The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Made-Up War Over A Film About A Made-Up War Of The Day: Sony & Warner Bros. fight for The Forever War
Affable man-sandwich Channing Tatum is attached to star in sci-fi/action film The Forever War, about how men and women will just never understand each other because they’re so different! The movie will be based on the book series by Joe Haldeman, which is an “analogy about the Vietnam War, an endless war where soldiers fight with no clear idea about why they are engaged in combat.” In a troubling and #relevant twist, Warner Bros and Sony are fighting tooth and nail to produce the film. Warner Bros is “trying to finalize deal points as quickly as possible to win the War,” while Sony is “still in talks as Tatum’s company is based there.” Who will Tatum choose? And who will die and stuff?
Laura Linney, Are You Okay Of The Day?: Laura Linney has joined Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2
Laura Linney, who has won three Oscars and lost at least three of her baby teeth, is joining the cast of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. Laura, girl, are you okay? Those Downton Abbey promos didn’t pay super well, or…? Tyler Perry was cast in the film last week, and Megan Fox and Will Arnett are coming back for round two as well. Details about Linney’s role are “being kept hidden deep in the sewers,” writes The Hollywood Reporter. Just like all of the bodies from the Sony/Warner Bros. Great Channing Tatum War of 2015 will soon be.
Dangerous Message Of The Day: Miracles From Heaven, now starring Jennifer Garner
Jennifer Garner is set to star in Miracles From Heaven, a faith-based film hot on the heels of other faith-based films like Heaven Is For Real (no relation), Left Behind, and Nymphomaniac Vol. 1. Based on the novel by Christy Beam, the story follows “a young girl who is suffering from a rare digestive disorder and finds herself miraculously cured after surviving a terrible accident.” Kids: Please note that you cannot cure your mild ailments by having a more dramatic, near-death experience. You can only cure them by praying for a very long time.
Charming Dick Of The Day: Robert Downey, Jr.
Robert Downey, Jr. is charming as hell. He is also kind of a dick. Today, EW published an interview with Downey wherein he laid into independent film, that overfunded and overappreciated medium. Downey, Jr. conducts an imaginary conversation with an indie filmmaker (Laura, can I just step over here for a sec—are YOU okay, Robert?), complains about the process being “exhausting” for movies that “sometimes suck,” and ends with “most of you [indie directors] are inexperienced and lame.” Thank you, Robert Downey, Jr. Indie film was really getting kind of cocky and convinced of its own brilliance. Thank God somebody has finally put indie film in its place.
Fully Necessary Remake Of The Day: Cube
Lionsgate, Roy Lee, and Jon Spaihts are remaking Cube, the 1997 cult sci-fi thriller about the terrifying nature of algebra. Saman Kesh (“Controller”) is attached to direct the film, retitled Cubed, because that’s the accurate algebraic term and accuracy in math is important. The original Cube was a “sci-fi survival thriller about artificial intelligence, humanity, and the birth of a new digital race.” Since all of that stuff has already happened, and I am writing this using my robot fingers, Cubed will probably be about something else.
Worst Way To Wake Up Of The Day: In a super high-security office building, forced to complete a strictly timed series of dangerous tasks
Craig Perry and Sheila Taylor, the pair behind the faith-based Final Destination and American Pie franchises, have started work on their next film. Titled Entry Level, the movie will be directed by Franck Khalfoun and “center on a young man who mysteriously awakens in a super high-security office building and is forced by a mysterious stranger to complete a strictly timed series of dangerous tasks that will implicate him in a deadly crime with global consequences.” Hm. Sounds like nothing that couldn’t be solved by having a terrible accident.