The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Sequel News, Part 1 Of The Day: Vivica A. Fox in Independence Day 2
Independence Day 2 director Roland Emmerich has confirmed that Vivica A. Fox is “officially locked” (scary!) to return for the sequel. In the first movie, Fox played Jasmine Dubrow, a “single mother and exotic dancer who opts out of giving the aliens a warm welcome and instead makes it to Area 51 and marries Captain Steven Hiller (Will Smith) before he heads off to whoop E.T.’s ass.” Succinct and true. Will Smith won’t be back for the sequel, thus rendering Jasmine, his wife, completely useless; it’s hard to say what she’ll be doing here. (Hopefully finding a new man, amirite ladies?!) Jeff Goldblum, Liam Hemsworth, and Jessie Usher are confirmed to star as well, and the movie will allegedly take place 20 years after the original Independence Day, at a time when everybody is writing pithy news blurbs about it while they eat lunch.
Sequel News, Part 2 Of The Day: Jason Lee in Mallrats 2
We talked about Mallrats 2 (known as Mallards 2 in some circles) during yesterday’s Newsies, and I made an offhand remark about how it was unlikely Jason Lee would be back. I lied, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Jason Lee will be back, according to Kevin Smith’s Twitter, which is now hosting a photo of Lee making a peace sign and holding a chocolate-covered pretzel. Apparently there are six more casting announcements left, all of which will be announced on Kevin Smith’s Twitter; I laud Kevin Smith for cleverly undercutting the entertainment industry’s traditional news sources and driving people to Kevin Smith’s Twitter.
Sequel News, Part 3 Of The Day: Anna Kendrick in Table 19
Anna Kendrick is reuniting with Rocket Science director Jeffrey Blitz for Table 19, about a “group of strangers who are marooned at the misfits table at a destination wedding.” It’s the much-anticipated sequel to Table 13, a movie about a dessert table at a Bar Mitzvah that everybody just sits at for the entire party, much to the dismay of the Bar Mitzvah boy (played by a young Jack O’Connell). Table 13 was lauded for its “revelatory comedy” and “brave, authentic depiction of one of the most ancient Jewish rituals.” Table 19 won’t see the return of O’Connell, but it will star Craig Robinson, Lisa Kudrow, Stephen Merchant, Tony Revolori, June Squibb, Wyatt Russell, and Amanda Crew.
Definitely Winning Best Picture Of The Day: Furious 7
Vin Diesel is feeling good. He’s got a well-shaped head, a new baby, and a new movie on the way that is already a favorite for Best Picture. It’s called Furious 7, and it’s a scathing takedown of the seven-day week, looking critically at its Babylonian origins and persuasively arguing, through the lens of flaming cars, that we should all live free from the restraints of time. Diesel knows he’s got a hit on his hands. “Universal is going to have the biggest movie in history with this movie,” he told Variety. “It will probably win best picture at the Oscars, unless the Oscars don’t want to be relevant ever.”
What’s George Clooney Doing Today? Of The Day: Producing Nocturnal Animals
George Clooney will produce Tom Ford’s Nocturnal Animals, a postmodern noir thriller based on an Austin Wright book called Tony And Susan that sounds totally great and weird. Published in 1993, the book “tells of a woman named Susan who receives a book manuscript from her ex-husband, a man whom she left 20 years earlier, asking for her opinion.” After a lot of side-eye, probably, Susan reads the novel, and two stories are tracked at once: the story in the novel itself, titled Nocturnal Animals, “which tells of a man whose family vacation turns violent and deadly,” and the story of Susan, “who finds herself recalling her first marriage and confronting some dark truths about herself.” Namely, that she is willing to drop everything to read her ex’s manuscript. Girl! Come on.
Natural Brand Extension Of The Day: Trejo’s Tacos
Danny Trejo is taking a brief break from being a stone-cold motherfucker to open a taco shop in L.A. called Trejo’s Tacos. It’ll open sometime this month in a former Taco Bell space, which is a perfect metaphor that I don’t have time to unpack, and will have a “desert landscape with a Southwestern feel” and “black Venetian plaster, black leather upholstered seating, and custom black-and-blue [the same color as the eyes of the people Danny Trejo punched in the face] tile murals.” Trejo hopes it will “create a vibe somewhere between hip urban taqueria and biker bar,” and if it doesn’t somebody is going to get punched in the face.