The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
A bunch of trailers just dropped at once. Again, I’d kindly ask marketing departments to coordinate better as not to overwhelm us news editors, but I know my cries are falling on deaf ears. Anyway, it’s time for a…Newsies Special Sidebar!: Trailers Of The Day
The Vacation red-band trailer (out July 29):
In the Vacation reboot, a now middle-aged Rusty (Ed Helms) takes his unlikely wife (Christina Applegate) and sons (Steele Stebbins and Skyler Gisondo wow these names) back to Walley World to try to reclaim the joy of his youth. On the way, he jokes about giving his son a rim-job, makes references to glory holes, bathes with his family in a pit of raw sewage, and unwittingly causes the death of this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover star. Alright.
The Look Of Silence trailer (out July 17)
The Dissolve’s most anticipated summer release, The Look Of Silence is a companion piece to Joshua Oppenheimer’s powerful 2012 doc about the Indonesian genocide, The Act Of Killing. Silence follows Adi, an optometrist, as he confronts the aging death-squad leaders who destroyed his family. This new trailer showcases some of the difficult, disturbing conversations between Adi and these men—and the blowback he gets from his surviving family members, who encourage him to leave the past alone.
The Unexpected trailer (out July 24)
Kris Swanberg’s Unexpected stars Cobie Smulders as an inner-city teacher who gets pregnant—wait for it—unexpectedly. She’s conflicted, which is totally fair, because babies are scary as fuck. When one of her young students gets pregnant, too, the two bond over their shared ambivalence. At the end, they trade babies for funsies. (No they don’t.) (This movie looks good.)
***End Of Newsies Special Sidebar***
Southside With Who? Of The Day: Parker Sawyers cast as a young Barack Obama
Parker Sawyers has been cast as the young Barack Obama in the romance-drama Southside With You, which is, coincidentally, the city of Chicago’s proposed alternate title to Spike Lee’s Chiraq. (Do you need some ice cream for that burn, city of Chicago?) The film covers the “eventful date in 1989, when a young associate named Barack Obama was trying to woo lawyer Michelle Robinson on a summer afternoon and evening, which took them through the Art Institute of Chicago, a screening of Spike Lee’s Do The Right Thing [whoa my joke just got so meta], and their first kiss outside of an ice-cream parlor.” Spike Lee, ice cream, AND the presidency? Jesus. Leave something for the rest of us, Obamas.
So Pumped For This Of The Day: Natalie Portman set to star in Alex Garland’s Annihilation
Natalie Portman is “circling” Ex Machina director Alex Garland’s next project, Annihilation. An adaptation of the Jeff VanderMeer novel, Annihilation follows “a biologist who signs up for a dangerous, secret expedition where the laws of nature don’t apply.” Hm, that sounds so familiar! A movie about the laws of nature…being exploited…a dangerous expedition…eh, I don’t know what I’m thinking of. Anyway, the opportunity to be Portman’s co-star is apparently being “chased by everyone from Julianne Moore to Tilda Swinton,” but the studio “won’t begin considering anyone until Portman’s deal is worked out.” I’m already really excited for this movie. I love Natalie Portman, I love Alex Garland, I love secret expeditions, and I love when the laws of nature don’t apply to you! For instance, I am hovering, invisible, over Genevieve as I type this.
Co-Stars With The Same Last Name Of The Day: Rebecca Hall and Michael C. Hall, starring in Christine
Rebecca Hall and Michael C. Hall, who are not married or related (YET), will star in Antonio Campos’ indie drama Christine. No, not that Christine. Or that Christine. This Christine chronicles the “true story of the final months of a depressed news broadcaster [Christine Chubbuck] who infamously committed suicide on live television.” What! I didn’t know about this. This is so sad. Many ups and downs in Newsies today, guys. Hall (the boy) will play George, a fellow news anchor on which Hall (the girl) harbors a crush. Tracy Letts will play Christine’s boss, J. Smith-Cameron will play her mother, and Maria Dizzie will play another of her coworkers.
Spoof Of A Spoof Of The Day: Marlon Wayans to send up Fifty Shades Of Grey with Fifty Shades Of Black
Marlon Wayans plans to spoof Fifty Shades Of Grey with Fifty Shades Of Black, which comes as a surprise to most film critics, who thought Fifty Shades Of Grey was a satire. Wayans will produce, star, and write the film with producer/write Rick Alvarez, and Mark Tiddes is set to direct. Wayans’ accompanying quote is perfect: “Sex and comedy go hand-in-hand and I’m looking forward to having fun with this project. It’s amazing when a film of this caliber comes along begging to be made fun of. I’m really happy to be doing what I love with people I love to do it with. That double entendre was intentional.”
Longest Newsies Item Ever Of The Day: The cast and synopsis of Captain America: Civil War
I saved this for last because it’s absurdly long. Captain America: Civil War has revealed its full cast and synopsis, which is, tragically, not “Captain America goes to war…with himself.” Here’s who’s back: Chris Evans as Robert E. Lee, Robert Downey, Jr. as Iron Man, Scarlett Johansson as massive slut Black Widow, Sebastian Stan as the Winter Soldier, stone-cold misogynist Anthony Mackie as Falcon, Paul Bethany as The Vision, passive-aggressive misogynist Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye, Don Cheedle as War Machine, and Elizabeth Olsen as Scarlet Witch.
Stand up, move around a bit, get some water. Here’s who else is confirmed: Chadwick Boseman as Black Panther, Emily VanCamp as Agent 13, Daniel Bruhl as Baron Zemo, Frank Grillo as Crossbones, William Hurt as General Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross, and Martin Freeman as somebody. Let’s take another water break and regroup for the synopsis, which is basically the same, structurally, as every other Marvel movie:
“Captain America: Civil War picks up where Avengers: Age Of Ultron left off, as Steve Rogers leads the new team of Avengers in their continued efforts to safeguard humanity. After another international incident involving the Avengers results in collateral damage, political pressure mounts to install a system of accountability and a governing body to determine when to enlist the services of the team. The new status quo fractures the Avengers while they try to protect the world from a new and nefarious villain.”
Wait!! We’re not done. Also, Marvel has just tapped Christopher Marcus and Stephen McFeely, who wrote this movie, to write Avengers: Infinity War parts one and two. Okay, now we’re done.