The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news
Smallest Car Operator Of The Day: Ansel Elgort
Our Erbiest Erb Kate Erbland reported back in January that Lord Of The Rings character-come-to-life Ansel Elgort was in “early talks” to star in Edgar Wright’s Baby Driver, a period drama about Minnie Driver’s conception. Now, Variety is reporting that Elgort is confirmed as the star; he’ll play “a talented, young getaway driver who relies on the beat of his personal soundtrack [is this literal or figurative? More importantly, is he listening to Tidal or Spotify?] to be the best in the game,” who’s “coerced into working for a crime boss” and “must face the music when a doomed heist threatens his life, love and freedom.” Somewhere in there he and his lover conceive Minnie, and find a brief interlude of joy before he has that whole doomed heist.
Woman In A Movie Or Whatever Of The Day: Anna Kendrick In Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates
Anna Kendrick has joined the cast of Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates, opposite Zac Efron and Adam Devine as the titular characters. Written by Andrew J. Cohen and Brendan O’Brien, Mike And Dave is the “story of two brothers who place an online ad to find dates for a wedding and the ad goes viral.” The end! Just kidding, everybody knows that after you go viral you become rich and famous and you never have to buy your own Chipotle ever again. Following in a rich and sassy tradition that I’ve picked up on recently, The Hollywood Reporter doesn’t say who Kendrick is playing, just that she’s here and ready to party with Zac Efron. But it doesn’t matter because boobs.
America! Of The Day: Michel Hazanavicius thinks America is great
Oscar-winning French director Michel Hazanavicius, who recently directed Chechen war drama The Search and also directed The Artist and also some other stuff, is returning to comedy for his next feature, Will. Will’s screenplay was written by comedian Demetri Martin, and Hazanavicius describes it as follows: “I liked the script—there is no cynicism or irony, it is a very positive comedy. There is nothing mean in it. It is a completely American comedy; it can be very good and very funny.” I really enjoy that, to Hazanavicius, “American” means “no cynicism or irony” and “nothing mean.” I feel very proud to know that everybody in the entire world agrees with him, too. It cannot be emphasized enough that we are a country of smiley, earnest, and positive people who love to laugh loudly with our hands squarely on our hips.
Well I’m Just Thrilled Of The Day: Linda Cardellini and Julie Delpy will be in Avengers: Age Of Ultron
/Film did some solid American detective work (thorough; lighthearted) after they noticed Julie Delpy and Linda Cardellini’s names on the list of cast members attending the Avengers: Age Of Ultron premiere. Disney confirmed that this was “not a misprint,” but didn’t offer any other comment (shit’s cold, Disney). The way I feel about Linda Cardellini can’t be summed up in a mere Newsie; suffice to say that I have bought at least four green army jackets and none of them look enough like Lindsay’s from Freaks And Geeks and I will never be satisfied. Julie Delpy is also fucking amazing and so French and so lovely. /Film wonders whether one of the women will play Captain Marvel, but probably not, because this would be a weird way to announce it. Either way, this casting news is almost as random as Charlotte Gainsbourg being in Independence Day 2, but feels less haunting and worldview-shifting.
What Happens After Deceit? Of The Day: Find out in Beyond Deceit
Lionsgate has acquired North American rights (i.e., very jolly and non-cynical rights) to Beyond Deceit, the legal thriller that marks the directorial debut of screenwriter Shintaro Shimosawa. The film follows “an ambitious young lawyer (Josh Duhamel) who takes on a big case against a ruthless executive of a pharmaceutical company (Anthony Hopkins), only to find himself drawn into a murder case in which he is the prime suspect.” Hate when that happens. It’s like, I was just trying to help, guys. Stop making it weird. Al Pacino is also set to star as somebody, as are Malin Akerman, Alice Eve, Julia Stiles and Byung-hun Lee.
Breathtaking News Of The Day: Dwayne Johnson in Moana
Dwayne Johnson has signed on to voice the male lead in Disney’s animated musical Moana. Moana, animated by The Little Mermaid’s Ron Clements and John Musker (Okay, I’m in, fine), is “set in the ancient South Pacific world of Oceania,” where “Moana, a born navigator, searches for a fabled island” and “teams with her hero, Maui, [Johnson], as they traverse the open ocean on an action-packed voyage, encountering enormous sea creatures, breathtaking underworlds and ancient folklore.” “Breathtaking underworlds” seems like a really long typo (like, are “underworlds” ever not hell? Maybe they mean it literally?), but I guess we’ll have to wait and see. Fun fact: Johnson only agreed to star in the movie after the studio gave him a two-hour presentation about it, something I’m sure all of the mid-level execs at Disney totally had time for and were excited about.
Hardcore News Of The Day: Matthew Rhys in Jungle Book: Origins
The Americans’ Matthew Rhys is in talks to star in Andy Serkis’ Jungle Book: Origins, a “grittier” (read: un-American) adaptation of the classic Rudyard Kipling novel about an orphaned boy raised in the wild by animals. Rhys is going to play “the human character of John Lockwood.” This Jungle Book is not to be confused with the Disney Jungle Book project from Jon Favreau and featuring the voices of Scarlett Johansson, Bill Murray, and Idris Elba. THIS Jungle Book isn’t for wimps!! It blends live-action with performance capture, and is full of gritty things like crumbling rocks and powdered lemonade mix.