The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Sequel Thing Of The Day: John Wick 2
John Wick was a 2014 film starring Keanu Reeves as a man who, after his dog is killed, turns into a lavender-scented candle with a rapaciously burning wick for a head. Today brings news that its sequel, John Wick 2, is officially happening. Keanu, director Chad Stahelski, David Leitch, and screenwriter Derek Kolstad will all return… with a vengeance. (No, actually, they’ll probably return calmly.) There are no plot details to speak of yet, but Keanu has signed a contract promising to 1) punch someone in the face, 2) cry quietly without really moving his own face, and 3) dress in the candle costume again, replete with a massive wick-noggin, even though he reportedly found it “demoralizing” and “cartoonish” the first time around. It’s a metaphor, Keanu.
Worst Way To Spend Six Hours Of The Day: watching the original cut of Child 44
Child 44, the new Tom Hardy thriller about the dangers of forgetting to take your birth control for 44 years in a row, was, by all accounts, a flop. It opened last month to less than $1 million, and everybody who did see it hated it, especially children 1-43, who felt super left out. IndieWire reports that part of the problem was that its first cut was a bloated mess, coming in at nearly six hours long. Though director Daniel Epinosa managed to get the film down to a slim 137 minutes, “sources” (child 36, a particularly bitter youth) say the finished movie “still needed 10 minutes of plot clarification.” But in happier news, Lionsgate will only lose $4 to $5 million on the film, thanks to pre-sales, tax credits, and John Wick, who forced people to see the movie by chasing them into theaters, head aflame.
Ward(en) Of The Day: Sela Ward, who will play the president in Independence Day 2
Sela Ward has been cast as the president of the United States in Independence Day 2. This is confusing, because Bill Pullman was the president in the first movie and he’s coming back for the sequel, and also because she isn’t a man. “A woman in the White House?” asks Deadline, echoing the horror we all feel at this news. A good reminder that anything is possible in Hollywood, especially if you're a woman.
Bleak Swedish Thing Of The Day: Lords Of Chaos
Swedish director Jonas Akerlund will direct Lords Of Chaos, an English-language film produced by Ridley Scott’s Scott Free, RSA London, and Vice. Rory Culkin, of the Home Alone Culkins, will star alongside Caleb Landry Jones, of the X-Men: First Class Landry Joneses. The film, a “terrifying story based on real events,” follows fabulously named protagonist Euronymous, who, desperate to “escape his traditional upbringing in 1980s Oslo,” becomes “fixated on creating true Norwegian Black Metal music with his band Mayhem, and creates a phenomenon by using shocking stunts to put the band’s name on the map. But as the lines between publicity and reality start to blur, acts of arson, violence, and a vicious murder shock the nation.” Lords Of Chaos is based on the life of Justin Bieber.
Remake Thing Of The Day: It, now starring Will Poulter
Up-and-comer Will Poulter is in negotiations to play evil clown Pennywise in the upcoming remake of Stephen King’s It. Cary Fukunaga is set to direct the film, which will be hacked into two separate movies. Following the innately terrifying natural progression of aging, one will focus on the protagonists as kids, and the other will focus on them as adults. The original version followed “a group of outcast kids who come together over summer break to take on a monster that’s haunting their town, battling their own personal monsters in the process.” (Some next-level metaphors there; nearly John-Wick level, in fact.) Variety adds that Fukunaga “could not say no” to Poulter after being “blown away” by his audition, which is industry-speak for “he came at me with his big scary clown face and screamed ‘Don’t you want it? Don’t you want it? Don’t you want it?’ over and over until I finally broke down sobbing.’ ”