The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Hamming It Up Of The Day: Jon Hamm will star in High Wire Act
There’s not a lot of meat to this Newsies item, but there is a lot of Hamm!!! Did you guys hear me? I said, “There is a lot of Hamm!!!” Jon Hamm—who, tragically, has nothing to do with Reese Witherspoon’s lifestyle portal, Draper James—has joined the cast of Tony Gilroy’s High Wire Act, a political thriller directed by Brad Anderson. Set in 1980s Beirut, the film will star Hamm as a former U.S. diplomat who’s “called back into service to save a former colleague from a group possibly responsible for his own family’s death.” I’m happy Hamm is finding work beyond Mad Men. But I’m not happy that he’s not sitting next to me, feeding me grapes and telling me fun behind-the-scenes Mad Men stories. So on the whole I’m neutral about this project.
Large Human Of The Day: Jason Momoa in Magnificent Seven, every other thing he’s in
Jason Momoa, best known for being the future Aquaman and for being so gigantic, is in talks to join the Magnificent Seven remake. He’ll join Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt, Ethan Hawke, Vincent D’Onofrio, Wagner Moura, and Haley Bennett in the update of the 1960 classic, which kicks off “when a woman (Bennett) hires a disparate group of gunslingers to protect her town from rampaging bandits.” Momoa, being huge, seems perfect to play “one of the movie’s heavies,” as his general massiveness would intimidate any bandit or sentient being in his lumbering path.
Playing Against Type Of The Day: Kevin James, who will play a semi-criminal instead of a mall cop in The True Memoirs Of An International Assassin
Kevin James, who’s been busy as of late putting a halt to all manner of mall-related chicanery, is set to star in action-comedy The True Memoirs Of An International Assassin. James will play a “mild-mannered accountant and would-be author [aren’t we all would-be authors?] who is mistaken for a killer-for-hire when his fictional novel [wait, so, he is an author now?] about an international assassin is published as a true story [what is truth, though, you know?] Trying to escape his sudden fame and celebrity, he heads to Belize, but is immediately entangled in an assassination plot.” Ah. The crime-solver becomes the crime… solvee. Glad Kevin is finally shedding his mall-cop skin. Typecasting is almost as dangerous as novel-writing.
Playing To Type Of The Day: Christoph Waltz, who will play an eccentric psycho again in The Worst Marriage In Georgetown
Christoph Waltz, who is less huge than Jason Momoa but equally as typecast as Kevin James, will play “another eccentric psycho” in The Worst Marriage In Georgetown. Based on a true story, the film will star Waltz as Albrecht Muth, an “eccentric social climber who married a wealthy older widow, Viola Drath.” Muth “lied about his upbringing and came under suspicion when Drath was found murdered.” David Auburn adapted the movie from a New York Times Magazine article by Franklin Foer, which is fucking fascinating and includes this detail: “Even Georgetown neighbors who never attended his dinners speculated about the man who carried a riding crop and smoked cigars, which he kept tucked in his breast pocket as he marched past the preppy boutiques on Wisconsin Avenue each morning. After a neighbor once mistakenly referred to the riding crop as a marching baton, Muth sniffed in an e-mail, ‘I am not Mr. Sousa.’ ” The film also marks Waltz’s directorial debut. So now he’s officially successful. Hurry, somebody marry him and kill him!
Knockout Collabo Of the Day: Steven Spielberg, Syfy, and Aldous Huxley
Steven Spielberg, Syfy, and Aldous Huxley’s reanimated corpse (is this part a joke? I’m not even sure) are collaborating on a TV adaptation of Brave New World, the novel about a dystopian society overrun with mall cops. First published in 1931, Brave New World is set in a world without poverty, war, or disease, which sounds exactly like our world now, I don’t get it. I guess the main difference is that in the novel, “mild-altering drugs, free sex, and rampant consumerism are [sic] the order of the day, and people no longer reproduce but are genetically engineered in hatcheries.” Ugh, if only, amiright?
Responsible for Leatherface Of The Day: Lili Taylor will play Leatherface’s mom
Lili Taylor has joined the Texas Chainsaw prequel Leatherface as Leatherface’s mom. More typecasting! If I had a leather face for every time Lili Taylor was cast as mother to a murderous teen psychopath, I’d have a really nice collection of leather faces. Stephen Dorff, Sam Strike, James Bloor, Sam Coleman, and Jessica Madsen are also starring in the movie, which “tells of a young nurse who is kidnapped by four violent teens who escape from a mental hospital and take her on a road trip from hell. Pursued by an equally deranged lawman out for revege, one of these teens is destined for tragedy and horrors that will destroy his mind, molding him into the monster we now call Leatherface.” Wow, thanks a lot for raising a monster, Lili Taylor. You know, this kind of shit wouldn’t go down if we just engineered our babies in hatcheries.