The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Halt Your Life Of The Day: Spend 30 hours watching the live-streamed Star Wars Celebration
Cancel all of your plans (to watch all the Star Wars movies on VOD) for the rest of the week and weekend. Screenrant reports that tomorrow’s 2015 Star Wars Celebration will bring with it a new trailer, a new poster, and a new reason to live: The bash will be broadcast on Starwars.com. The site will feature a “30-plus”-hour live-stream of the celebration, including panels with J.J. Abrams, interviews with Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher, and probably a lot of people crying because 30-plus hours is too long of a party by approximately 27 hours. What I am saying is go to sleep now, because the party starts at 10 a.m. PST tomorrow and runs through “the conclusion of the closing ceremonies during the afternoon of April 19.” That’s a lot longer than 30-plus hours, but what is time, etc. Screenrant implies that the new The Force Awakens trailer will also be debuted during the live-stream, but the Star Wars press release doesn’t say this. This entire thing is already a giant mindfuck and it hasn’t even begun. Either way, we’ll have the trailer up as soon as it debuts.
Which Self-Aware Hero Is Chris Pratt Playing Today? Of The Day: Bill McCoy in The Real McCoy
Universal has purchased the Chris Pratt pitch The Real McCoy, a “hotly contested project” that found the studio in a “battle” with Warner Bros. War imagery is fun! The pitch, written by The Judge’s Bill Dubuque, centers on “bootlegger Bill McCoy, whose life inspired the phrase ‘the real McCoy,’ meaning the liquor hadn’t been cut.” It’s also a great idiom to casually drop in conversation if you want people to think you are an old-timey ghost.
Comic Book Thing Of The Day: Matthew Vaughn might direct Flash Gordon
Kingsman: The Secret Service’s Matthew Vaughn is in talks to direct Flash Gordon, a forthcoming Fox movie based on the classic comic character who runs naked in front of Gordon Ramsay’s big picture window every morning. Gordon is “an adventurer created in 1934 by Alex Raymond” who “ends up on the planet Mongo fighting its tyrannical ruler, Ming The Merciless.” The character is also famous for “shaping the mind of a young George Lucas,” which means that Alex Raymond is essentially responsible for how confused I am by that first news item. Thanks, Alex Raymond.
Remake Thing Of The Day: Jason Sudeikis in Fletch
Relativity is in talks with Jason Sudeikis to star in a reboot of Fletch, based on the Gregory McDonald novels that “center on a reporter named I.M. Fletcher who juggles writing exposes while avoiding headaches caused by his two ex-wives.” Women! Always causing drama and getting in the way of writing exposes. I can’t even (legally) get into all of the times in my reporting career that I’ve been mid-expose, and some woman gave me a headache and I had to stop writing and contribute to a total miscarriage of justice.
Who Pissed Off Rahm Emanuel Today? Of The Day: Spike Lee
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel met with Spike Lee today to talk about how thrilled he is that Lee is finally bringing national attention to Chicago’s rampant gang violence with the forthcoming Chiraq. I’m kidding of course. Rahm told Spike he was “displeased” with the director’s decision to call the movie Chiraq. “We had an honest, frank conversation,” Emanuel said of the probably really passive-aggressive conversation, which took place on Rahm’s turf (City Hall) so that Spike might remember just who he was fucking with. “He said that while the movie is about the neighborhood of Englewood, I was clear that I was not happy about the title. I told him also that there are very good people that live in Englewood who are raising their family and there's a lot of positive things that are happening in Englewood mainly driven by the people that make up Englewood.” The latter is a fair point, but somehow I don’t think Chiraq: A story of a neighborhood in which some people engage in gang violence and others engage in positive things has the same call-to-action vibe.
Somebody Get Gerard Butler On The Phone Of The Day: Is Happy People Read And Drink Coffee the same as P.S. I Love You?
The Weinstein Company has purchased the rights to Happy People Read And Drink Coffee, the debut novel from French writer Agnes Martin-Lugand. Originally self-published, the book has become a hit in France, like berets, cheese, and putting a beret on a piece of cheese and propping it up and pretending it’s a person so you don’t feel lonely. Happy People is about “Diane, who is still mired in grief after losing her husband and daughter in a car accident. Searching for a way to remain close to her husband, she takes a trip to Ireland, which he had always wanted to visit, and discovers a possible new love affair.” I’m not a French scientist, and I stopped writing exposes about French people after all of those women gave me headaches, but isn't this literally the exact same plot (plus a daughter and minus one native Irishman) of P.S., I Love You?