The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Wait, What Of The Day: Tom Hardy says some more stuff
Everyone’s favorite post-modern poet Tom Hardy is back in the Newsies today thanks to yet another spoken-word masterpiece he spontaneously dropped from his mouth during an interview with Collider. Hardy hinted that he’s working on an 100-percent inscrutable project with DC: “I actually got something cooking with Warner Bros. which is also a comic book, it’s a DC thing which is kind of…It’s really good actually, it contains elements of all kinds of stuff,” he said. “From Ocean’s Eleven, to Batman, you can get all the wrappers out and it would be a big, really cool, Technicolor, Pulp Fiction…It’s a psychological fuckfest [emphasis Newsies], it’s absolutely awesome. It’s as if you would take Transmetropolitan and make it happen, but it’s not that out there it’s something which is much more real world. It could be like Heat, it could be fucking awesome. Let me tell you what it is, try and guess…It’s not even a movie.” Please raise your hand if you a) have any idea what he’s talking about or b) know what wrappers are in this context? or c) can explain—with accompanying visuals—the mechanics of a psychological fuckfest.
Forthcoming Full-Frontal Flash Of The Day: Jamie Dornan’s in Fifty Shades Darker
Fifty Shades Of Grey suffered critically from its lack of male full-frontal nudity and its lack of being a good movie. Thankfully, an obscure Australian publication known as Cosmopolitan is reporting that star Jamie Dornan may be pulling back the curtain (on his dick) in the sequel, Fifty Shades Darker. Allegedly, Fifty Shades’ higher-ups have offered Dornan $1.9 million to go full-frontal in the film, with the promise that he’ll have “full creative control” over the scene. So he’ll likely be able to choose the camera angles, the temperature of the room, how much of his manhood will show on screen, and whether or not he wants to take my suggestion to film the scene in slo-mo and score it to “Candle In The Wind.”
What Is Happening In This Movie Of The Day: The Kaiser’s Last Kiss
Lily James is set to star opposite Christopher Plummer in The Kaiser’s Last Kiss, a Nazi spy thriller “set in the early years of World War II, in the aftermath of the Nazi invasion of the Netherlands in 1940.” Christopher Plummer loves movies about Nazis! I’m happy he’s continuing to follow his heart. The summary of this movie is really confusing me, though: “Living there is former monarch Kaiser Wilhelm, living in exile since 1917. In an effort to thwart the Nazis, the Dutch resistance work covertly with Winston Churchill to insert an agent into the Kaiser’s household. A lethally dangerous love affair ignites between a German officer and a young Jewish Dutch woman (James) with devastating consequences as the Nazis race to identify and eliminate the agent behind the potentially disastrous defection of their former emperor to England.” There are so many nouns here help.
Satanists, Rejoice Of The Day: The Devil Wears Prada will become a musical
The Devil Wears Prada, the hit 2006 film about how the fashion line is merely a front for an upscale Satanic cult steeped in human sacrifice, is going to be made into a musical. Broadway producer Kevin McCollum, who’s worked on The Last Ship, Avenue Q, In The Heights, and Motown The Musical, told ABC today that he’s working on adaptations of both Mrs. Doubtfire (which we already knew) and The Devil Wears Prada (which Satan already knew). I’m already stressed out for the person who’s going to have to fill Meryl’s shoes, which is deeply meta. Also, here are some possible song titles; please pay me via Venmo, Kevin: “One Human Skull (Away From My Goal Weight),” “The Exorcism Of Testino,” and “Freebasin’ With Freemasons.”
Old Dude Action Movie Of The Day: Liam Neeson’s A Willing Patriot
Hot on the heels of the #dadbod movement comes news that Liam Neeson will fling his rickety limbs about in yet another dad-centric action movie. He’s in final negotiations to star in A Willing Patriot, which was, coincidentally, George W. Bush’s early-childhood nickname. Directed by Martin Zandvliet (Applause), Patriot will star Neeson as a “CIA agent who tries to outsmart and capture a terrorist who is planning an attack.” I sort of hope all CIA agents are doing that all the time? But what do I know about National Security (TM).
Sister Act Of The Day: The Mulleavy sisters will direct a movie
In today’s third crossover between fashion, film, and music (following The Devil Wears Prada musical and Jamie Dornan’s chic and tasteful nakedness set to the hip sounds of Elton John), L.A. fashion designers Kate and Laura Mulleavy of popular label Rodarte are set to make their feature-film debut with a movie whose title is either a play on Woodstock or something else, I dunno. Woodshock, a thoughtful documentary following the feature-film debut of Jamie Dornan’s penis, will star Kristen Dunst, a longtime friend of the sisters; A24 (Ex Machina) has preemptively scooped up the film’s U.S. rights. Plot details are “being kept under tight wraps,” (hopefully not too tight for poor Jamie!) but the storyline is described as “an original concept derived from a screenplay written by the duo that’s been in development for several years.”