The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Battle Of The Battle Of The Sexes Of The Day: Emma Stone and Steve Carell set to star in third Battle Of The Sexes movie
Emma Stone and Steve Carell are set to play tennis stars Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs in Battle Of The Sexes. Directed by Little Miss Sunshine’s Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris, the film will tell the story of the “epic tennis match between King and Riggs.” I know very little about this match, because sports, but Wikipedia helpfully shares with me that “King entered the Astrodome in Cleopatra style, carried aloft in a chair held by four bare-chested muscle men dressed in the style of ancient slaves.” Then “Riggs followed in a rickshaw drawn by a bevy of scantily clad models” before “Riggs presented King with a giant lollipop and she gave him a piglet.” I am speechless and near tears. Apparently, this is the third project Hollywood is developing about King and Riggs: Elizabeth Banks and Paul Giamatti are playing the pair in an HBO original movie, and Will Ferrell is set to play Riggs in Match Maker. So basically Battle Of The Sexes is engaged in its own battle for box-office domination. Who will win? Who will receive a piglet as a gift? TBD.
Zoolander 2 Update Of The Day: Your friend Billy Zane will return
In more Zoolander 2 news, it’s been confirmed via Ben Stiller’s omniscient Instagram account that cool dude Billy Zane will return for the sequel. In the original movie, Zane played himself, a pair of eyebrows with a disdain for conflict; he attempted to discourage Derek from starting shit with Hansel, then, when he was rebuffed, took the last lifeboat, dooming Zoolander to a watery grave.
Billboards For Ants Of The Day: Tiny Ant-Man billboards in Australia
Speaking of Zoolander’s endless cultural reverb, somebody (probably an ant) is placing Ant-Man billboards (for ants?!) around Australia. Redditors, our nation’s most reliable and sexy detectives, have spotted the small billboards in various public places. The billboards are apparently replete with LED lights, just like most ant-targeted marketing materials worth their salt. More importantly, they’re very tiny and adorable. I can hardly stand it; my heart is swelling like it does whenever I encounter miniature replicas of food or accessories. I’m thinking of stealing one oh wait. ScreenCrush helpfully notes that “if you’re thinking about stealing one, people who’ve spotted them have said that it’s attached pretty firmly to whatever it's been placed on, likely with some kind of epoxy adhesive.”
Magic Mike Thing Of The Day: Check out some male-stripper abs and the male strippers they belong to
The Magic Mike franchise has cornered the market on male-stripper movies that you would see at the mall in the middle of the day with your mom after an impromptu but fruitful trip to H2O. This is no small feat. Part of Magic Mike’s universal appeal is its ability to poke fun at itself; the other part is hot dudes’ abs and butts! Both elements are at play in Magic Mike XXL’s latest social-media campaign, an intense yet playful repartee with the film’s eternally salivating audience: First, the movie’s Twitter account reveals a pair of abs. Then, a few hours later, the account reveals the male who sports those abs. Everybody responds with raw sexual frenzy. It’s like a weird, slow, pointless version of Pavlov’s experiment. But it’s beautiful. If only everything in life were this simple and unabashed about its sexuality. I don’t really know what I’m talking about anymore; it’s time to wrap up.
Bringing The Realness Of The Day: Andy Samberg and Kelsey Grammer to star in “fable about storks”
Andy Samberg and Kelsey Grammer will lend their silky pipes to Storks, an animated feature for the kids directed by Nicholas Stoller and Doug Sweetland. “No plot lines were delivered,” writes THR (good one, THR), “but the studio promises a ‘fresh and funny look at the fable behind storks.’” What fable behind storks? The fable about how teen storks often have unprotected stork sex, resulting in Stork Transmitted Diseases and unplanned stork pregnancies, thanks in part to a right-wing stork government that’s fixated on abstinence-only education and a nation of terrified and sexually repressed stork parents who can’t look their stork children in the eye and explain the basic mechanics of stork sexuality?