The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
White Dudes Doing Things Of The Day: Christian Bale, Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt will star in The Big Short
Christian Bale, Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt are all set to star in The Big Short, a movie about the end of the stick that Melissa Leo and Marisa Tomei got in Deadline’s casting announcement about this movie. Here is the announcement, for your viewing pleasure: “Christian Bale, Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt [will] star in the Adam McKay-directed adaptation of Michael Lewis’ book The Big Short: Inside the Doomsday Machine. Melissa Leo and Marisa Tomei also star.” Oh, just that Oscar-winning Marisa Tomei and that Oscar-winning Melissa Leo. But let’s talk more about the aforementioned men, who have also accomplished quite a lot. Christian Bale is a preternaturally talented wizard responsible for taking down the Dark Lord while still a bespectacled teen. Steve Carell raised seven children on his own after the death of his wife and was the only man in his Austrian neighborhood who stood up against the Nazis. Despite growing up with a crooked spine, Brad Pitt went on to fight in the Vietnam War and open a wildly successful shrimping business. Ryan Gosling held a dog in his arms the whole way up an escalator.
Beauty And The Beast Casting Of The Week Of The Day: Ewan McGregor as Lumiere
Every week for what seems like 400 weeks now, Disney has announced a cast member for its upcoming live-action Beauty And The Beast. Today brings news that yet another high-profile, vaunted actor is taking on the role of an inanimate object previously played by a cartoon: Ewan McGregor is set to star as Lumiere. Lumiere, THR helpfully reminds us, is “one of the movie’s major supporting roles, a suave maitre d’ who is turned into a candelabra by the curse that falls on the prince’s castle. The character appears in a number of musical numbers and has a major solo in the ‘Be Our Guest’ showstopper.” I was personally hoping for somebody a little more French and tall and stretched out with candles for arms and a head made entirely of wax, but Ewan will do.
Scariest Shit Of The Day: The Forest, now starring Taylor Kinney
Taylor Kinney, a very attractive person on TV’s Chicago Fire and also Lady Gaga’s real-life fiance, will spend his hiatus from the aforementioned series starring in The Forest. The Jason Zada-directed thriller is based on an original idea by David Goyer, and “incorporates the mythology of Japan’s Aokigahara Forest,” the world’s second-most popular place to commit suicide. (The first is the Oscars! Because they’re boring? Okay, sorry.) In the film, Natalie Dormer plays “an American woman who ventures into the legendary forest in search of her missing twin sister. Despite being urged to stay on the path she enters the forest and is tormented by the souls of the dead who prey on anyone who wanders in the forest.” Will add this to my list of “excuses not to go camping with people in Japan.”
Highly Original Storytelling Of The Day: James McDonagh’s War On Everyone
Theo James, yet another very attractive person with big, proud teeth, is best known for starring in the Divergent series and dying dramatically in Lady Mary’s bed as the fantastically named Mr. Pamuk on Downton Abbey. He will once and for all transcend his on-screen sex-death with War On Everyone, a faithful retelling of Miley Cyrus’ teenage years as narrated by Billy Ray Cyrus. War On Everyone is John Michael McDonagh’s third film, and stars Michael Pena and Alexander Skarsgard as, sigh, two corrupt New Mexico cops who attempt to blackmail criminals only to find themselves dealing with an individual more dangerous than… you know how this goes.
Risky Move Of The Day: Real-life couple Tatiana Maslany and Tom Cullen to mix business with pleasure
Orphan Black’s Tatiana Maslany and Tom Cullen—who is not on Orphan Black—will co-star in The Other Half, writer-director Joey Klein’s debut feature. Maslany will play Emily, a “bipolar woman who falls in love with Nickie (Cullen), a grief-stricken man with whom she struggles to forge a simple life.” Cullen and Maslany are apparently a couple in real life… FOR NOW. Film sets are notorious for bringing new couples together (Angelina and Brad on Mr. And Mrs. Smith) and/or tearing them apart (me and Josh Hartnett on Batman Begins) and/or encouraging one half of the couple to quit the entertainment biz for good and light a few things on fire (me, mid- Batman Begins). Though, should Maslany and Cullen break up, there are plenty of other fish in the on-set sea; the ensemble includes Suzanne Clement (Mommy) as Emily’s stepmother, Deragh Campbell (I Used to be Darker) as her friend, and Mark Rendall as Nickie’s friend.
Why? Of The Day: Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials to screen in terrifying “Barco Escape” format
Fox will release Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials in a #hip new format called Barco Escape because that’s just what it’s called okay? Basically, it’s a “multi-screen immersive movie format” that makes you feel like you, too, are running for your life while wielding heavy, hot torches (according to the accompanying photo). Apparently The Maze Runner was the first film to use this format, featuring 10 minutes of Barco Escape footage at five theaters in the U.S. and two in Belgium. This is a classic case of too fucking much. Why must we do this? Just because we can? That’s not a good enough reason, Barco Escape. What’s next, “Oh, just take off all of your clothes and put on this Liam Neeson mask and we’ll hurl you at a pack of wolves while The Grey streams from four separate screens mounted in the sky”? Fine, but that’s where we draw the line.