The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Who Is This Of The Day: Kristen Wiig or Christine Taylor
A photo from the Rome set of Zoolander 2 is circulating, and some people think it’s Kristen Wiig, and some people think it’s Christine Taylor. It’s truthfully kind of hard to tell, as whoever it is has had her lips plumped, her face…something-ed, and her hair turned into an upside-down triangle. I think it’s Christine Taylor, and I am right about everything. What do you think? (Remember what I just said, though.)
I’ll Pass But Thanks Of The Day: Tangled The Musical on a cruise ship
Tangled, the Disney movie about the complex web of Harvey Weinstein’s legal fees, is getting the stage-musical treatment. Wait, stop hugging each other and screaming. To see it, you have to go on a Disney cruise aboard the Disney Magic, sometime after November. Is it worth it? You tell me. As Disney’s Parks Blog puts it, “Tangled: The Musical will immerse you in Rapunzel’s fairytale world through lavish production numbers and spellbinding music. The show will stay true to the storyline from the hit feature film—with a few special twists to create a live staged production—featuring favorite characters like Rapunzel, Flynn Rider, the villainous Mother Gothel and Maximus the police horse.” The “special twist” is that you are on a massive, themed ship, surrounded by strangers and their children, unable to escape or even cry out for mercy, because you keep opening your mouth but no sound comes out, oh God what’s happening, why is everybody looking at you and laughing maniacally, as you watch this musical.
Existential Rabbit-Hole Of The Day: Dan Ariely’s documentary on lying
The research of Dan Ariely, a behavioral economist and best-selling author, is the subject of a forthcoming documentary called (Dis)Honesty—The Truth About Lies. The premise? As NY Mag puts it, “Humans are big, fat liars.” First of all, no, you are. Secondly, the film’s new trailer features people talking about the lies they told and how the fibs ruined their lives. One guy even says, straight-faced, “I mean, it destroyed my life, to be honest with you.” Oh, NOW you’re being honest, guy. How do we know these people aren’t lying about the lies they told? How do we know they aren’t lying about whether their lies ruined their lives? How do we know they even have lives? How can we trust Dan, after he went and bought tickets to the Tangled musical? What if his name’s not even Dan? What if there’s not even a documentary? What if there is no spoon?
Why, James Gunn? Of The Day: James Gunn is interviewed on Periscope about Guardians 2
James Gunn used some fancy app that the kids are calling “Periscope” (Variety describes it as “could be described as Twitter meets Snapchat, only with video”; I howl into the abyss) to answer fans questions about Guardians Of The Galaxy 2. Gunn was vague about mostly everything—because America’s future as a dystopian, digital nightmarescape where everybody lies to each other over Periscope was probably distracting him—but he “touched on how the tone would be different” (probably meaning it will be a combo of Facebook meets HBO Go but with more FarmVille); how “the script was quite far along”; and that “Karen Gillan’s character, Nebula, would return.” He also called actual bullshit on the rumor that Chris Pratt will be playing Indiana Jones.
Also, Variety had not one, but two stories about Periscope today, which is suspicious and I will get to the bottom of it tonight during the boring parts of Passover. This message was brought to you by Periscope and its corporate sponsor, Soylent.
More Guardians, Except Sexier Of The Day: There is a porn parody of Guardians Of The Galaxy
Uproxx, who are true American heroes, have uncovered WoodRocket’s most recent porn parody, titled Gnardians Of The Galaxy. Here is a brief but powerful summary of the movie: “When Star Load, Gamwhora, Crax, Rocket Raccooch, and Groin find themselves in a tight spot, this horny group of rag-tag superheroes team up to protect the universe from evil-doer, Bonin, and her lust for the power of the Infinity Bone.” Obviously this porn parody is not safe for work, unless you are a porn star who works in an office full of other porn stars or work at the moral vacuum that is Periscope. (P.S. I have yet to Google Periscope or even attempt to understand it in any real way, so.)
Cumberbatch Thing Of The Day: A life-sized Benedict Cumberbatch sculpture made of chocolate
Just in time for Easter, and totally ignoring Passover, a serious matter that I will bring up at my seder during conversational lulls, a London shopping center has unveiled a 6-foot chocolate sculpture of Benedict Cumberbatch. As the Daily Mail puts it, “shoppers reactions to the creations were decidedly unenthusiastic.” One shopper “stood stony-faced in front of the creation for several moments,” while another “burst into laughter as soon as they spotted it.” Sorry, but what is the appropriate response to a chocolate Cumberbatch? Are we supposed to tear it limb from limb, like (chocolate) animals? Should we tentatively hold its hand until its hand melts completely? Should we bring our own chainsaw, find a level stance, and hack away at its midsection so that we might discover if it is filled with more chocolate? Please advise.