The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Loud Yawn Sorry That Was Rude Of Me Of The Day: Bruce Willis’ Wake is postponed again
Bruce Willis’ thriller Wake has “suffered another false start.” Shut down last month due to budgetary concerns, Wake was expected to start up again March 23, but now it’s all postponed up again. Some of the cast (presumably Ben Kinsgley, who’s got better shit to do with his time, like be a Sir) are now considering the project dead. How ironic!! Because it’s called Wake, and dead people sleep forever (probably/hopefully, but who can be sure, really). Anyway, it’s an important lesson for budget-handling Hollywood people: Can’t sleep on them budgets, Hollywood. Gotta stay woke.
Deadpool Thing Of The Day: A first look at Ryan Reynolds’ Deadpool costume
To celebrate the fact that Deadpool—the Marvel movie about how, when you play Tomb Raider, the most fun thing to do is to play the practice level and lock your butler in the meat closet and swim aimlessly around in your indoor pool until you die—started filming, Ryan Reynolds gave us a “first look” at his Deadpool costume. He also gave us a first look at what I hope is his own bespoke, shabby-chic living room, as decorated by Random Thing Curator Blake Lively. In the photo, he’s sprawled out on a bearskin rug a la Burt Reynolds or a young, drunk Blake Lively, propped up on one elbow, thinkin’ bout being dead. It’s a good look.
Ecstatic Breakthrough Of The Day: The Transformers Cinematic Universe
This week, scientists in Switzerland attempted to prove the existence of parallel universes, firing up a Large Hadron Collider to search for mini black holes at energy levels below 5.3 TeV. Also this week, Paramount Pictures decided that it wanted more Transformers movies. The studio is working with Akiva Goldsman and franchise director Michael Bay to organize a “writer’s room” that will “incubate ideas” for a “potential multi-part Transformers sequel, and come up with potential spinoff films.” I think I can speak for all of us (on the planet) when I say that it is very comforting to know that, as we live and breathe, our smartest citizens from Switzerland to Hollywood are ensconced in incubators, working hard to improve the world, together!
London Calling Of The Day: Kevin Smith, ostensibly, called Jeremy London to put him in Mallrats 2
Jeremy London, not to be confused with his twin brother Jason London or the city of London, England, will star in Mallrats/Mallards 2. You might remember Jeremy from Mallrats, and from Party Of Five, in which he played Griffin Holbrook, who was moody as fuck, just like everybody on that show. I loved Party Of Five, guys. Can we talk about it sometime?
Hide Your Kids Of The Day: Smutfactory Barely Lethal is PG-13
Today marks a moral and probably sports-like victory for Barely Lethal, starring Hailee Steinfeld as a teen assassin who just can’t figure out how to do festival braids. Late yesterday, while we were all Transforming, the Classification and Ratings Appeals Board overturned the movie’s R rating, which it initially received for its “sexual material,” “teen drinking,” and “probable waste of a promising young actress.” Now, it’s rated PG-13 for “sexual material, teen drinking, language, drug references, and some action violence.” The board didn’t say why it changed its mind, but it’s because the board is 12 and really wanted to see Barely Lethal.
How Magnificent Of The Day: Vincent D’Onofrio cast in Magnificent Seven
Vincent D’Onofrio, who is really just an intergalactic terrorist living inside a big skin suit (aren’t we all?), is in talks to play the villain in MGM and Sony’s Magnificent Seven remake. The film stars Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt, and Ethan Hawke, will be directed by Antoine Fuqua, and is based on Akira Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai, about “seven gunslingers who protect an oppressed Mexican village from a group of outlaws.” This time, though, the movie will star the Transformers as the gunslingers, and piles of flaming trucks as the oppressed Mexican village.