The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Fine, Zoolander 2 Of The Day: Penelope Cruz has joined the cast of Zoolander 2
Penelope Cruz has joined the cast of Zoolander 2, which is certainly a thing that’s happening for real and that we can’t stop, okay, I get it. Ben Stiller confirmed the news today via social media, alongside a photo of “Little Penny Cruz” as a young child with green bows embedded in her lush mane. He didn’t announce who she’ll be playing, but it doesn’t matter. Nor do the cute green bows matter. All that matters is that the cast for this thing just keeps getting bigger and better and I can no longer deny its existence. A big part of my continued sanity was hinging on the idea that I was not going to have to listen to fratbros quoting Zoolander 2 for the rest of my life. Thanks for ruining my entire life, Penelope Cruz.
I Don’t Understand The Movie Business Of The Day: Michelle MacLaren was fired for enjoying Braveheart, being bad at tests
More news today in the ongoing saga that I like to call “Superhero films vs. Women In General.” Variety claims to have the story behind Michelle MacLaren’s exit from Wonder Woman, explaining that “according to multiple sources close to the project, the director’s vision for the movie was vastly different from the studio’s view. MacLaren envisioned the DC Comics-based Wonder Woman movie as an epic origin tale in the vein of Braveheart, whereas Warner wanted a more character-driven story that was less heavy on action.” Which is weird, because usually men love watching Mel Gibsons slaughtering people, and women love character-driven stories and being stereotyped. The story also notes that the studio didn’t like MacLaren’s “test” story concept, which, what the fuck? Why did they even hire her in the first place, if they were just going to fire her eventually for being such a bloodthirsty, vengeful caveperson?
No Shit Of The Day: Josh Hartnett is sorry he turned down the role of Batman
That unearthly wail that awoke you from your peaceful slumber this morning was me, after learning that Josh Hartnett now openly “regrets” turning down the role of Batman in The Dark Knight. I think I knew, deep in the recesses of my mind, that Josh had turned down this role many years ago; I’m certain I blocked it out because it was too painful to consider what might have been. (I also have the memory of a stoned goldfish). Either way, now I am bereft. “I’ve definitely said no to some of the wrong people,” Hartnett told Playboy. “I learned my lesson when Christopher Nolan and I talked about Batman. I decided it wasn’t for me. Then he didn’t want to put me in The Prestige. They not only hired their Batman for it, they also hired my girlfriend (Scarlett Johansson) at the time.” Okay, but why do we have to talk about your girlfriends right now, Josh? I thought this was about us. “I was so focused on not being pigeonholed and so scared of being considered only one thing as an actor,” Josh added. “Watching Christian Bale go on to do so many other things has been just awesome. I mean, he’s been able to overcome that. Why couldn’t I see that at the time?” Josh, you stupid, stupid, beautiful man. Run away with me.
Insatiable Wizard Killer Of The Day: Alan Rickman, who will star in gothic murder mystery The Limehouse Golem
Alan Rickman, best known for being a relentless and cold-blooded killer of wizards, is set to star in The Limehouse Golem alongside Olivia Cooke and Douglas Booth. Written by Kingsman: The Secret Service scribe Jane Goldman, The Limehouse Golem is billed as “a gothic murder mystery in the style of Se7en and vein [probably literally] of The Woman In Black.” Set in London in 1880 “in the dangerous Limehouse district,” the movie follows “a series of murders that have shaken the community. So monstrous and ruthless are these crimes the press claim they’re the work of the Golem — a legendary creature from dark times…[ominous ellipses Variety’s].” No. Golems aren’t real, fake 1880 London press. You know what is real? Wizards, and Alan Rickman, killer of wizards. Alan Rickman is committing all these murders, as I mentioned earlier that he is known for being a flagrant murderer. You’re welcome.
We Can’t Let It Go Of The Day: The Frozen copyright-infringement lawsuit
Last March, Kelly Wilson filed a suit against Disney, claiming the teaser trailer for Frozen had many similarities to her short, 2-D film The Snowman, a kids’ movie about a man made entirely of cocaine. Disney tried to get the suit dismissed in July, but federal judge Vince Chharbria said “the sequence of events in both works, from start to finish, is too parallel to conclude that no reasonable juror could find the works substantially similar.” Aw shiiiit. This week, Chharbria shot down Disney’s newest argument, which “included a forensic analysis of YouTube records of The Snowman and Frozen,” noting that several Pixar employees involved with Frozen attended the 2011 San Francisco International Film Fest, where Snowman screened four times. Well, this is awkward. Time to pack it in, Disney. No more live-action Mulan. No more live-action Pinocchio. No more live-action Beauty And The Beast. No more live-action Winnie The Pooh. No more live action. No more lives. K, I don’t really know where else to go from here.