The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Not Happening Unless It Is Happening Of The Day: Chris Pratt in Ghostbusters reboot
In a profile in June’s GQ, Chris Pratt lays to rest the rumors that he and Channing Tatum will star in a male-centric Ghostbusters reboot. “No one has ever even spoken to me about that,” he said. “Never. I’ve even seen Channing a couple times. As far as I know, that’s complete bullshit…Knight Rider—bullshit. All of them.” So if you were all excited about Chris Pratt busting ghosts or riding knights, please begin the process of letting go. It’s over. Unless Chris is just David Lynch-ing (oof) us? What do you want, Chris? More money? More power? More weed and Eminem?
Movie That Reminded Me Siberia Is A Real Place Of The Day: Ashes In The Snow
Bel Powley, the breakout star of Diary Of A Teenage Girl, is set to play the lead in Ashes In The Snow, based on Chris Pratt’s experiences getting high in his van, listening to Eminem, then ashing his joint in the snow outside of said van. Based on the bestseller Between Shades Of Grey by Ruta Sepetys, the Marius Markevicius film will be a World War II drama and a “coming of age tale of sixteen-year-old Lina Vilkas (Powley), who is deported to Siberia amidst Stalin’s reign of terror in the Baltic region during WWII.” Real talk: I just had to Google Siberia because I forgot where it was. Realer talk: I’m stoned in Chris Pratt’s van right now.
Dark, Offensive Comedy Of The Day: Mermaids In Paradise
Ed Helms is one of several producers behind Mermaids In Paradise, a “comedy” from Portlandia writer-director Jonathan Krisel and Graham Wagner. The film “tells the story of a couple who discover the existence of mermaids while celebrating their marriage in a tropical paradise.” It’s based on the “satirical” novel of the same name from writer Lydia Millet. Lydia, mermaids are nothing to joke about. Is it funny to you that they all have to have made-up names that start with “A”? Would you want to be named motherfucking Aquata? Or feel alienated and marginalized by basic cutlery? Or have to wear a strapless bikini top all day long, even when you sleep? Lydia!! Stop cackling like that!
Hilarious Person Cast In Probably Hilarious Movie Of The Day: Tim Meadows in the Lonely Island parody
Tim Meadows has joined the cast of the Lonely Island movie, now titled Conner4real. He’ll play Harry, the “constantly upbeat and overworked manager” to Samberg’s rapper (ostensibly named Conner), whose album bombs and “leaves him with little career choice other than to reform his old boy band.” Are you paying attention, Lydia? While mermaids are too sensitive of a topic to parody—the struggle is TOO REAL, Lydia—the music biz is ripe for satire. Take my advice: Turn your movie into a musical, then remove all of the mermaids from it, and then cast Justin Bieber as some shit and if they hate then let ‘em hate and watch the money pile up. Then donate that money to the mermaids, because you owe them that much.
Controversial #Hottake Of The Day: Simon Pegg vs. sci-fi movies
Simon Pegg, who is helping to write the next Star Trek movie, told the Radio Times that sci-fi and superhero movies are “dumbing down” the industry (though later he sort of backpedaled-ish on these comments). “It is a kind of dumbing down in a way because it’s taking our focus away from real-world issues,” he said. “Films used to be about challenging, emotional journeys or moral questions that might make you walk away and re-evaluate how you felt about … whatever. Now we’re walking out of the cinema really not thinking about anything, other than the fact that the Hulk just had a fight with a robot….But I sometimes feel like I miss grown-up things. And I honestly thought the other day that I’m gonna retire from geekdom. I’ve become the poster child for that generation, and it’s not necessarily something I particularly want to be. I’d quite like to go off and do some serious acting.” Jonathan Franzen, is that you? Your shapeshifting abilities are really improving!