The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Unexpected Profundity Of The Day: Dennis Quaid’s enraged screed
Video surfaced today of Dennis Quaid berating an unspecified person on an unspecified movie set. It is, in a word, intense. It is, in more words, probably fake, a promotional stunt for something (his new TV show?), but let’s proceed as if it were real, because what is Dennis Quaid’s recent filmography but a very long suspension of our disbelief? “I’m acting here, and this dickhead wanders onto my set,” he screams, blind with rage. “I can’t even get a line out until Dopey the Dick starts whispering in your ear, and you’re not even watching anymore.” Dopey the Dick! Why didn’t I think of that? He goes on to describe the inherent offensiveness of the people surrounding him, which include the undead, a few cats, and an actual baby. “This is the most unprofessional set I’ve ever been on…I have these fucking zombies over here I have to look at, I have a bunch of pussies staring at me, and this fucking baby.” His concluding line is a particularly poetic and trenchant commentary on the film industry’s dark sexual politics: “Blow me.”
Nerdy Lovestruck Florist Of The Day: Jake Gyllenhaal, who will star in a Little Shop Of Horrors concert thing
Jake Gyllenhaal will play the “nerdy, lovestruck florist” Seymour in a three-performance concert revival of Little Shop Of Horrors this summer in New York. Based on the Howard Ashman and Alan Menken musical inspired by a Roger Corman-directed black comedy that was later made into a much-liked film by Frank Oz (that’s also an upcoming Movie Of The Week), the concert series will also star Chuck Cooper as the “increasingly insatiable plant” and Taran Killam as the “psycho-dentist boyfriend” of previously announced star Ellen Greene, who played Audrey in the 1986 film. If you’re having trouble picturing Gyllenhaal as a simpering nerd, or Chuck Cooper as a plant, or a dentist as a psycho, I suggest you go to the dentist. (Seriously, go to the dentist every six months, at the very least.)
Movies I’d Like To Punch Of The Day: Mothers I’d Like To…
Universal Pictures has bought called Mothers I’d Like To…, a comedy pitch that will be developed as a “star vehicle for Jennifer Lopez.” The studio is “keeping mum [nice] on a logline,” but Deadline reports that its plot is somewhere along the lines of “Bridesmaids meets First Wives Club.” That imaginary film that we’ll never see sounds incredible, but I cannot rightly believe that a movie called Mothers I’d Like To… won’t be, at the very least, borderline offensive to all women everywhere in the entire world, even those who are not yet born. Unless of course the movie is called Mothers I’d Like To…Congratulate For Their Contributions To Neuroscience or Mothers I’d Like To…Warn About The Imminent Apocalypse, or Mothers I’d Like To…Commend For Continuing To Exist In A World Where Movies Exist Called Mothers I’d Like To….
Thank God Of The Day: A movie about women that’s probably not shitty
Now for a palate cleanser! IFC has acquired the North American rights to Queen Of Earth, the sequel to Mothers I’d Like To… that takes place after the aforementioned apocalypse, when all of the mothers people would have “liked to” decide to rise up and take over the world. Written by Listen Up Philip’s Alex Ross Perry and produced by Joe Swanberg, the movie stars Elisabeth Moss, Katherine Waterston, Patrick Fugit, and Kate Lyn Sheil, and follows “two best friends who retreat to a lakeside cabin only to find out that they have actually drifted apart, and their discovery evokes hostility and bitterness.” Nobody say anything about Elisabeth Moss being a Scientologist; I’m having a good Newsie.
Fine. Of The Day: Joe Dirt 2 has a new trailer
Remember Joe Dirt, the 2001 “adventure comedy” wherein David Spade donned a plaid shirt and cut off his sleeves and changed the cinematic landscape forever? Well, Joe’s not done with us yet. Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser is on the horizon, and the first trailer dropped today. In the sequel, Joe is a “happy family man” who finds himself transported to the recent past, and has to figure out how to get back to the present. None of that is made remotely apparent in this trailer, which includes approximately one joke, relating to the pronunciation of the word “dirt.” Please proceed at your own leisure.
Movie About Fathers Of The Day: Every movie, including Guardians Of The Galaxy 2
Speaking of Fathers I’d Like To…[Become Acquainted With In Guardians Of The Galaxy 2], James Gunn told Vulture that Guardians Of The Galaxy 2 will be “a story about fathers.” Isn’t everything? I mean, at its heart? Does this mean Star Lord will finally meet his deadbeat dad? Do you really think James Gunn is going to tell us that? He did share, though, “I knew for a long time what the story of the second one was going to be…and the third one.” Must be nice, James Gunn. I don’t even know what my next sentence is going to be. Well now I know, but you get it.