The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Movie That Will One Day Be Made Inside A Company Of The Day: An Indiana Jones sequel
We’ve been speculating about an Indiana Jones sequel for months—will Chris Pratt star? will Spielberg direct? will Harrison Ford come back? will somebody make Shia LaBeouf cut his hair? can anybody hear me?—but today brings the first official confirmation that the sequel will actually, you know, happen and stuff. Probably. In this month’s Vanity Fair’s cover story on Star Wars, Lucasfilm President Kathleen Kennedy told writer Bruce Handy that another Indy movie “will one day be made inside this company. When it will happen, I’m not quite sure. We haven’t started working on a script yet, but we are talking about it.” Double-speak nonsense aside, what about Shia’s hair, Kathleen? Can’t you DO something? You’re the PRESIDENT.
People Cast In The Long Home Of The Day: Everyone
Quick, name 14 people. Chances are all of them have already been or will be cast in James Franco’s The Long Home. In one day alone, Courtney Love, Timothy Hutton, Ashton Kutcher, Zoe Levin, and the one true king, Josh Hartnett, have all joined the film. Based on the novel by William Gay, The Long Home is set in “1940s rural Tennessee, where a young man (yet another person, Josh Hutcherson) goes to work building a honky-tonk for a charismatic and diabolical bootlegger, unaware that the man had murdered his father 10 years prior. He runs into further trouble when he falls for the young woman the bootlegger is grooming to be a prostitute.” No word on who any of these actors will play in the movie, but let’s speculate: Josh will play the bootlegger, because he is charismatic and diabolical as fuck; Timothy will be his murdered father, because he’s the oldest and the most believable as a murder victim (sorry, but who would kill Josh?); Zoe Levin will play the prostitute, because she’s the youngest; and Courtney Love will play Pearl, the bootleggers’ wife, who is forced to deal with the rapid changes in her life and her world at great personal sacrifice. Okay, that last one is a real description from Deadline, I’m not that good.
Hair-Raising (I had to) Casting News Of The Day: Nicki Minaj has joined the cast of Barber Shop 3
In the most wondrous casting news ever to grace these glossy pages, rapper Nicki Minaj, one of my personal heroes, will co-star in Barbershop 3, a film about a group of consummate hair stylists who team up to take down Shia LaBeouf’s rattail braid. Minaj joins Ice Cube and Cedric the Entertainer in the film, in which she’ll play Draya, “the sassy new hairdresser of the beauty shop portion of the barbershop.” I am not being facetious when I say there is nobody in the entire world I would trust more with my hair than Nicki Minaj. She is my hair muse. She is the hair-related change I wish to see in the world. If anyone can fix Shia (personally, professionally, follicly), it’s Onika.
Marvel Thing Of The Day: Martin Freeman has joined the cast of Captain America: Civil War
Martin Freeman—best known for playing Watson in PBS’ Sherlock, a nebbish wife-slayer in FX’s Fargo, and a contemporary-casual hobbit in Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit—has joined the cast of Captain America: Civil War, Marvel’s thinly veiled bid for the United States’ secession from the planet. Deadline hilariously side-eyes Marvel in its item on Freeman’s casting, writing, “Marvel.com just dropped the news but as per usual gave no further details.” As per usual, Marvel will have the last laugh when its propaganda film succeeds in convincing every American to sever ties with Earth.
Why Did Tom Hardy Drop Out Of Suicide Squad Of The Day?: Inarritu, his beard, scheduling
Tom Hardy has finally come forward to explain why he dropped out of Suicide Squad so many months ago. It is a multi-part explanation, one that unfolds like a post-modern spoken-word poem. Hardy puts Birdman director Alejandro G. Innaritu—whom he may have recently punched in the face—on low blast: “Alejandro has overshot by three months in Calgary, so we’ve got to go back out to Patagonia or Alaska to continue shooting The Revenant which has turned into a much bigger beast than we thought, but that also looks exceptional.” He places some significant blame on his own facial hair and uses the phase “it would have smashed the two”: “Literally we wrapped in Calgary for now until we go back in July. It would have smashed the two, I would’ve had a beard. It was just not gonna happen so I got ass-slammed technically out of Suicide Squad, gutted, so I had to hand it over to Joel Kinnaman, who will do an amazing job. It’s just I got bumped out, and that’s cool that’s the way it is.” Lastly, he props up Warner Bros. and uses the phrase “fucking alley,” which I’ve never heard before but will now use regularly: “Warner Bros. is my home studio and I love them so I was really bummed out. I wanted to work on that and I know the script is really fucking alley and I also know what’s gonna happen with The Joker and Harley Quinn in that; I won’t give away too much… it’s fucking alley.”
Plinky Plinky Plink Of The Day: Michael Nyqvist and Famke Janssen join the cast of piano-centric thriller Every Good Boy Does Fine
Michael Nyqvist and Famke Janssen have joined the cast of Every Good Boy Does Fine, a thriller executive-produced by Steve Buscemi (?). Finnish filmmaker AJ Annila will make his English-language debut with the film, which “centers on a young boy, Brian, verging on adolescence, a little angry and quite possibly a piano prodigy.” Hm, sounds like somebody’s about to get murdered by Brian. Let’s find out. “But he hates practicing and playing—that is, until he meets music professor Mr. Anderson, who becomes Brian’s mentor and the father figure he needs. If only Brian didn’t increasingly suspect that Mr. Anderson is the serial killer that has been targeting musicians.” Oh, I was wrong about Brian. Classic bait-and-switch. Clearly this movie is not about psychotic overachieving children, but about how hard it is to find a good music teacher these days, mostly because of the underfunded arts programs in our schools and all of the serial killers.
Why Can’t I Hear Your Passion? Of The Day: Because it’s A Quiet Passion, starring Jennifer Ehle and Cynthia Nixon
Jennifer Ehle will star alonside Cynthia Nixon in the fucking alley Emily Dickinson biopic A Quiet Passion. The film focuses on “Dickinson’s early days as a schoolgirl to her later years as a reclusive, unrecognized artist. Her highly regarded poetry went largely undiscovered while she was alive.” Wow. Just like Tom Hardy’s almost did. Maybe she should have tried punching more people in the face?