The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Wake Up, Bruce Willis! Of The Day: Wake has been shut down
We here at The Dissolve have been following the progress of Bruce Willis’ Wake very, very carefully. Please stop calling us heroes. Today comes news that, after two false starts, Wake is finally being put to sleep. Forever (or for a year, maybe). Willis and director John Pogue have both stepped away from the project; Deadline reports that it’s because “a certain producer would not stand down from the picture, which was contingent in negotiations with other financiers.” Really enjoy the inherent passive-aggression of that sentence. Another issue, Deadline says, was “because of schedules, there was a small window of time in which to proceed, and now that has been lost.” A roundabout way to say “they ran out of time”; again, though, I do really appreciate the artfulness and tact. To quoth the Deadline piece once more, “Oh well.”
Massive Copyright Infringement Of The Day: Story Of Your Life, starring Forest Whitaker
Forest Whitaker is in negotiations to join Amy Adams and Jeremy Renner in Paramount’s sci-fi drama Story Of Your Life, from director Denis Villeneuve. The movie is “set in motion when alien crafts land around the world and an expert linguist, to be played by Adams, is recruited by the military to determine whether they come in peace or are a threat. As she learns to communicate with the aliens, she begins experiencing vivid flashbacks that become the key to unlocking the greater mystery about the true purpose of their visit.” Story of my life!! Seriously, that’s the story of my life, is anybody going to ask me if it’s okay to turn it into a movie?
Men Doing Crime Stuff Of The Day: Jeff Bridges, Ben Foster, Chris Pine
Jeff Bridges has signed to star in David Mackenzie’s Comancheria, a movie written by “actor Tyler Sheridan, who played a cop on Sons Of Anarchy.” I want that description written on my tomb, is that okay? Comancheria follows two brothers “one an ex-con and the other a divorced father of two, facing the foreclosure of their family’s West Texas farm. They team for a bank-robbing spree that puts them on a collision course with a Texas Ranger determined to take them down.” Careful, guys! Bank-robbing can suck. Bridges will play “the law,” and Chris Pine and Ben Foster are circling the roles of the brothers. I like all of these people and everything, but am very tired of writing about movies that involve 1) male family members who 2) commit some kind of crime and 3) argue, then bond and laugh and hug while running from the police. Can we write more movies about sisters who, like, burn down their West Texas farm and become Texas Rangers?
Total Departure Of The Day, Wow: Johnny Galecki in Rings
Johnny Galecki, best known for making me upset whenever I think about The Big Bang Theory, has been cast as one of the leads in Rings, the third installment of the horror franchise about a cursed videotape that causes everybody to get engaged seven days after viewing it. Galecki will play Gabriel, “a handsome, pleasure-seeking professor who mentors and helps boyfriend and girlfriend duo, Holt (Alex Roe) and Julia (Matilda Lutz).” See, I told you! He helps them… get engaged. “Sources” tell Deadline that “Galecki’s character is a complete departure from his sensitive nerd guy Leonard on CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory.” I for one am staggered by Galecki’s range, as relayed to me by these sources. I have to sit down.
Reason 8,900 To Never Fly Again Of The Day: You could crash in the English countryside and confront terrible truths about life
Speaking of departures, Fox has acquired Departure, a sci-fi novel that was initially self-published by A.G. Riddle and became an online phenomenon before it was sold in a seven-figure deal to Harper Voyager (also the name of the spaceship I flew in to visit my alien friends; you’ll see in Story Of Your Life). The novel “starts with a plane crash in the English countryside. Soon, the survivors find they have a complex connection to the present, future and past as they are plunged into a sci-fi survival storyline.” Okay, so like Lost, but with British people in the countryside, so kind of like 28 Days Later, but without zombies. I should really start writing all official film summaries.
Deadpool Thing Of The Day: It’s rated R
I can’t tell if Deadpool news is spilling out of the Internet like blood from the pool that everybody died in, or if the news just stands out to me (because I am a famous superhero). Either way, late yesterday, Ryan Reynolds himself confirmed that Deadpool, the Marvel movie about the recurring dream we all have where the reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan makes fun of our backstroke form, will in fact be rated R. Why does this matter? Because it means more guts and irreverent dick jokes. Reynolds confirmed the news via a very weird/lame April Fool’s Day prank involving Mario Lopez’s fake death. I can’t really explain it better than that with mere words; I’d just watch.