Fifty Shades Of Grey’s sequel, Fifty Shades Darker, isn’t coming out for two years. It has not started filming yet. It has no director, which is weird, because its predecessor’s director made the job sound so fun and cool. Its screenwriter (who just so happens to be the husband of the source books’ author, E.L. James; what a small, sexy world we inhabit) just signed on last week. So naturally, it’s time for us to start consuming its marketing materials. Buckle up your sex seatbelts; it’s going to be a long two years.
The upcoming Blu-ray release of Fifty Shades Of Grey includes a teaser trailer for the film, which is, again, slated to arrive in theaters in February of 2017. That date is over 22 months away. You could have at least two solid children, four good marriages, 16 bad marriages, or 111 consenting S&M relationships in that time period. You could—and oh, how you will—watch at least 1,787 trailers for Fifty Shades Darker in that time period. You could buy a home, turn it into a sex dungeon, seduce a virginal college student, convince her she wants to be a submissive, badger her about signing a sex contract, tell her you’re “50 shades of fucked up,” and then watch as she stomps off into the night via your in-home elevator in that time period.
I digress. Let’s remember why we’re here—to educate ourselves on what a real, fulfilling S&M relationship looks like. The Fifty Shades Darker teaser trailer is, unsurprisingly, light on substance but heavy on unearned drama. That’s because, according to Universal’s chairman Donna Langley, this version will be “more of a thriller” than its predecessor. Please remove your sex blindfolds so we might watch this together.
The trail of the tape
Title: Fifty Shades Darker
Director: Nobody knows yet, because this movie is two years away
Screenwriter: Niall Leonard, husband of E.L. James
Cast: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Rita Ora, Luke Grimes, Victor Rasuk, and nobody else yet, because this movie is two years away
Release date: February 10, 2017, though this teaser just says, unhelpfully, “coming to theaters”
The entire trailer in one line of dialogue: *single note played over and over on a piano until you want to murder someone*
The entire trailer in one screengrab:
Let’s recap what we now know about the film: Christian Grey will wear a mask and a tux at the same time. Somebody will exhale loudly. Somebody on the Fifty Shades marketing team has stolen a portion of the piano intro to Kanye West’s Runaway. I hope they asked him first.
Of course, I already know what will happen in this movie. As a very professional film writer, it is my job have a deep and abiding understanding of the Fifty Shades franchise. So on my recent vacation, during an overextended layover, I purchased and read Fifty Shades Of Grey. “This is for my job,” I told every single passerby. “It is for WORK.” It was one of the more terribly written books I’ve ever read, full of dull and repetitive sex scenes, regressive gender politics, and disturbing ideas about what constitutes a “healthy” relationship. I promptly read both sequels.