The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Well-Cast Of The Day: Olivia Munn in X-Men: Apocalypse
Olivia Munn has been cast as Betsy Braddock, a.k.a. Psylocke, in Bryan Singer‘s X-Men: Apocalypse. Betsy Braddock’s cool power is that she is a “mutant with telepathic abilities and ninja-like skills.” Olivia Munn’s cool power is that she is a “woman who doesn’t put up with bullshit.” Essentially the same thing. Munn is joining Jennifer Lawrence, Nicholas Hoult, Michael Fassbender, James McAvoy, Oscar Isaac, and some more people, but lists of names are boring to read, so let’s move on.
Too Good To Be Real Of The Day: Gugu Mbatha-Raw and Ian McKellen cast in Beauty And The Beast
Bill Condon’s live-action Beauty And The Beast is being cast by the same person that casts my dreams. (Thanks for that one last night about recording my debut hip-hop album with Frank Ocean, whoever you are.) The film’s already got Emma Watson as Belle, Audra McDonald as the Wardrobe, Emma Thompson as Mrs. Potts, and some dudes and whatnot playing other stuff. The latest actors to be objectified (h/t Genevieve Koski) by Disney: Gugu Mbatha-Raw (of Beyond The Lights fame), who will play Plumette the feather duster, and Ian McKellen (of Ian McKellen fame), who will play Cogsworth the clock. I can’t even handle this shit anymore. Can you even picture the cast barbecues? The late-night table-reads? The torrid romances that will inevitably develop (let’s say between Gugu and Dan Stevens)? Josh Gad’s future tell-all about how he tried and failed to intercept Gugu and Dan’s torrid romance?
Too Bleak To Be Real: Tatiana Maslany and Richard Dreyfuss in Cas & Dylan
Close your eyes and picture the opposite of that Beauty And The Beast news. Are you picturing it? Okay, now open your eyes and prepare them for sadness. Tatiana Maslany, who plays 4 million different people to great effect on Orphan Black and is probably going to be the most famous person in the world very soon, made a strange choice and filmed a movie called Cas & Dylan with Richard Dreyfuss. It looks, in two words, very bad. The movie follows “lonely, terminally ill and suicidal Dr. Cas Pepper, whose decision to give the 22-year-old Dylan Morgan a very short lift home changes everything. Cas accidentally hits her angry boyfriend with his car and finds himself on the lam across the country with Dylan.” Oh. Okay. Here is a clip from the movie, in which Maslany sells it as hard as she can, God bless her heart, and Dreyfuss just stares at her, unblinking, enraged that she’s putting forth any effort at all. “We agreed to phone this one in, Tatiana.”—Richard Dreyfuss’ eyes to Tatiana Maslany in this clip.
Why? Of The Day: Another Blair Witch movie
Remember how the end of The Blair Witch Project left audiences hanging, but in the best possible way (i.e., not literally hanging)? Remember how we all agreed to collectively ignore the second Blair Witch movie? Well, Bloody Disgusting has “exclusive” news that the Blair Witch Project will (probably) get another sequel. It’s possible that The Woods, a forthcoming movie from Adam Wingard that “involves a group of college students on a camping trip who discover they are not alone,” will tie in to the Blair Witch movies. It’s also possible that Cas & Dylan ties into the Blair Witch movies. It will likely be the Blair Witch origin story: Fed up with their respective circumstances, Cas and Dylan agree to swap mortal coils; inhabited by the dark spirit of the lonely and suicidal Dr. Cas, Dylan grows up to be the lonely and murderous Blair Witch.
Mixed Bag Of The Day: Tessa Thompson gets a lead role; lead role is a stripper
If you saw Dear White People or Selma, you probably remember Tessa Thompson in both as a badass activist. She’s just been cast as the female lead opposite Alexander Skarsgard and Michael Pena in John Michael McDonagh’s War On Everyone, which is a dramatic retelling of my adolescence. The film “revolves around two corrupt cops who make money blackmailing criminals—until they come up against one who might be far more dangerous than they are.” Will Thompson play one of those corrupt cops, or maybe the “far more dangerous” cop? No. Thompson will play “a former stripper who ultimately ends up in a relationship with Terry (Skarsgard).” I don’t have anything against strippers, but I do want to live in a world where women can also be corrupt cops. We’re bad at the law, too, dammit.