The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
In Communist Russia, Chicken Steals You! Of The Day: Milena Markovna “Mila” Kunis is an alleged chicken thief
If you’ve ever run into Mila Kunis cackling over a plate of roast chicken at Chateau Marmont and thought, “Wow, I’m afraid for my pet chicken’s personal safety right now…also, I bet her real name isn’t Mila,” you weren’t wrong. It turns out Mila, whose real name is Milena Markovna Kunis, might be a cold-blooded, unrepentant poultry thief. A woman named Kristina Karo is suing Mila for $5,000, claiming that during the pair’s first year of school in Ukraine, Mila was responsible for the disappearance of her beloved pet chicken. (The chicken’s name was Doggie, because this was the “anything goes” USSR of the mid-1980s.) Apparently, Mila found the chicken just as irresistible as Kristina did and stole it for herself, telling Kristina, “You can have any other chicken as a pet, you have a whole chicken farm.” Having a hard time finding holes in that airtight logic. In the TWENTY-FIVE years since, Kristina has become an “emotional wreck” who’s in therapy, and it’s all Mila’s fault. After taking this all in, I’m mostly mourning for Doggie, who was definitely kidnapped by capitalist rebels and used as soup stock, and for Mila and Ashton’s daughter, Wyatt Isabelle Kutcher, who is named Wyatt.
Shade Of The Day: Joss Whedon disses Ant-Man
Ant-Man has had a long, troubled production, which Vulture helpfully chronicled last week. One of its most-publicized snafus took place in May of 2014, when Edgar Wright dropped out as director, because he couldn’t see eye-to-eye with Marvel (because he is an ant). This week, Joss Whedon spoke out about how he thought that Wright’s version was going to be totally epic but now it won’t be and there’s no point in continuing to live respectable lives, we might as well all throw in the towel and sell each other’s pets on the black market. “I thought the script was not only the best script that Marvel had ever had, but the most Marvel script I’d read,” Whedon told Buzzfeed of the screenplay for Wright’s version of the film, written by Wright and Joe Cornish. “I had no interest in Ant-Man. [Then,] I read the script and was like, ‘Of course! This is so good!’” Setting aside the fact that this is hella rude to current director Peyton Reed, this is also hella rude to all of us, who will be forced to spend our Ant-Man screenings dreaming of what could have been instead of enjoying the film with a hot cup of Doggie.
Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich Of The Day: John Malkovich has joined the cast of Deepwater Horizon
John Malkovich has joined Mark Wahlberg in Deepwater Horizon, the sequel to Deadpool wherein all of our favorite characters come back from the dead and cheerfully go to work on an oil rig together in the Gulf of Mexico. Kurt Russell, Dylan O’Brien, and Gina Rodriguez are already on board to star in the film, which tells the story of the “infamous British Petroleum oil rig that caught fire and exploded on April 20, 2010,” ultimately resulting in the largest offshore oil spill in United States history. Thanks, Ryan Reynolds. Wahlberg is playing the role he was born to play—an electrician—while Malkovich will play a “stubborn BP representative who underestimates the danger of the work being done.”
It’s Come To This Of The Day: Kevin Feige cuts his characters’ arms off for sport
Kevin Feige has revealed that all of the Phase Two marvel films—Iron Man 3, Thor: The Dark World, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Guardians Of The Galaxy, and the forthcoming Avengers: Age Of Ultron and Ant-Man (what is this world? what have we become?)—are united by a “common Star Wars reference.” “Somebody gets their arm cut off in every Phase Two movie,” he told CinemaBlend. “Every single one.” I think he means every single movie, but he may also mean every single arm; regardless, hold onto your humerus, Robert Downey Jr. Apparently this trend started by accident, but then Feige was like, wait, keep cutting off those arms! Did Kevin Feige steal Doggie?
Beauty And The Beast Casting Of The Day: Stanley Tucci as Cadenza, not a credenza
I lied yesterday when I said Disney releases Beauty And The Beast casting news every week. Now it’s every day. Every. Day. I’m so tired. Can somebody hold my dismembered arm for a sec? Today brings news that Stanley Tucci has joined the cast as a totally made-up character. He’ll be playing Cadenza, who is not a singing credenza, but is in fact a grand piano. I know, I feel betrayed by this coldly ignored opportunity for fun wordplay, too. Cadenza is described as a “neurotic maestro.” Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Newsies, wherein I will reveal that Michelle Williams (not that one, the other one) has been cast as Automobilia the lava lamp.
YA Ripoff I Mean Adaptation Of The Day: The Selection
Warner Bros. has acquired the rights to Kiera Cass’ global bestseller The Selection, the first of a five-novel YA series about how a group of capitalist rebels as headed up by Kevin Feige picked a young Milena Kunis to be their full-time chicken-kidnapper. Black List writer Katie Lovejoy (The Arsonist Love Story) will adapt the novel, which sold 3.5 million copies worldwide despite being described as “The Hunger Games without the bloodshed.” It follows “35 underprivileged girls who are chosen to compete to live in a life of luxury. The protagonist, America Singer,”—sorry I just died from being hit over the head so hard by that name, brb.