Over the past few weeks, news has trickled in almost hourly regarding the cast of Zoolander 2. First, Ben Stiller confirmed the casting of Penelope Cruz via his Instagram. Then some plebe took an unidentifiable photo of a woman who is either Kristen Wiig or Christine Taylor. Or maybe Hillary Clinton? Blonde women: All the same to me! Soon thereafter, Karl Lagerfeld spit on the metaphorical grave of the film, telling Grazia, “I don’t want to be in the movie” before laughing maniacally and slowly dragging a finger along his throat. THEN, Billy Zane confirmed he’d be back to play himself. Fred Armisen, Will Ferrell, Lewis Hamilton, Ben Stiller, and Owen Wilson are in the movie, too, if you care about that sort of thing (talented actors).
So naturally, it follows that pee-bucket enthusiast Justin Bieber would join the cast. Yes, you read that correctly. I’ll give you a minute to decide whether you want to continue residing on this Earth.
Still here? Okay. Being the consummate #millennial, Bieber confirmed the news via all of his #social #media #channels. First, he teased it on Facebook, writing, “Working on something big right now in Europe. To learn more follow me on Fahlo. He is so hot right right now.” (I just Googled Fahlo and immediately became overwhelmed, so I didn’t follow him on Fahlo.) Today, he took to his Instagram and Twitter feeds to post a photo of himself and Stiller, gazing stonily into each others’ eyes while making smooch-lips (a pose known to us oldies as “Blue Steel”). The photo boasts not one but two hashtags, one of which is #itsawignotmynewhair. If I could type “?????” forever, I would.
Put another, more verbal way, why is this would-be Real World/Road Rules Challenge reject, who is essentially just a swath of patchy facial hair incarnate, joining the cast of a movie that is otherwise composed of actual, respectable actors? Because as carefree and #onfleek as his social-media posts and neck tattoos may seem, Justin Bieber is in full-on crisis-control mode. Zoolander 2 is just one in a slew of projects designed to rehabilitate Justin Bieber’s (I can’t not refer to him by his entire name, sorry) image, as the past few years of his career have been a publicist’s waking nightmare, a dark tale of adolescent fame and fortune gone wrong, youthful largesse as it might look filtered through the lens of Guillermo del Toro.
I won’t bore you with all of the details, but feel free to scroll through the CBC’s helpful timeline of Justin Bieber ridiculousness when you get a free 14 hours. Or just allow me to share with you my two favorite Justin Bieber moments: The time he walked through a Polish airport, shirtless, in -10 degree weather; the time he called Anne Frank a “great girl” who would have “been a Belieber.” Oh, and the time he peed in a bucket while yelling “Fuck Bill Clinton.” And the time he was carried up the Great Wall Of China by his staffers. Or how about the time, just now, as I type this, that he caused an international incident in Rome? Someone take this computer away from me, I can’t stop.