxing-up-their-dicks fame—are joining forces with Judd Apatow for a “film set in the world of music” at Universal. The Hollywood Reporter has plot details: “The project takes aim on the fluffy music documentaries of recent years such as Justin Bieber’s Never Say Never and Katy Perry’s Part Of Me. It centers on a rapper whose latest album bombs and he must do the unthinkable: a reunion concert with his former boy band.” You had me at Justin Bieber, who is my absolute best friend. Also at boy bands. You just have me, okay? Schaffer and Taccone will co-direct, and Apatow will produce.
True Crime Of The Day: Brett Ratner is producing True Crimes, starring Jim Carrey
Jim Carrey is in talks to star in True Crimes, a thriller produced by Brett Ratner about the crimes he has committed against humanity via his movies. Alexandros Avranas will direct the pic, based on a 2008 New Yorker article by David Grann that “follows a murder investigation that turns to clues found in an author’s book about an eerily similar crime.” I haven’t read the article yet, but I do see that it starts with some dudes finding a dead body in a river, which is basically how 8 million books and movies and Twin Peaks start. Heck, this is #America in 2015! Who hasn’t found a dead body in a river at this point?
Women Cast In Movie About Women Of The Day: Annette Bening, Greta Gerwig, and Elle Fanning
Annette Bening, Greta Gerwig, and Elle Fanning have joined the cast of 20th Century Women, a movie about how chill and fun it was to be a lady in the 20th century. Directed by Mike Mills and produced through Megan Ellison’s Annapurna Pictures, the film is “set in Santa Barbara, Calif., during the summer of 1979. It tells the story of a mother who’s trying her best to raise her teenage son while looking for answers from two other remarkable women in her life.” Bening will play the mother, Gerwig will play “a young sophisticated photographer submersed in the punk culture of the era,” and Fanning will play “a provocative friend of the son.” Oh, good, they covered all the bases re: types of women. Now I can relax and let my hair turn orange.
War: What Is It Good For? Of The Day: The next Planet Of The Apes movie
The next The Planet Of The Apes movie has a title: War Of The Planet Of The Apes. This title can be taken one of two ways: 1) The apes will go engage in a violent war with humans or 2) The apes will partake in a jovial rap-battle, sort of like in 8 Mile, but with less vomit on their sweaters already. I’d prefer the latter, but if it has to be the former, can we at least have one Nicki Minaj guest verse? The movie will be out July 14, 2017, which gives the writers two full years to figure out what rhymes with “hominid.”
Jesus Christ Of The Day: The Princess Of North Sudan
Stephany Folsom has been tapped to pen the script for Disney’s The Princess Of North Sudan, the most offensively dumb movie ever made this side of Brett Ratner. It’s billed as a “unique princess tale” based on the true story of “an American dad whose daughter asked if she would ever be a real princess. That question set the man on a search for a region in the world that was disputed, eventually finding a territory named Bir Tawil, an area between Egypt and Sudan. In June of 2014, he flew to the area, planted a flag and, calling it the Kingdom of North Sudan, claimed it for himself and his family.” Honestly, I could not come up with a more ignorant, ethnocentric, myopic, tone-deaf, idiotic story if I tried for the rest of my adult life. The flag-planting is the cherry on top of this nightmare sundae. How this is becoming a Disney movie and not a dark Christopher Guest spoof is beyond me. Morgan Spurlock (???) is producing. I don’t know anything anymore. Somebody get me my weird American Ultra posters so I can chill.