The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Want To Never Sleep Again? Of The Day: The trailer for The Nightmare
Room 237’s Rodney Ascher just dropped the first trailer for The Nightmare, in which he interviews subjects who suffer from sleep paralysis—being “trapped between the sleeping and waking worlds, totally unable to move but aware of their surroundings while being subject to frequently disturbing sights and sounds”—and re-creates their experiences. Oh, also, these people all see similar “shadow men” despite not knowing each other or discussing their experiences with other sufferers. “Welcome to the scariest place in the world,” intones the trailer. “Your bedroom.” Sleep tight!!
But Who’s The Carrie? Of The Day: Ellen Burstyn, Hayden Panettiere, or Viola Davis in Custody
Ellen Burstyn and Hayden Panettiere have joined Viola Davis in the courtroom drama Custody, written and directed by Into The Woods’ James Lapine. The movie will explore “the lives of three New York City women, each from different socio-economic backgrounds whose lives unexpectedly intersect at New York Family Court.” Oooh! It’s like Sex And The City, but with sad legal proceedings. Viola is totally the Miranda, because she has short hair. Who will be the Samantha? Probably Ellen. She’s so sassy.
Extremely Plausible Story Adapted Into A Movie Of The Day: The Shack
Sam Worthington will star alongside Octavia Spencer in The Shack, an adaptation of the best-selling Christian novel by William Paul Young that your parents were reading eight years ago. If you thought New York Family Court was a bleak setting for a movie, just wait! The story “follows a man whose youngest daughter is abducted during a family vacation, with evidence found in an abandoned shack leading authorities to believe she was murdered. Four years later, the man receives a note, apparently from God, inviting him back to the shack. Against his better judgment, he accepts the invitation and finds something there that will change his life forever.” What could it be, I wonder? A winning lottery ticket? A roomful of free Big Macs? Physical manifestations of the Holy Trinity that lead him to the site of his daughter’s murder? Hint: It’s one of those.
WTF Of The Day: Central Intelligence
Amy Ryan will star in Central Intelligence, an inscrutable buddy comedy starring Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson as a “mild-mannered accountant” and his “former classmate who was bullied in high school,” respectively. “The guy the accountant remembers as a loser now kills for the CIA and talks him into helping thwart a plot to sell military secrets.” Read that a few times, absorb it, and then we can try to understand the rest of this movie. Ryan will play the CIA operative who is chasing Johnson’s character. But I thought he works for the CIA? Why is she chasing him if he wants to thwart a plot to sell government secrets? I never knew a Kevin Hart/Dwayne Johnson joint could cause me this much psychic turmoil.
Scariest Job Of The Day: The Editor
Shout! Factory will distribute horror-comedy The Editor, about an evil Chicago news editor who hacks up people’s words and thoughts and then publishes them on the Internet. Directed and produced by Adam Brooks and Matthew Kennedy, The Editor premiered at the 2014 Toronto International film Festival, and stars Paz de la Huerta, Samantha Hill and Tristan Risk. It’s a “send-up of classic giallo cinema” that tells the “twisted tale of a once-prolific film editor who becomes the prime suspect in a series of murders haunting a seedy 1970s film studio.” Murder would for sure get in the way of being prolific. Not that I know.
He’s A Golden God Of The Day: Billy Crudup, star of Youth In Oregon
Billy Crudup will star opposite Frank Langella in Youth In Oregon, a horror film about how boring it is to live in Oregon as a youth. Actor-turned-director Joel David Moore is at the helm of the dark comedy, which “tells of a husband (Crudup) on a cross-country trip to Oregon with his cantankerous father-in-law (Langella) a man who has given up on life. He must convince his father-in-law not to commit euthanasia when they arrive to the state.” Okay, so Billy Crudup is the Carrie and Frank Langella is the Miranda, I think. Anyway, tell him about Central Intelligence, Billy. He won’t want to leave our planet before that movie graces it.