The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
YA Adaptation Of The Day: R.J. Palacio’s Wonder
Paul King, responsible for killing literally millions of children who saw Paddington, then attempted to hug a bear, has signed on to direct Wonder, Lionsgate’s adaptation of R.J. Palacio’s coming-of-age novel. Wonder tells the “heartwarming and at times hysterical adventures of a 10-year-old boy who has never attended a mainstream school due to his severe facial anomalies. [I haven’t read this, though my grandma did buy it for my little sister for Hanukkah. Was a bear involved in this young boy’s facial anomalies, because then it’s perfect for Paul King.] He begins fifth grade at a new school where he will have to convince his peers to look beyond his surface to discover how he and they are more alike than outward appearances might suggest.” Kill Your Darlings (will the child-violence references never end??) writer-director John Krokidas was previously on board to direct, but left due to everyone’s favorite euphemism, “creative differences.” Seems dangerous to put Paul King—historically irresponsible with the lives of innocent youths—at the helm of something aimed at children again, but I suppose everybody deserves a second chance.
Bleak Swedish Thing Of The Day: A film adaptation of The Swimmer
Kamala Films, Thunder Road, and Film House Germany have teamed to secure the rights to The Swimmer, the debut novel by Swedish author Joakim Zander that is the source material for Deadpool, the forthcoming Marvel movie about what happens when you scuba dive on shrooms. The novel “weaves three international stories to create an action thriller that revolves around an American spy who abandoned his newborn daughter 30 years ago. He finds that she and her ex-boyfriend are in possession of dangerous information about American torture sites, with a Swedish lobbyist tracking them because the revelation would create an international scandal.” Then they all take shrooms and go scuba diving because fuck it.
Bleak French Thing Of The Day: French person Adele Haenel cast in sad French movie by French Dardennes
You may not recognize Adele Haenel, but she’s won two Cesars, which are like the Kristen Stewart of French awards ceremonies. The Dardennes, who, if you’re not familiar, are like the Olsen twins, except more French, have just cast her in their latest film, La Fille Inconnue (French for either The Unknown Girl or Girl In Canoe). Adele will play Jenny, a “young doctor who feels guilty after a young woman she refuses to see winds up dead a few days later. [Sounds like a pretty good reason to feel guilty.] She then decides to find out who the girl was, after the police can’t identify the young woman.” So let me get this straight: All French doctors turn away patients in their time of need, and all French police forces are inept? Okay, just making sure I understand France.
Scariest Concept Of The Day: Kal Penn as a “hipster celebrity photographer”
Kal Penn has booked a lead role in The Girl In The Photographs, a horror movie about how annoying it is that you can’t see somebody’s tagged Facebook photos unless you’re friends with them. Wes Craven is executive producing, and his “protege” Nick Simon is directing. The film centers on “Colleen, a bored small-town girl trying to distance herself from an abusive boyfriend. Then two serial killers begin leaving her photo at the scene of their brutal crimes.” “Bored” is definitely the emotion I’d feel if somebody were doing that to me, too. Penn plays Peter Hemmings, a “hipster celebrity photographer who has traveled back to his South Dakota hometown with a pack of models, intent on copying the killers’ intense and unapologetic artistry and use it for an important ad campaign.” You had me in full-body chills at “hipster celebrity photographer,” Craven.
Person Going Undercover As An Actor Of The Day: Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, who will star in Shot Caller
Game Of Thrones’ resident incestuous-knight-without-a-hand Nikolaj Coster-Waldau is set to star in Ric Roman Waugh’s Shot Caller, in which he will stare unblinking into the camera as that Lil Troy song plays over and over again for 120 minutes. Coster-Waldau, who, as Variety helpfully notes, is Danish, will play the unnamed lead character, who “follows a gangster who is recently released from prison and forced to orchestrate a major crime on the streets of South Carolina.” Apparently, director Waugh went “undercover as a volunteer parole agent in California to research prison gangs for the script.” Does it count as “going undercover” if you’re just volunteering to do a real, relatively safe thing that isn’t illegal and actually helps people? Am I going undercover as a volunteer babysitter when I watch my little sister for free? Anyway, just something to chew on over the weekend.
Person Who Went Undercover, For Real, Of The Day: “White Boy Rick” Wershe
Darren Aronofsky and Scott Franklin are set to produce a movie about “White Boy Rick” Wershe, a “former drug kingpin from Detroit who’s agreed to help the filmmakers tell his incredible story.” Wershe was “just a teenager when he began trafficking cocaine throughout the Motor City”; in a strange Newsies twist, Wershe was “also working as an undercover informant for the FBI and DEA, though his cooperation didn’t prevent him from eventually being sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole.” Not the chillest move, FBI and DEA. I thought you guys were cool? Also, just to clarify (I’m looking at you, Waugh), this is actually “going undercover.” This and Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed. That’s it. Those are the only two people whose undercover experiences are legitimate.