The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Most Low-Key Casting Call Of The Day: Deadpool’s female lead
20th Century Fox is narrowing down the (hopefully not dead) pool of female leads for Deadpool, who’ll star opposite Ryan Reynolds in the spinoff based on his X-Men character. The finalists are: Homeland’s Morena Baccarin, Orange Is The New Black’s Taylor Schilling, Teen Wolf’s Crystal Reed, The Red Band Society’s Rebecca Rittenhouse, Vikings’ Sarah Greene, and Arrow’s Jessica De Gouw. As is Hollywood tradition, in order to determine who gets the part, producers will round up all of the women and ask them to reenact the scene from Titanic where Rose and Jack gleefully spin in rapid circles down in the basement of the doomed ship. Whoever throws up first loses the role.
Probably Evil Of The Day: Samuel L. Jackson in Miss Peregrine; kids in general
Tim Burton’s next movie, Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children, has a new star: Samuel L. Jackson. Deadline first reported that Jackson will play “Barron, a key role, and nobody will elaborate on whether he’s good or bad.” Except then TheWrap was all, “He’s in talks to play the evil villain.” So, bad, then. Based on the novel by Ransom Rigg, the movie centers on a teenage boy (Asa Butterfield) who stumbles upon Miss Peregrine’s (Eva Green) Home For Peculiar Children on a remote island, and discovers its diminutive inhabitants might not just be peculiar—they might be evil! Except of course they’re evil, dude. All kids are evil. They effortlessly lie about the last time they washed their hair, stay up way past their bedtime, and make you read the same books over and over again.
Still Really Vague Of The Day: Brimstone
Robert Pattinson has joined the cast of Brimstone, which we previously awarded a Newsie for vagueness. He’ll star as an “outlaw in the tale of retribution” alongside Guy Pearce, who plays “a diabolical preacher on the hunt for Mia Wasikowska.” I still have no idea what this movie’s about. Why is this preacher hunting Mia? During what time period is this taking place? Is this preacher more or less evil than children in general? How many times was Mia able to spin before she threw up?
Potential Worst Fake Tan Of The Day (and Decade): Domnhall Gleeson in Star Wars
In very unconfirmed news, Making Star Wars is positing that Domnhall Gleeson will be playing Luke Skywalker’s son in the upcoming Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Apparently, writes Jason Ward, “Gleeson’s character is playing both sides to disarm the galaxy of its super weapons, which should not be allowed to exist, according to his internal moral compass.” While reading this article and perusing its accompanying art, my biggest problem with the Star Wars franchise was thrust violently into focus: Mark Hamill’s terrible fake tan. I don’t know if it was a spray-tan gone awry (did they have those in the olden days?) or merely a case of a drunk, bronzer-happy makeup artist, but throughout the first few Star Wars movies, Luke’s neck is an entirely different color than his face. I don’t even have time to delve into the disturbing and stark contrast between the ice planet Hoth and Luke’s citrus flesh. Should Gleeson be forced to paint his skin the same supernatural hue in order to provide continuity, it will be even more unsettling, clashing angrily with his reddish mane.
Best News For American Dudes Who Want To Share Their Feelings Of The Day: Zoolander 2 will soon start filming
For several years after its 2001 release, Zoolander was the only way that men ages 18-26 were able to communicate with each other. Those who hadn’t seen it were lost, adrift in a foreign sea of referential “humor.” “What’s this—a center for ants?” was how all American males expressed penis envy. “That Hansel, he’s so hot right now,” was the only way guys could express desire. Yelling “they’re in the computer?” meant that a man didn’t understand how to do his taxes and needed professional assistance. Soon, though, the movie’s dialogue faded from the cultural lexicon. Just kidding, this is still how men talk to each other, because evolution has ended entirely. Good news for men who just want to share their feelings but don’t know how: Zoolander 2 is finally on the horizon. It’ll start filming in Rome in the spring, pick up right after the first one ended—after Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) and Hansel McDonald (Owen Wilson) leave the modeling world behind—and likely reinvigorate the English language.