The Newsies is a regular feature that sees The Dissolve cheerfully adding to the awards glut by handing out imaginary awards related to the day’s movie news.
Actual Deadpool News Of The Day: Morena Baccarin has a name
Morena Baccarin was cast last month as a nameless love interest in Deadpool, a Marvel movie that reimagines Michael Phelps as a cute little cartoon ghost. She’s just revealed via Twitter that she’ll be playing Vanessa Carlysle, a.k.a. shape-shifting mutant Copycat, who teaches Phelps how to wink and play furniture-based tricks on his family.
Don’t Question This Of The Day: Charlotte Gainsbourg in Independence Day 2
Charlotte Gainsbourg, a Lars Von Trier regular and overall badass lady who has never shied away from doing crazy shit on screen (see: Antichrist, Nymphomaniac, etc.; not with your parents, though), is in talks to join Fox’s Independence Day 2. Quoi, you ask (because she’s French, show some respect)? Is this une blague? The work of Phelps’ scheming ghost? No, guys, this sounds totally normal and not weird or confusing. Charlotte Gainsbourg loves blockbuster sequels that even Will Smith won’t deign to appear in. That’s her thing, remember?
Why? Of The Day: Everybody in the world watched the Pixels trailer
Adam Sandler’s Pixels trailer premiered this week, and its vision of an alien race that uses videogame characters to kill humans was so compelling that it garnered 34.3 million views worldwide in its first 24 hours online. Do we all really love videogames that much? Or do we just hate working that much? This marks a record for Sony—it’s 50 percent above the previous record 22 million streams generated by The Amazing Spider-Man 2—and also a record for me, because I pulled off the best, Michael-Phelps’-ghost-style prank of all time and just watched the trailer 34.3 million times. SIKE. Can somebody bring me a hot towel?
Hot! Property Of The Day: Nightingale
The Hollywood Reporter reports that TriStar Pictures has preemptively optioned the “hot” best-selling novel The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah. Let me take this opportunity to say that I feel like we, as entertainment journalists, should save the word “hot” for other, better times. But maybe not. Let’s see. How hot is this novel? It’s about two sisters (probably hot ones or else why would they be in a book) living in France (v. hot right now, Kanye West is always there) at the beginning of World War II (def. the second-hottest war, after Vietnam). The older sister, Vianne Mauriac, “says goodbye to her husband, who’s heading off to fight in the war. She and her daughter become prisoners in their own home after it’s requisitioned by German forces, and Vianne is faced with making impossible choices to save her family.” Is it hot in here, or is it just this hot towel that’s on my face?
Finally, Justice For The Phelps Family Of The Day: Confessions Of An Imaginary Friend
Fox Animation is developing Confessions Of An Imaginary Friend, a first-person account of ghost Michael Phelps’ Poltergeist-esque reign of terror over his family. Variety claims it’s actually based on another book, a “whimsical autobiography of an imaginary friend who doesn’t know he’s imaginary.” But we know the truth. It’s gone too far, Phelps.
I’m Not Crying About a One-Sentence Summary Of The Day: Youth In Oregon
Speaking of euthanasia (somewhere, somebody was), Frank Langella will star in the “euthanasia road trip pic” Youth In Oregon. It’s based on a true story about a “cantankerous old man being driven by his son-in-law cross-country to Oregon with the intention of being euthanized in the state where physician-assisted suicide is legal.” Well, this is going to make us all cry a lot. But not yet. We mustn’t cry yet. There is more Newsies to do.
#Typical Of The Day: Alex Roe’s shitty boyfriend in Rings
Alex Roe has landed the lead in Rings, the third installment of Paramount’s horror franchise. He’ll star opposite Matilda Lutz as Holt, Lutz’s boyfriend who “becomes distant from her after watching the tape.” Isn’t that just like a man. You show him one tape that guarantees his imminent death and he’s like, “Gotta go.”
#Typical Part 2 Of the Day: Percy Shelley in A Storm In The Stars
Diary Of A Teenage Girl (which is, by all accounts, great) star Bel Powley will join Elle Fanning in A Storm In The Stars, which centers on the love affair between “charismatic poet Percy Shelley and the brilliant 18-year-old Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin,” which “ultimately inspired her to write Frankenstein.” Isn’t that just like a man. You write one stunning, classic, timeless novel and he’s like, “Hey, I inspired you!!” Powley will play Claire Clairmont, Mary’s stepsister who “has a hunger for attention and complicates Mary and Percy’s relationship when she moves in with them.” I feel like that name is already pretty attention grab-y, no?