The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
“First Look” (For A Few Seconds) Of The Day: Kodi Smit-McPhee in X-Men Apocalypse
X-Men Apocalypse started filming today, and to celebrate, director Bryan Singer kindly gifted the world with a photo of Kodi Smit-McPhee as Nightcrawler. Actually, he posted it on his Instagram for a few minutes, then took it down, as is the exhausting wont of today’s marketing professionals. Fortunately for us entertainment reporters, who would be forced to resign and relinquish our life savings and family heirlooms to Singer if we’d missed the photo, an intrepid fan (Kodi Smit-McPhee) captured the photo before Singer could take it down. Basically, Smit-McPhee’s Nightcrawler looks like some kind of uncanny cross between a Na’vi from Avatar, an undernourished youth who’s eaten too many potato chips, and one of those MyIdol avatars that are the first step in the imminent A.I. apocalypse.
Overcrowded House Of The Day: Lifetime is making a made-for-TV movie about Full House
Everywhere you look, there’s a Full House reboot sprouting up, like grass from the lush San Francisco lawn once tumbled upon joyfully by the family Tanner. A few weeks ago, Netflix announced they’d be rebooting the series as Fuller House, unearthing the corpses of the family Tanner—all tragically killed in a lush-lawn-mowing accident—and reanimating them for the enjoyment of its now rapidly aging audience. Today brings news that Lifetime is developing a made-for-TV movie about the sitcom, called The Unauthorized Full House Story. The movie will reveal all manner of torrid details about the making of the ABC series, looking at “the rise of the cast and the pressure on them to balance the idyllic family life on the show with the more complicated realities of their own lives outside the series.” Case in point: During this episode, in which Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen played Michelle Tanner and her anthropomorphized memory, respectively, the sisters were embroiled in a dark plot to human-traffic their own sibling.
Standing In Solidarity Of The Day: Vanilla Ice and Adam Sandler
Last week, a dozen actors walked off the set of Adam Sandler’s The Ridiculous Six because of what they (correctly) perceived as racist, offensive jokes. This week, as is film-industry tradition, Vanilla Ice is defending Sandler. “It’s a comedy,” said Vanilla Ice, who stars in the film as Mark Twain (?). “I don’t think anybody really had any ill feeling or any intent or anything. This movie isn’t Dances With Wolves. It’s a comedy. They’re not there to showcase anything about anybody—they’re just making a funny movie, I think.” Not sure about you guys, but I’m now utterly convinced of Sandler’s good intentions and also comforted by the knowledge that Vanilla Ice fully understands the film he’s starring in. To recap, he’s pretty sure nobody involved with Ridiculous Six had “ill feeling,” he’s positive the film is not Dances With Wolves, and he thinks it’s a comedy. It’s also nothing short of admirable that he’s standing in solidarity with Sandler oh wait. “I don’t have anything to do with it,” he added. “I just play my part.”
Aubrey Plaza And Zac Efron Movie Of The Day: Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates
Aubrey Plaza has joined Zac Efron and Adam Devine in Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates. This is the second Zac Efron film that Aubrey Plaza has joined, which begs the question: Why? Please know that I love Zac Efron as much as the next human being with at least one set of eyes. But here is the synopsis for Mike And Dave: “The story of two hard-partying and immature brothers who place an ad online to find dates for a wedding and find a pair of women who can out-party them.” Anna Kendrick is also set to star, so I don’t know, maybe this movie will be wonderful! Who wants to get drunk?!
Good Times? Of The Day: Black-ish’s Kenya Barris will write Good Times
Black-ish creator Kenya Barris will write the screenplay for Good Times, a feature film that stars Vanilla Ice as himself, recreating the wonderful experience he had filming probable comedy The Ridiculous Six. The movie is based on the hit TV show of the same name, a “groundbreaking sitcom about an African-American family on the other side of the spectrum, struggling in the Chicago projects in the turbulent 1960s” that followed “the struggles of working-class couple James and Florida Evans.” It’s unclear whether the movie will follow the same characters, but it will be set in the 1960s, which means it could be about any number of things—music, sex, bell bottoms, getting high with your parents on holidays, insidious racism and misogyny, etc. Scott Rudin and Eli Bush will produce.
Confusing Marvel Development Of The Day: Daniel Bruhl will play Baron Zemo but not THAT Baron Zemo in Captain America: Civil War
Daniel Bruhl has officially confirmed that he will appear as villain Baron Zemo in Captain America: Civil War. Before you start getting drunk like I just asked you to, please know there’s one twist that will really confuse you if you are already drunk: Bruhl is playing original villain Baron Heinrich Zemo’s son, Baron Helmut Zemo, who “eventually became mutated after falling into a boiling vat of his father’s chemical Adhesive X.” This is because the team behind Captain America: Civil War didn’t feel the film was confusing enough yet. You see, dear reader, the point of Marvel movies is to feel so profoundly overwhelmed by the onslaught of characters beating wildly at each other on screen that you must see each installment at least six times to even scratch the surface of just what the fuck is going on. So, as you now understand, it’s important that there are two Baron Zemos.